Just checkin'
For some reason blogger things that I publish to ftp, so just making sure this is publishing right....through blogger, not me. You know...just in case I ever get time to blog again!
Time to Speak Up
I've got a bone to pick with the body of Christ (aka, the Church). What is your deal with the mentally ill? From what I can tell, there are two schools of thought on this issue—a:you're not right with God or b: let's just pretend there's not an issue and it will all go away. As someone who IS mentally ill, neither one of those is a good solution to the problem—and there
IS a problem. I realize that my particular illness is one of the milder ones. But I'm sure those with schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder would say the same thing. Where are you when we need you?
All I Need Is JesusFirst I want to speak to those who thing that psychology is nothing but Freudian poppycock. Honestly, that's like saying that all medical doctors of today are peddling nothing but
snake oil. Psychology is no different than cardiology or any other medical specialty. Cardiology is the study of the heart and vascular system—how it works and how to treat it when something goes wrong. Psychology is the study of the mental processes and behaviors of the mind and how to treat it when something goes wrong. While I'm sure they had some very grounded ideas, Freud and Jung and numerous others also did the science of psychology a great disservice by presenting very subjective and untestable theories as fact. But you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater on this. Disorders like schizophrenia, MPD, depression and bipolar are very real problems. Yes, they ARE all in our heads *grin* but they are most definitely NOT imaginary. And just like anyone else would take medication for an ailment, whether it be a thyroid deficiency, diabetes, or a simple headache, people with mental disorders should have the same freedom to do so without someone telling them "you need to get your heart right with God," or "read your Bible and pray more." Really, if these disorders were an issue of sin or needing more time with God, don't you think that the problem would be resolved when we started doing that? Christians mean well when they tell us these things, but all it ends up doing is making us feel guilty when it DOESN'T solve the problem. I found a short article on
about.com that speaks directly to this.
Diane, a member of our forums, shared her experience and frustration with the views of Lisa and Ryan Bazler, authors of Psychology Debunked – a book and weekly newsletter proclaiming to expose psychology and exalt Christ. In response to one of this group’s newsletters Diane writes, “If bipolar disorder is fake then what is happening to us? Why can we feel our bodies shift from one state to another? Is PMS all in our minds? Is the brain not a physical part of the body? Can it not malfunction? Is Alzheimers fake too? Are you saying that a malfunctioning brain cannot affect the body and mind? If you do not believe in drug therapy and psychology then what is your alternative medicine? People are dealing with this everyday so saying that it doesn't exist isn't helping anyone....Although there are Christians who are against any kind of medicines, a lot of Christians think its fine to take meds for ‘physical’ problems, but not for ‘psychological’ problems. Well, physically there's proof of brain damage from manias. Apparently there's also research indicating that depressions cause brain shrinkage. Also MRIs clearly show variations in brain functioning between those who are normal and those with depression. When a person is depressed, the brain colors are all kinds of blues. When a person is manic, the brain lights up with reds and yellows. These are physical manifestations of what some people call a purely emotional problem.”
I do have to make a confession on the whole "get your heart right" solution, though. In my particular case of bipolar disorder, while others tend to get overly hyperactive and throw caution to the wind, I get very irritable and angry. And as a result, I say things and do thing that I would not normally do. I say very hateful and hurtful things to my wonderful husband, who usually just looks me in the eye and says, "did you take your meds this morning?" He knows I don't mean them, and yes, controlling my tongue is VERY hard, but just because it's a result of my bipolar doesn't mean that I'm issued a "get out of jail free" card when it comes to sin. I am still responsible for what I do and say. I still have to go back to God, Ben (and sometimes Adriana) and ask for forgiveness. I'm still responsible to continue to work on controlling my tongue and my anger when I'm in my right mind so that when my mood does swing, I can take myself out of the situation and there for "run from the temptation" to blow up.
Please Understand MeI also want to speak to those in the Body who just want to pretend the problem doesn't exist or that we could get better help elsewhere. I think the following statement from the
above article pretty much sums it up perfectly.
“If Christians are truly the Body of Christ and God has made it clear that no one is supposed to go it on their own then why in the world would we assume that we are supposed to be strong enough on our own with mental disorders?
Mental disorders affect all areas of life—physical, mental, and even spiritual. Especially spiritual! I can tell you from my own experience with bipolar disorder that my biggest struggle has been spiritual. For two years before my diagnosis, my spiritual walk was anything but easy. I could no longer hear God speaking to me. My prayers, if I could utter them at all, were powerless and hollow. Many times, all I could get out was, "help." I did my devotions, I read my Bible constantly, I went to church. Nothing made it go away. Then once I had a diagnosis, that's when all the questions started. "Why me? Did I do something wrong? Is God mad at me?" That's also when the Enemy began to whisper questions and accusations to me. "How can you be the Christian you think you are? You've hardly prayed at all in the last two years. And with all that anger and the constant snide comments, who are you fooling? You haven't acted any differently than any other unbeliever. Besides...if you have the Holy Spirit like you say you do, shouldn't you be able to control your temper? Because you didn't do a very good job of it." The guilt weighed heavily on my heart. And while I had a friend or two who told me that God hadn't left me and that everything would be okay (and I'm VERY thankful for that), I needed more. I needed someone to come alongside me and tell me that there was nothing to be ashamed of. I needed someone to understand the struggle (or at least try) and tell me they'd help me sort things out. I need to know that I wasn't alone. What I needed a support group—a group of fellow believers on the same rocky road was just thrown on. But you know what? There isn't one. In Colorado Springs—the evangelical Mecca with Christian ministries galore and a church on EVERY corner—there's nothing. If they're out there, I haven't found them. I can only make guesses as to why there's nothing out there for Christians like me. Shame is probably the biggest one. Because of the stigma attached to mental illness, we don't want to tell anyone we have it. So we end up toughing it out on our own...suffering silently in the process.
Please don't ignore us. I know some of us might be a little weird sometimes and might make you uncomfortable, but a lot of that stuff we can't control. That's why we're on medication. In talking about this, a certain woman named Judy comes to mind. If you were friends with me at Northland during my freshman year ('92-'93), you probably heard a story or two about Judy. She was a woman in her 40's who came faithfully to First Bible Baptist every Sunday. Judy was...um...interesting. I'm not exactly sure what she had, but she frequently wandered around the sanctuary, choir loft and the empty baptistry DURING the service. Sometimes her journey was accompanied by different animal noises. Pastor Keck would put his arm around her and lead her back to the people she was sitting with—he never missed a beat in his sermon. No one gave it a second thought. They all loved Judy and did what they could to help her in her walk with Christ. I'll admit that my only real interaction with Judy kinda freaked me out. She was sharing with me before the service one night that she was very disappointed with the meat selection in her care home and that she was seriously considering reverting back to cannibalism—children to be specific. That's why she stayed upstairs in the morning while we held AWANA downstairs. She didn't want to be tempted. My only response to her was, "Oh, Judy...you...don't want to do that...." I was taken off guard. I didn't know what else to say. I didn't understand her. That was the real issue—I didn't understand.
Did you know that
90% of people who commit suicide have some type of mental disorder at the time of their death? Did you know that in marriages where one spouse is bipolar that
90% of them end in divorce (Psychology Today, Nov 2003)? Even the question of whether or not to start a family comes into question—something I personally am in the middle of now. Had I known that I was at a much
higher risk for developing
postpartum psychosis, I'm not sure that I would have tried to get pregnant this time. I at least would have waited until my disorder was a little more stabilized. Maybe you're not someone who struggles with any of these or has a family member who does (I have four&mdashyou can borrow one of mine!). If you don't know anything about what we have, ask us. Please don't judge us—this isn't something we asked for. When we've got medications to help our bodies function normally, we're just like anyone else you know. We have jobs and homes and families and hobbies. We hate Monday morning traffic, and enjoy a weekend get-away every so often. I'm not saying that someone needs to start something FOR us. I only ask that you make the church a safe place for us to come out of the "mental illness closet" and try to support one another.
Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
I went to bed last night frustrated with my niece who refuses to make wise choices and woke up with a headache. And as usual, I didn't get a shower this morning. I tried to be positive and tell myself it wasn't going to be a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
I took my bipolar meds, but they don't seem to be working. I tried to start a load of laundry before I sat down to eat breakfast, but my blood sugar dropped too quickly and I almost passed out on the stairs on my way up. The dog ate Adriana's eggs and then took up residence in my pile of clean towels that needs to be folded. Some how the dishes in the sink mated and multiplied last night before I could get them in the dishwasher. I still tried to be positive that it was NOT going to be a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.
I tried to finally get my curtains hung in the living room. I had to stand on the back of the couch to get enough leverage to get the screws in the wall, and stripped two of the screw heads in the process. Even then they wouldn't go all the way in. Then I realized that the decorative tie-backs I got to match the rod won't work where I hung the curtains, because there is only a flat wall on the right side of the window (it's a recessed window). Now I have to take down the curtain rod, REHANG it INSIDE the window and then HEM the curtains, because they're too long for the inside of the window. Have you ever seen a 7 1/2 month pregnant woman scale the back of a couch? It's not a pretty site. Then after lunch, my daughter informs me that she has changed her own poopy diaper. She did a fairly good job...except for the little piles she left all through the house...on the carpet. I couldn't exactly scold her for it...though i told her that MOMMY needs to change her poopy diaper next time.
It's only 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I have three hours before Ben gets home to relieve me. I'm beginning to think positive thinking sucks. I think I'll move to Australia. Oh wait. I can't. Ben doesn't get paid until Monday. *sigh*
Chunky Potato Soup
I know...it's the middle of May, and it's generally not the time for hot soup. However the last few days here in Colorado Springs have been cold and rainy, so I thought this would be a good time to put a dent in the 10 lb bag of potatoes I have in the garage. And as soon as I find the stupid card reader, I'll be able to download the picture I took of my gorgeous meal! (I'm not proud or anything...)
Chunky Potato Soup
Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 30-45 minutes
Serves: 6-8
Ingredients:
12 medium potatoes, cubed (you can peel them if you want..I never do)
1 small yellow onion, diced
4-5 ribs celery, sliced
5 cups chicken broth
1 can evaporated milk
1 pkg real bacon bits
1/2 cup butter (1 stick)
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
3-4 cups milk
1 cup shredded Swiss Cheese (or 4 slices)
1/4 cup fresh minced parsley
salt & pepper to taste
1. In a large pot, stir together potatoes, onion, celery, chicken broth, bacon bits & evaporated milk.
2. In a separate dish, melt butter and then slowly stir in flour to make a thick paste. Stir paste into the liquid in the pot until completely dissolved.
3. Once the stock starts to boil and thicken, slowly add milk (or half & half, or heavy whipping cream for a richer taste) until it reaches the desired thickness. Cover and let simmer on low for 30-45 minutes. Add salt and pepper as needed.
4. About 10 minutes before you're ready to serve, add the Swiss cheese and parsley. Allow cheese to melt and stir in completely.
The way I served this tonight was in bread bowls with homemade croûtons. I hollowed out the loaves, tore up the bread I removed, drizzled it with olive oil and seasoned with salt and garlic powder. Then I put the tray under the broiler on low for about 5-8 minutes, or until they were golden brown (almost starting to burn). We topped both our soup and salad with the croûtons, and boy was it yummy!!! We had a TON left over since it was just Ben and me for supper tonight, so I just boxed up the rest and put it in the freezer for another rainy day!
I'm Okay, You're Okay
What better subject for my 100th post than...well, me! It IS my blog, you know ;-) But seriously, I wanted to share with you something that God shared with me that I have been asking Him about for a few months now--my bipolar disorder.
The Set-UpI've struggled with bipolar in one form or another for the last two years. I believe it was all triggered by my pregnancy with Adriana in 2005. For the most part, I was just your typical over-emotional pregnant woman, crying at auto commercials and hallmark cards. There was quite a bit of stress in even trying to get pregnant with her, and then the last few months of my pregnancy was pretty stressful dealing with a fairly sever case of toxemia. A few days after she was born I wound up back in the hospital for two days with congestive heart failure due to fluid overload. I had 60 pounds of fluid in my body preventing my heart and lungs from working as they should, and they were about to just give up. I think once I was finally able to go home and try to adjust to a newborn is when I snapped. It started out as typical postpartum depression. Then in three months when it hadn't gone away, it started to change. Over night I went from Jekyll to Hyde. I was constantly angry and hateful, with Ben receiving the majority of my hellfire. The things I used to enjoy I no longer had any interest in, and at the worst times, I didn't really even care if my marriage lived or died. For two years I cycled between anger and hate and extreme depression. I just assumed this was a normal adjustment period (after all, this was what my mother and my sister were like with their kids), and I coped with it as best I knew how. Two years of limited contact with God (I couldn't pray hardly at all, and I certainly wasn't hearing from Him in any way), even more limited contact with my husband of 7 years. Two years of agreeing to live only because I couldn't stand the thought of anyone else loving the baby girl I prayed for so long to have. After talking to my sister about her bipolar for quite some time, I decided to make an appointment with my psychiatrist, whom I hadn't seen since he put me on antidepressants 7 years earlier. I gave him the run-down of the last two years and said I thought that I needed to be screened for bipolar. He agreed, and 10 minutes later I had a diagnosis (based on my history and the screen) and a course of treatment.
The ConundrumOnce I started on the medication, it only took about 4 days before I started feeling like my old self again and my topsy-turvy world began to right itself. That's also when the questions started. How did this happen? Why do
I have to have this? And the question that has plagued me day and night? How can I be this way and be the Christian I claim to be? The Enemy began to whisper questions and accusations to me. How can you be the uber-Christian you think you are? You've hardly prayed at all in the last two years. And with all that anger and constant snide comments, who are you fooling? You haven't acted any differently than any other unbeliever. Besides...if you have the Holy Spirit like you say you do, shouldn't you be able to control your temper? Because you didn't do a very good job of it. While I finally felt normal again, I was ashamed of my diagnosis. There was still something wrong with me.
The Voice of TruthI begged God to show me the truth. I needed to know what he thought of me. In His infinite wisdom, He let me struggle with it a little bit. He knew that I needed to trust in the truth even when I didn't know the whole story. His revelation to me on the subject started when my dearest friend Felicia told me, "You may be acting “off”, but you’re asking for prayers and help – your core is intact. He is with you, even when it feels like He’s not." That really started me thinking...and praying. Then yesterday during church, He finally gave me the complete answer. My moods are not me. They are not who I am, nor do they define my spirituality. My moods are not my spirit. They affect them, but they are not them. Because I live in a fallen world, my body began to process of entropy (decay) the day I was born. My body will continue to break down until it no longer exists. My bipolar is no different than, say, my autoimmune thyroid disease or my PCOS. It's no different than someone with heart disease or who is suffering the effects of a stroke. It's all the process of our bodies breaking down. Yes, I know that most of the time things like that happen because of things we do to our bodies. My point is that whatever the situation, our bodies break. Just as my thyroid is slowly destroying itself, my mind is fighting against the rest of my body. I can't will my moods not to swing out of control any more than I can will my ovaries to work or will myself out of a heart attack. This body of mine is breaking down, and my mind is just another facet that is going bad. So what do I do? I take medication to make my mind work correctly. And while I am functioning as I should, I build my spirit, my redeemed spirit, by the Word of God and the ministry of the Holy Spirit. That way when I'm not in my right mind, my Spirit will have something to fight the enemy with. And someday I will have a new body...one not destined to die because of sin. My God is bigger than my thyroid and my PCOS--I have one blessedly sweet girl sleeping soundly in the other room and one growing quietly, but actively in my womb to prove that. He's bigger than those, and He's definitely bigger than my bipolar. So am I.
