Bipolar: Not Your Average Bear

Today our lesson is about bipolar. Can you say bipolar? That's nice. I like the way you say that.... What's that? No, bipolar doesn't live at the North Pole with Santa. Bipolar lives in your brain AND MAKES YOU AND THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU CRAZY AS LOONS!!!!!!!!!! Or at least it feels that way.

I went to my shrink yesterday...why do they call them "shrink"? They don't really do that. Anyway I've been having problems with severe mood swings since after Adriana was born. For a while, I just attributed them to postpartum and then to just stress. Well, it's almost two years later, and they've actually gotten worse. I finally decided that I couldn't live with it anymore and went to see my psychiatrist to see if my anti-depressants needed to be adjusted. I also mentioned to him that my sister suggested that I talk to him about being screened for bipolar disorder. It made perfect sense. A month of extreme highs and lots of energy followed by weeks on end of depression coupled with extreme desire to obliterate everyone in my vision—plus the fact that I have a sister, a brother and a niece who are all bipolar. It commonly runs in families. So after an hour an a half (well, almost 2, because there was a fire alarm...hmm...a fire alarm pull at a mental hospital. I wonder who did that?!?!?!), and $250 (because we had to do this without insurance), he told me he thinks I'm definitely bipolar and started me on a treatment plan. I'm excited (and not just because I'm in my manic phase). I can finally stop being angry all the time!!

The bad news...we're all convinced that my Mom is bipolar too, but she refuses to get any help. That's just who she is, always has been and people just need to deal with it. Living with her while I'm trying to get better is a daily struggle. I don't want to pass those patterns on to Adriana or any other children we might have. She's not abusive, but the mood swings still have an effect on everyone involved. Fast forward to this morning: she woke up in a LOVELY mood. She's still ticked at me for our plans changing yesterday and she had to watch Adri for longer than expected and consequently didn't get the bathroom cleaned like she wanted to. Then she got mad at my Dad because he didn't get rid of all the halloween candy last night. And then he was sitting in her chair...and while I didn't snap, I made a quick decision that the measly $500 or $600 dollars I'd be making a month is not worth putting the entire household through that kind of stress. Don't get me wrong...the money would help--A LOT!!! But Adri is a very smart, very emotionally aware child. And I KNOW she picks up on the mood swings. And I really don't want her to get the idea that she's in the way or that she's done something wrong by just being in existence. I DID grow up with that, and that's why I am the way I am today...in need of constant psychotherapy. My daughter isn't the end-all be-all, but she deserves better.

Tune in next time when I'll let the voices in my head write the blog entry! ;-)

posted by Brandi at 9:05 AM