Girl Interrupted

I was at my MOPS group this past Thursday, and my care group leader gave devotions. She said that one of her frustrations of the "mini van years" that they are in right now is that she isn't always able to carve out space for her quiet time. Yeesh! Don't I know that!!!! It's always a constant source of guilt for me. But she said something that really spoke to me. She said that in the times where she doesn't seek Him out, He seeks her out. When her life gets so out of control (like it is now--her mom has a very agressive cancer) and she is doing all she can just to keep up with basic daily tasks, God gently but clearly interrupts her day and gives her what she needs to make it through. That really got to me. One of the things that I've been learning over the last few years is that my relationship with God is not a one way relationship. Just like any relationship here on earth, it's one of give and take from both parties. How many times have I spent days on end just "touching base" with Ben because our lives are so crazy busy, only to have him send me a long email telling me how much he loves me and that he understands how hard it is for me to keep up with things. Or he'll just out of the blue bring home flowers and dinner for us so that I can have a few minutes to relax. Scripture makes it clear that what we experience here on earth is just a small picture of our heavenly relationships. Obviously going without our time with God shouldn't be the norm. But how is it that we have convinced ourselves that if we go through a period where we aren't exactly dilliget about our devotions (you know...like the times when we're doing good just to get in a shower twice a week!), that our spiritual lines of communication shut down? Are we such an important part of the equation that God can't initiate a quiet time with us?

He's been doing just that for the last couple of days. While adjusting myself to not being on vacation, I'm trying to help Adriana readjust to her normal eat/nap/play schedule, help my parents around the house; run errands for my Dad since he can't drive; figure out how and when I'm going to get back to Colorado Springs to get more of our stuff packed up; trying to cope with raging hormonal imbalances and all the other wonderful side effects like fatigue and mood swings; trying to be a decent wife and mother; and on top of all that, deal with my desire to have another baby and the frustration that comes with not having any control whatsoever about making that happen because my body is not working the say it's supposed to. Right now I have no entry in my dictionary for "quiet" or "time" either one! But despite all that, God has spoken to me very specifically over the last few days. First through some promises He gave to Ben and I over two years ago about His intentions for our family, and then, of all things, through a widget on my Mac. For you non-Mac users, a widget is basically a mini program that runs on your desktop. This particular widget is a daily Bible verse that pops up on my screen. Anyway, after Ben had read back to me some of the promises, I kind of got discouraged. Remembering the frustration in trying to get pregnant for so long and the ache in my heart when month after month it never happened...I REALLY wasn't looking forward to dealing with those emotions again. Don't get me wrong—I LOVE the little miracle that I just put down for a nap. She has changed my life forever and healed my heart. But God gave me a desire for a large family (or at least larger than one child), and we are ready to get moving again. It's not discontent with what I've been given...it's frustration with the rocks I must climb to get to the goal. Then yesterday, it was like God put His arms around me and said, "no, no, sweetie...don't get discouraged. I know the plans I have for you. They're not plans to destroy you, but plans to give you hope and a future. Trust Me." Then this morning, I was feeling better, but still telling Him that I'm not sure I can do this again. And once again, He put His arms around me and said, "it's okay. You CAN do this, but only with My help. I know this is hard, and you don't have to be strong. Lean on Me and let Me be strong for you."

I have to say, I'm glad my relationship with God isn't solely dependant on my action alone. That's one interruption in my day that I don't mind.

posted by Brandi at 9:58 AM