The Waiting Game

TMI Warning: Depending on how long you've known me, you may or may not want to read this one.


Unfortunately it's a game I hate playing. I'd rather go back to Jr High school and play floor hockey in gym class—or even better, do rope climbing in front of everyone!! Once Adriana was six months old, I was ready to start trying for baby number two. Of course, at that point, Ben was still a contract employee with Area 101, and we weren't really sure if he would be hired on full time, so we didn't want to get ourselves into a bad situation. Then in September/October (after he had been hired on permanently) was our oh so lovely round of clomid. But I'm sure because my doctor was screwing around with my thyroid (lowering it when it desperately needed to be raised!), I didn't get pregnant then. In October we moved in with my parents in order to eradicate our debt that we accrued the four years Ben was in college and we were trying to live on my measly customer service income. And then if that's not enough to deal with, I was sitting in the living room the other night sobbing because I was so discouraged with our current situation—outside forces making us wait as well as needing intervention to even GET pregnant. So as I'm spilling my guts, my parents say....

get this....

"Maybe you should just be happy with the one you have."

[crickets chirping]

I'm sorry. Have either one of them been paying ANY attention to my life over the last three years?!?!?!?!?!?!? Do they remember all the doctor appointments and medicines and oh yeah, the TEARS!?!?!?!?!?!? I just don't get it. Then my Dad told me that he didn't think it was a good idea for us to have another child while we're living here. I can understand his point a little bit. We ARE living in their house. But we're moving to the basement in a few months (where there is plenty of room) and will be out of their way long before any child were to come along. I'm also planning on getting a part time job as soon as we get downstairs, so we'd set aside money to pay for labor and delivery as well as formula (since I can't nurse) and diapers. Obviously, Ben and I are fairly responsible adults. We're not going to have a baby if we're not able to provide for it. Do my parents really have the right to speak into our lives in that particular way? Do they really have the right to tell us not to have another child? When we came to them with the idea of moving in with them, they were fine with it. Any time I try to give them grocery money, they turn it down. My brother-in-law says they don't. And it's not like I can get pregnant and say, "oops! we didn't MEAN for it to happen!" We have to have medication and then plan every cotton-pickin' aspect of it! Not that we can get pregnant right now anyway. You have to have sex to get pregnant. And having sex with a toddler in her bed right next to you, your dog at the food of the bed, your parents in the next room with paper-thin walls and a very squeaky bed—well, it's just not going to happen. And since it's not our house, it's not like we can go somewhere else. So if you're a praying person, pray that we (read, "I") get the basement cleaned out (about 50 years of junk) and get the bedroom built soon.

posted by Brandi at 12:38 PM | 4 comment(s)

Another Song

This is another song that God has been using to encourage us. Moving back in with your parents at 32 years old is NOT fun.

MercyMe
Coming Up To Breathe

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope

You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord

posted by Brandi at 9:28 AM | 1 comment(s)

For All You Mac Lovers Out There

MS Vista - innovation or ripoff

posted by Brandi at 2:58 PM | 0 comment(s)

A Fun Website

I have no idea what it's based on. I don't really care about the metephysical mumbo jumbo, I just thought it was fun :-)

My color is Canyon Sunset

Charismatic
Powerful
Social
PEOPLE ARE naturally drawn to your energy and charisma. Interacting with others stimulates you and makes you feel alive. You are persuasive and can be aggressive if you need to be. You can instigate change and enthusiasm when you are present. Quick on your feet, you are not easy to control or manipulate. Your personal color helps ground your energy so you can carve out your own unique path. Wearing, meditating or surrounding yourself with Canyon Sunset gives you the energy to move around obstacles or challenges.

posted by Brandi at 12:15 PM | 2 comment(s)

Finally At Home

Not physically, but spiritually. After many disappointing attempts, we were FINALLY able to attend house church yesterday. Talk about a sigh of relief!! It's clear out in the Parker/South Aurora area (about 30 to 40 minutes), but it is SO worth the drive. I wasn't quite sure what I was going to think about it when we first walked in, but after the adults all sat down and started talking, I settled in just fine. I felt really bad, because Ben hardly talked at all. But I told everyone that staying home with Adri, I don't get my 15,000 words out every day (unless you count "no no Adri" over and over...and over). While we at dinner, we sat around the kitchen table and talked about what it means to be "The Church" (i.e. the body of Christ) and how we're supposed to flesh that out with one another and with others outside our immediate circle. Then the kids (about 8 of them) all came downstairs and sat down to watch Narnia and the adults went into the living room and just sat there for a while, each individually spending time with God, reading and listening to what He was saying to us. Then after a while we started talking about what we felt the Holy Spirit had been showing us. Then we looked at everything to see if we could find some unifying "theme/s" with what we all had been talking with God about. One of the biggest things that came out was using our lips to Praise God&emdash;especially in the hard times. I had never really understood what a "sacrifice of praise" was. It's not like praise is a hard thing to do. Especially when it comes to singing. Even with the problems that I've had with my voice since being pregnant, I almost ALWAYS have a praise song on my lips. But lately with all the stress of moving and living with my parents and trying to work through all the financial lessons I've been learning, and learning to sacrifice myself to give to my daughter, I've noticed that I haven't been praising as much. It's almost like I have to force myself to do it&emdashlike a sacrifice. It's hard. I don't feel like thanking God for the situation we're in. I don't like it. I don't want it. I want my own home and my own space. I don't want to be on a restrictive budget. But you know what? I can praise God that I have a roof over my head and parents who are willing to help us despite my stupidity with our finances. I can praise Him that Ben has a full time job with good benefits and room to grow. I can praise Him that we didn't have to file bankruptcy and completely ruin any chance we had of getting our own home in the near future (we're not THAT far in debt, but it sure feels like it). I can praise Him that I finally have a doctor who took the time to listen to me about my PCOS and actually diagnose me and treat me for it! He DOES love us, and He IS staking care of us. Casting Crowns has a song called "Praise You in This Storm" from their lastest CD that has really become my theme song of late.

Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

posted by Brandi at 9:36 AM | 1 comment(s)

We're DONE!!!!!!!!!!!

But it wasn't without its problems. Sunday morning after my last post, Michael came over and we all went downtown to pick up my brother. We stopped and I bought everyone lunch and we were having a grand old time talking on the way to get the truck. We were even talking about starting a new show--"Pimp My Walker"(because my Dad has to use a walker for the next 4 weeks after having his hip replaced). Brian said we should email our idea to Ellen (Degeneres) and see if she would use it as a segment on her show. My parents are old. They are very old school too. Neither of them like Ellen simply because she's a lesbian. They just can't get past that. My brother is gay too. But they tell him that they love him no matter what. Well, without even thinking about it, I said, "Yeah....I don't think Mom and Dad would go for that." I tried to get around WHY they didn't like her, but he caught on anyway and that just set him off. Understandibly so, but it was all made MUCH worse due to his bi-polar. He was fine for a while, but the moment we got to the storage unit, he flipped out saying he was never good enough for Mom and Dad and no matter what he did he never would be. I felt really bad, because it was what I said that started it. But I just hugged him and helped him up the walk to meet his friend and assured him it was okay that he left.

....And then there were three.

We ended up restacking all the boxes that were already in the unit to be able to use the space better. At about 4pm, we were losing light and hope that we would ever finish (or fit everything in!!!). Just about that time, the guy that I've been emailing about going to their house church called me to see how the move went and to let me know that he gave me wrong directions to church that day. When he found out that we were still unloading and that there were only three of us, he talked with the other guys there and three more people were at our storage unit within a half hour to help us out. Keep in mind, these are people we've NEVER met...and they dropped everything and drove 20 miles to the other side of town to help us out. What would have taken us another three hours to finish, we had complete in 1 hour with the extra help. And there is NO room in that storage unit. It's 9 feet wide by 20 feet long by 7 feet high, and it is filled from stem to stern. We even had to bring a few things home with us!! Then with the help of my friend Chris (from our house church in the Springs) I went back to clean things up on Tuesday and Wednesday. Locking up the house was kind of a bittersweet moment. As I went through the house and turned off lights and opened doors, it was kinda like those "clip montage with a sappy song" sit-com episodes. Goodbye kitchen and dining room where we had so many friends over for dinner. Goodbye living room where my house church family gathered and prayed over my broken heart and my infertility. Goodbye bathroom where I first saw those two little pink lines. Goodbye bedroom where our dream was conceived and brought home to nurture. Goodbye Adriana's room where I cried tears of joy as I was setting up her crib. Goodbye computer room where...uh...well, nothing really happened there. That condo holds a lot of memories for me. I don't think I've ever had such a hard time leaving someplace. But God is still working in us, and that won't stop with this move. We're in a new season of our lives, and He has things for us to do/learn here too.

And Satan just HAD to get the last word in. Just 15 minutes from home, I was in a minor car accident. It was really icy, and as I tried to stop, my wheels locked and I slid about 50 feet into the guy in front of me. He had already slid to a stop just before hitting a stop sign, and there was a car skidded to a stop next to him. But with the way I turned the wheel to turn out of the skid, my rear wheel well cover ended up bouncing off the guy's spare tire on the back of his Ford Escape. He came out and asked if Adri and I were okay. He said he was okay. We looked at his car&emdash;no damage. We looked at my Jeep&emdash;no damage. It was butt-slapping cold out, and the city wasn't on cold reporting, so we would have had to wait for a cop. Neither one of us wanted to do that. He said, "If you're good, I'm good." I was good, so we all went home. I'm sure I had more than one guardian angel with me, because what could have been a pretty nasty and costly fender bender ended up being absolutely nothing.

So now that our move is over, we now return to our regularly scheduled life....

posted by Brandi at 9:20 AM | 2 comment(s)