Oh Dear....

What do I do now?

posted by Brandi at 8:49 AM | 1 comment(s)

Back By Popular Demand!

Okay, so no one really asked me for it. I just figured I'd post our story after the last couple of comments on my last post. Let me correct myself—we got engaged a month after we started "officially" dating. It was two weeks after he told me that he loved me that we got engaged. Below is a tag-team email Ben and I wrote to his cousin Janna in Michigan. I added the dates just to give you a frame of reference.

It all started so innocently.... *smile*

Brandi Brown came onto my team (Audrey's team) shortly after Labor Day last year (around the beginning of September 1998). At the time, I was the MIS Facilitator for the team, which means that if someone's computer wasn't working, I either fixed it or called MIS to get it fixed. This duty was in addition to my job doing data entry, so I had to balance my time between computer maintenance and mail production. We were in a time of transition (getting new computers), so there were a LOT of computer problems to deal with. Coupled with the fact that I also had to keep up my mail stats, it was very stressful. Audrey realized this, so she appointed Brandi to be my assistant MIS Facilitator. Brandi and I were good friends almost straight off; she was so easygoing and honest, it would have been hard not to be. We continued to become better and better friends through Christmas.

BKB: (Hey Janna—this is Brandi :-) A few weeks before Christmas, I began to realize that I kinda liked Ben, but I was trying desperately not to—mostly for fear that nothing would happen. So to keep myself from liking him, I used the excuse that I couldn't ever date him anyway, because he had long hair, and I didn't like long hair on guys. And the more I liked him, the more I said that to myself. Until one day just before Christmas, I finally got fed up and said, "Okay...God, if YOU want something to happen between us, then YOU'RE going to have to get him to cut his hair." And I left it at that; fully convinced that it wouldn't happen. Then I came back to work on December 28th, and it was all gone...I had to look several times to make sure it was Ben—I couldn't believe it! So once I got over the initial shock of him cutting his hair off, I started praying that we would have ore opportunities to get to know one another and become better friends. ...'kay Ben, it's your turn.

BPK: After that, we just kept getting to know each other better. I'd come by and we'd go on break together, or I'd take her to dinner, or I'd loan her CDs, or we'd to a party together. But we didn't really think we were dating. I did check with her once to make sure we were on the same page, because I didn't want one of us thinking more of the relationship that the other. WE both decided that we were just friends. Then the Columbine shootings happened in April. That kind of changed the tenor of our friendship...

BKB: In addition to knowing a number of students from Columbine, I discovered two days after the shootings that I also knew one of the kids who was killed. I worked at a daycare center during the summers when I was home from college, and Steven was there every summer. I even worked with his sister my last summer there. The whole thing hit close to home anyway, because I grew up in Littleton, and I had a lot of kids from Columbine as a youth leader at church. But when I saw Steven's picture on the news as one of the casualties, I completely lost it. So to keep my Mom from driving all the way down from Littleton in a snow storm (she didn't want me to be alone), I promised her that I would call Ben. I called him, and he came over and sat with me for...I don't know...three or four hours. He talked to me and reminisced with me and let me cry. He was always there when I needed someone. And when I was ready, he went to Columbine and Clement Park (the park behind the school where all the memorials were put up) with me. That's where the Lord started knitting our hears together as best friends.

(6/7)
BPK: Shortly after that, Brandi went out of state to be in her best friend Kim's wedding. While she was there, at least five people ask her if she and I were still "just friends". They told her that she needed to talk to me and make sure that we were still on the same page. So when she came back, she asked me. I had started questioning that myself, so when she asked me, it was a great relief. I said that I thought we were more than just friends, but I wasn't exactly sure what that meant. So we decided to officially date and follow the friendship and see how it went. If it stayed a friendship, then so be it; if our relationship deepened, we'd follow it that direction. That lasted for a little less than a month. Needless to say, it deepened...

(6/23-6/24)
BKB: A few weeks after that, I called home to see how my sister was doing (she was pregnant and had a bad case of toxemia), and my Dad said that I had a letter there from Fourth Baptist Church/School in Minneapolis. They had a position open for a high school English teach that fall, and wanted me to apply. My heart really is in the classroom still, though I've been out for three years. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to teach, but I didn't want to leave Ben either. So I prayed about it. I didn't really want to tell Ben, but he pried it out of me the next day. I think it kinda threw him for a loop too, because he was really quiet for the rest of the day. And when I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, he said, "yes, but I don't want to complicate this any more than it already is." So we left that night after work, and both went home to pray. I was trying as hard as I could to leave Ben out of the equation, because I knew he'd tip the balance, but at the same time, there were just too many obstacles to push through (like the timing, and I had to sign a new lease and break it if I got the job...). So I called and talked to my sister and brother-in-law, and they thought the same thing—there were too many obstacles. I prayed about it a little more, and felt complete peace about not applying. Then the next day Ben and I and Brian and his Dad all went to Denver to a Rockies game. Ben and I drove up alone so that I could tell him about my decision.

BPK: When I got it out of her that a teaching position had opened, it just completely knocked the wind out of me. I knew she had a heart to teach, and that she had desired so much to get back into the classroom. When I heard that she had the opportunity to do just that, it scared me. I had grown so close to her, the idea of being without her was overwhelming. But as much as I wanted to tell her that I loved her, I knew that it would weigh against her applying for the job. If it was God's will that she have this job, I didn't want to fight it. So I waited until she made her decision. When she talked to me about it on the way up to the ball game, I plied her with questions to make sure that she wasn't just dropping her life's dream for me. I would have been guilt-ridden if she had. Instead, she talked about how she had discussed it with her sister and brother-in-law, and that they though it wasn't a wise choice. Her reasoning seemed clear enough—it just didn't seem like God's timing. That relieved me. That night after the game, Brandi and I went for a walk. We took Misha with us, and we talked the whole time. For the first lap around the block, Misha was dragging us along; the second lap, we were dragging her. Poor dear ran around so much the first time around, she didn't have the wind for the second. When we got back to the house, we put Misha in the house to recover and sat out on the front step for about an hour. That's when I first told Brandi that I loved her.

BKB: And that was the first time I told Ben that I loved him (only we were on the street where when he FIRST told me :-). Anyway, the following Sunday we were sitting in my apartment after lunch, and out of the blue, Ben said, "You know, I'm having a really hart time not just proposing to you right now." And completely calmly, I said, "And I would say yes in a heartbeat, but I think we need to wait a little while." I think we were both kinda shocked at that one. But we went out to supper later that evening, and we talked about it a little more...we kinda started making plans here and there, but he hadn't really asked me to marry him. Se we went through a bunch of frustration with that, and finally talked to a friend (who is doing doing our premarital counseling and our wedding ceremony) about what we should do. He said that we were headed in the right direction, but that maybe we needed to set a specific time to just date and not talk about marriage. That way we would have time to think about what we wanted to do and still spend time together. So we both decided that a month sounded pretty good (at least that way we'd double the length of our "official" dating relationship). We decided that on Thursday...

(7/3)
BPK: Then on Friday night, we went to see Star Wars. We held hands through the entire movie. Afterwards, though I was an absolute nervous wreck. I had so many conflicting feelings that I got sick. Brandi noticed it and drove me back to my Jeep. That night I prayed that God would show me what direction to go. There were so many emotions and impulses pulling at me that I realized that I just couldn't stay where we were in our relationship. It had to go somewhere. On Saturday, we went on a picnic. This day was a day FULL of last-minute changes. Originally, we were going to go four-wheeling, but neither of us knew a good trail at the time, so we went picnicking at Palmer Park. As we were eating hot dogs on stale bread and with only mustard, we talked about how we felt about our relationship. I told her that I was simply waiting for her, because I felt like I knew her inside and out; in addition, the waiting time tables were really getting to me.

BKB: And what I didn't want to tell him was that I was only waiting, because I thought he wanted to so he could sort out his feelings (I already knew what I wanted...). So I told him all that, and that no matter how long we waited, it wasn't going to change how I felt. So right there at the picnic table, Ben, with his hands folded, and I, with my chin ever so romantically propped up on a bottle of Diet Pepsi, looked at me and said, "Well, I guess there's really only one thing left to say: Brandi, will you marry me?"

BPK: When she said yes, I went into "wow" mode. I couldn't believe what I had just done; I had just asked the woman I loved to spend the rest of her life with me. "Wow" was pretty much the extent of my vocabulary for the next hour. Brandi, on the other hand, was rather casual about it...at first. While I was "wow"ing, for example, she asked me if I wanted the mustard for my hot dog!!! Well, we decided (between "wow's") that it was a little too soon to be making up the wedding plans, so we went putt-putt golfing. After that, we went to the mall...

BKB: We started out going there to look for clothes for Ben, but ended up going to various jewelry stores looking at rings. We looked at three or four stores (he was still "wow"ing, so I had to do all the talking :-)). The last place we went to, we found exactly what we had been looking for, but we wanted to talk it over first. And the more we talked about it, the more we really liked that ring. So we finished the pretzel we were eating, went back, were approved for credit, and took the ring! Then we decided that we should probably drive down to Denver so he could ask my Dad. That's when I started "wow"ing, and Ben kinda calmed down. So we got to my parents' house (my Mom was in Indiana at the time with my sister and new baby), and my Dad was watching the Rocking game on TV (as usual). We finally got him to mute the television long enough for Ben to ask him if he could marry me. He said it seemed a little quick, but he liked Ben, and he didn't see any reason not to give us his blessing. At this point, the ring was still in the box, so we left their house and went to Clement Park—the park behind Columbine High School. We couldn't think of a better place to "officially" get engaged, since that was where our relationship began to change. Walking up that hill and looking at the school was still pretty difficult for me. For a few minutes, I just stood there looking at the back side of the school—the library windows still boarded up—pondering the irony of how something so precious could have grown from something so incredibly tragic. Then we walked a little further down the hill to get away from the other five people who were about to share a moment with us :-)

BPK: I knelt in front of Brandi and put the ring on her finger, then kissed her hand. We held each other for a little while, just absorbing the meaning of the moment. Then we walked (actually, floated) down the hill and back to the truck. I remember little of what was said on the way; at that point, I think both of us were stuck in "wow mode." But I do remember telling her, "I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you." When that REALLY hits you, knowing that you'll be living the rest of your life with a person, you don't really feel like more has to be said.

And that was the end of that email. This December will be our 8 year anniversary. That's really hard to fathom. We're probably going through the most difficult time of our relationship right now (with getting rid of debt and our living situation and infertility issues), but any time the enemy causes me to question whether or not I did the right thing by marrying Ben, the Holy Spirit takes me back to that moment in time when I first saw Ben with his hair cut, and I know that it was God orchestrating the beginning of a relationship He intended from the beginning of time.

posted by Brandi at 8:30 PM | 3 comment(s)

This Is SOOOO Me!

It drives my parents crazy. But hey, it keeps me sane. That and the audio books on my iPod.


And this was REALLY what Ben and I did on our first date (which was about two weeks before we got engaged).


I'm sitting in the bathroom right now while Ben gives Adri her tubby. "Tubby" is what my oldest two nieces used to call a bath, and when Risa was here and was the designated giver o' the bath, that's what we started calling it. Now when I ask her if she wants to take a tubby, she RUNS down the hallway SCREAMING and starts trying to open the bathroom door. I love my daughter. She truly is the light of my life right now. I love waking up in the morning to a little tap on my shoulder and trying to whisper, "Mommy". Then she climbs into bed with me and we sleep until Daddy comes in to say goodbye and leaves for work. I laugh every time she holds my cell phone against her shoulder with her head while she's talking. And how she stands up and gives me a hug after I change her diaper as if to say, "thank you SO much, Mom, for getting that off my butt!" And I can't believe how smart she is! She LOVES to sign. Her newest one is "I love you". She makes the number four with her fingers (you know, like when you're counting...) and thrusts her little hand out as far as she possibly can. What amazes me is that a lot of times, SHE initiates it! She'll get on her little Tigger airplane, wave goodbye and tell me she loves me and then she'll speed off down the hallway with propellers spinning. She's growing up so fast. And while I'm glad she is and I'm looking forward to watching her grow and learn, I'm sad that things will change. I never thought I could love someone so much.

posted by Brandi at 8:05 PM | 3 comment(s)

Do Rice Crispy Treats Count as Breakfast Cereal?

They were made with peanut butter...that HAS to count for something. Of course the chocolate on top might cancel any nutritional value it MIGHT have had.

While I was eating my breakfast of peanut butter & chocolate rice crispy treats, I stumbled upon this site and was LMAO!!!

The US government has a website, http://www.ready.gov. It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations below. Enjoy!

If you have
set yourself on fire, do not run.




If you spot
terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin
Diesel, yell really loud. 



If you spot a
terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.




If you are
sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it
instead of seeing a doctor.



Use your
flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!




To eliminate
smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless
hand under a faucet with no sink.



Michael
Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal
with scary eyes, run away now. 




People,
animal corpses and the bio hazard symbol are all at risk of
being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.



Be on the
lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they
tend to rub their hands together manically.




If a door is
closed, karate chop it open.





If your
building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga
postures.




Try to absorb
as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region.
The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.



After
exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you
may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.




If you've
become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand,
remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.



If you hear
the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio,
cower in the corner or run like hell.




Your
respiratory and digestive systems are optional. Cast them
aside if you feel you no longer need them. 



If you are
trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not
farting.




Survive a
biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your
knees, then rolling over and playing dead.



Do not drive
a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the
hood.




A one-inch
thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection
against radiation.



No
pyromaniacs admitted.




A quick
family snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist
attack may became a treasured family keepsake that will
preserve precious memories for years to come.



That closet
door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go
there.




The middle of
a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on
your reading or paperwork.



If you see
colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke
yourself. Girls go for that.




If your
intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling
over and watching the cool light show.



If the
weather is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the
grass.




After all
life is gone, modern appliances will continue to run
forever. Think about it.



Your
telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone
with no numbers on it.




"Wash
your hands" of traditional long distance telephone
providers.




Only the
coolest irradiated citizens will be allowed into the
'underground' rave in the shelter.



In case of
emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty
item.




In time of
war, real Americans eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or
poultry, please.



There is a
reason you failed chemistry.




Watch out for
people who come out of white tents and try to steal the
shirt off your back.



If you are
trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your
final moments with shadow puppets.




Radioactive
materials come in 4 convenient sizes:

   - individual dose

   - family value size

   - neighborhood spray pump size


   - supersize!



Satellite
photos of Texas show the large embarrassing radioactive crop
circle in Southeast Texas.




When the
looting begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio.
Here we have a few examples of high value, low effort.

posted by Brandi at 8:55 AM | 2 comment(s)

This Is Ridiculous!!!

Scantily clad women in public is one of my biggest pet peeves, but,I can't believe that I'm even hearing this story. I think if I had been there and within ear-shot, I would have come to her defense. No, I KNOW I would have come to her defense! I wasn't ever able to breastfeed Adriana (though I pumped until my nipples practically fell off and still only got 2 ounces a day), but if I had been able to and I were in the same situation this woman was in, I would have done the same thing she did. [putting on hippie clothes and getting ready for a nurse-in] POWER TO THE BOOB!!!

posted by Brandi at 7:38 AM | 3 comment(s)

Back In the Saddle Again

Well, for the most part. I didn't WANT to miscarry, but I'm very thankful that if it was going to happen, that it happened early on. At 7 weeks, there really wasn't much to "attach" to yet. God's grace has been SO amazing. And I've been learning how pointless it is to worry about things. If something is going to happen, it's GOING to happen whether you worry about it or not. And why worry about how you're going to get through it if it does? As Mrs. Herron told us in Women of the Bible, "God will give you the grace to endure, but not to worry."

The last couple of days have been crazy! We ended up taking Adri into the After Hours clinic on Sunday because she was having trouble breathing. Her blood oxygen levels, which aren't supposed to be less than 94 were at 83 and dropping!! We spent about four hours in the office doing breathing treatments with a nebulizer and of all things prednisone!!! The doc said that if she couldn't go at least two hours between treatments without her oxygen levels dropping, that we'd be sent to Children's Hospital for the night. After everything else, the LAST thing we needed was for her to be admitted to Children's!!!!!! But praise the Lord, her levels went up to about 92 and stayed there for more than an hour, so they agreed to send us home with just meds and instructions to give her a breathing treatment every three hours. That's every three hours THROUGH THE NIGHT!! I honestly don't know how I made it through the first three months of her life, because that one night was absolute HELL! Then on top of that, I had the bright idea to take the feather mattress off of our bed, thinking that sleeping just on the memory foam would be more comfortable. Not so. Our bedroom is pretty warm right now, but taking that feather bed off made it 10 times worse! I was roasting!!!!!!!! Poor Ben just finally got up and played games for a while, thinking that it was just him. So at 3am, we stripped the bed and put the feather mattress back on and slept just fine (except for the stupid alarm going off every three hours. It was definitely a princess and the pea experience. We had a follow up visit with her regular pediatrician today, and she said her lungs sound great, but we'll need to keep an eye on her in the future for signs of chronic asthma--oh joy. The bad news is that she'll need to finish her five days of prednisone. Unfortunately prednisone tends to hype her up and make her a 22lb terrorist! Guess I'll be needing a little more of that amazing grace....

posted by Brandi at 3:38 PM | 3 comment(s)

Please Stay Seated Until the Ride Has Come to a Complete Stop.

Well, the roller coaster is over. We found out at my OB appointment this afternoon that the baby is completely gone--as in no trace that it was even there. We're not sure exactly how it happened, because between my last ultrasound and this one today, I didn't lose any tissue....or anything else. The doctor was kind of dumbfounded--especially because I never had any cramping or anything to go with it. And it's not like it was a chemical pregnancy--we ALL saw the baby on the ultrasound screen--heartbeat and all.

Ben and I have decided to name the baby Elijah Joseph. We chose this name for a couple of reasons. First of all, Ben (and a couple of other people) felt from the beginning that this baby was a boy. The other reason is the way the baby was there one day and gone the next, without my passing anything, and the doctor said he couldn't have been absorbed. You might think it crazy, but Ben and I believe that God just took the baby--just like He did Elijah in 2 Kings (but without the flaming chariot...we DO still have a LITTLE of our sense of humor). The doctor didn't have any other explination for it, and neither do we.

His middle name comes from the Old Testament account of Rachel in Genesis 30. Rachel, for whatever reason, was infertile--a very difficult burden to bear in those days (in these days too...). Anyway, God finally allowed her to get pregnant, and she gave birth to a baby boy.

23 She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, "God has taken away my disgrace." 24 She named him Joseph, [God will increase] and said, "May the LORD add to me another son."

God promised children to us a few years ago. Our prayer is that of Rachel's--that God would add to us another son or daughter.

Ben and I are at peace knowing that because of God's grace, he is in heaven with all those gone before him, waiting for the day he'll get to meet his family face to face. We will still wonder why, but we know that God is soverign and that this is for His glory and our good. And in HIS time (not mine), we will try again, most likely with Clomid this time (a fertility drug). I don't think my eggs can do the job without a little help.

posted by Brandi at 7:57 PM | 2 comment(s)

The Waiting Game....

I have a day and a half left before my OB appointment. I hate waiting. If God asked me, I'd do just about ANYTHING else but wait. And the spiritual warfare right now is VERY draining. So in the mean time, I thought I'd post this picture. We got her some letters and numbers for the bathtub. They're pretty cool—they stick to the wall. We got them to help her start learning her colors. Ben says that Adriana did it all by herself. I have a sneaking suspicion that she had a little help. Daddy is a known UNIX master.

posted by Brandi at 8:57 PM | 2 comment(s)