My New Medical Discovery...

I'm calling it the Bruce Banner Syndrome. I guess I could call it Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome, but...I dunno...Bruce Banner is more my generation than the other two. Besides, I don't know if Dr Jekyll could feel his metamorphosis coming on. I can. Ben asked me at 3 o'clock this morning if I was feeling better (I went to bed last night rather perturbed). I said, "Yeah...kinda. I feel a little like Bruce Banner—'Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry.'" I can honestly FEEL myself losing control. I'm sitting outside on the front porch right now for that very reason. I had to turn Adri over to Ben this morning to get her dressed for that reason. She was throwing a fit because she didn't want to get dressed. I needed her dressed in SOMETHING because we needed to get going to the store to get groceries/meals for my Aunt & Uncle who are house-bound and my Uncle starts chemotherapy this week. Mom was on a time schedule (because we had to be back by a certain time so they could eat on time) and my Dad was holding her up because he needed us to take something to the post office for him (he still can't drive), so she was getting frustrated with Dad...which made me frustrated...which Adri was feeding off of and making her more frustrated.... Most of Adri's little tantrum was just plain temper--which normally I would discipline for. But at the moment, I would have been disciplining out of anger, and I refuse to start that. That's how I was disciplined as a child, and it did nothing but instill fear in me.

I'm just so tired of not being in control of my emotions!!!! I'm trying SO hard. I'm on anti-depressants, so it could be much worse than it is. But the cause this time is my thyroid/hormones/PCOS. They're still trying to switch our Kaiser insurance from the Colorado Springs plan to the Denver plan, and I until they do that (which I'm hoping will be next week sometime) I can't make an appointment with the endocrinologist that I need to see. I'm just so tired of being broken. My reproductive system doesn't work right, my endocrine system isn't working right, my ability to process sugar isn't working right....and though my voice has been healed to a certain extent, I still have to exercise it to get it back to its original abilities. I can't even sing right!!!! For so long, my voice was my identity...it was my face to the world. In a place where my face or body wasn't attractive to anyone, my voice was. That was my beauty. I'm sure I will be able to sing as I once did...as long as I don't have the same problem with reflux that I did when I was pregnant with Adriana. But for the time being, I feel like I've been disfigured.

I know I don't have it so bad. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing more than a trivial annoyance compared to a couple of stories I've heard over the last few days. And now I feel guilty for complaining. But at least I feel like I can go inside and be in close proximity to my family without turning green and breaking through walls.

posted by Brandi at 1:15 PM