Flakes of Bran

Just checkin'

2008-07-07T12:26:00.005-06:00

For some reason blogger things that I publish to ftp, so just making sure this is publishing right....through blogger, not me. You know...just in case I ever get time to blog again!

Time to Speak Up

2008-06-26T16:36:00.009-06:00

I've got a bone to pick with the body of Christ (aka, the Church). What is your deal with the mentally ill? From what I can tell, there are two schools of thought on this issue—a:you're not right with God or b: let's just pretend there's not an issue and it will all go away. As someone who IS mentally ill, neither one of those is a good solution to the problem—and there IS a problem. I realize that my particular illness is one of the milder ones. But I'm sure those with schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder would say the same thing. Where are you when we need you?

All I Need Is Jesus
First I want to speak to those who thing that psychology is nothing but Freudian poppycock. Honestly, that's like saying that all medical doctors of today are peddling nothing but snake oil. Psychology is no different than cardiology or any other medical specialty. Cardiology is the study of the heart and vascular system—how it works and how to treat it when something goes wrong. Psychology is the study of the mental processes and behaviors of the mind and how to treat it when something goes wrong. While I'm sure they had some very grounded ideas, Freud and Jung and numerous others also did the science of psychology a great disservice by presenting very subjective and untestable theories as fact. But you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater on this. Disorders like schizophrenia, MPD, depression and bipolar are very real problems. Yes, they ARE all in our heads *grin* but they are most definitely NOT imaginary. And just like anyone else would take medication for an ailment, whether it be a thyroid deficiency, diabetes, or a simple headache, people with mental disorders should have the same freedom to do so without someone telling them "you need to get your heart right with God," or "read your Bible and pray more." Really, if these disorders were an issue of sin or needing more time with God, don't you think that the problem would be resolved when we started doing that? Christians mean well when they tell us these things, but all it ends up doing is making us feel guilty when it DOESN'T solve the problem. I found a short article on about.com that speaks directly to this.

Diane, a member of our forums, shared her experience and frustration with the views of Lisa and Ryan Bazler, authors of Psychology Debunked – a book and weekly newsletter proclaiming to expose psychology and exalt Christ. In response to one of this group’s newsletters Diane writes, “If bipolar disorder is fake then what is happening to us? Why can we feel our bodies shift from one state to another? Is PMS all in our minds? Is the brain not a physical part of the body? Can it not malfunction? Is Alzheimers fake too? Are you saying that a malfunctioning brain cannot affect the body and mind? If you do not believe in drug therapy and psychology then what is your alternative medicine? People are dealing with this everyday so saying that it doesn't exist isn't helping anyone....Although there are Christians who are against any kind of medicines, a lot of Christians think its fine to take meds for ‘physical’ problems, but not for ‘psychological’ problems. Well, physically there's proof of brain damage from manias. Apparently there's also research indicating that depressions cause brain shrinkage. Also MRIs clearly show variations in brain functioning between those who are normal and those with depression. When a person is depressed, the brain colors are all kinds of blues. When a person is manic, the brain lights up with reds and yellows. These are physical manifestations of what some people call a purely emotional problem.”

I do have to make a confession on the whole "get your heart right" solution, though. In my particular case of bipolar disorder, while others tend to get overly hyperactive and throw caution to the wind, I get very irritable and angry. And as a result, I say things and do thing that I would not normally do. I say very hateful and hurtful things to my wonderful husband, who usually just looks me in the eye and says, "did you take your meds this morning?" He knows I don't mean them, and yes, controlling my tongue is VERY hard, but just because it's a result of my bipolar doesn't mean that I'm issued a "get out of jail free" card when it comes to sin. I am still responsible for what I do and say. I still have to go back to God, Ben (and sometimes Adriana) and ask for forgiveness. I'm still responsible to continue to work on controlling my tongue and my anger when I'm in my right mind so that when my mood does swing, I can take myself out of the situation and there for "run from the temptation" to blow up.

Please Understand Me
I also want to speak to those in the Body who just want to pretend the problem doesn't exist or that we could get better help elsewhere. I think the following statement from the above article pretty much sums it up perfectly.

“If Christians are truly the Body of Christ and God has made it clear that no one is supposed to go it on their own then why in the world would we assume that we are supposed to be strong enough on our own with mental disorders?

Mental disorders affect all areas of life—physical, mental, and even spiritual. Especially spiritual! I can tell you from my own experience with bipolar disorder that my biggest struggle has been spiritual. For two years before my diagnosis, my spiritual walk was anything but easy. I could no longer hear God speaking to me. My prayers, if I could utter them at all, were powerless and hollow. Many times, all I could get out was, "help." I did my devotions, I read my Bible constantly, I went to church. Nothing made it go away. Then once I had a diagnosis, that's when all the questions started. "Why me? Did I do something wrong? Is God mad at me?" That's also when the Enemy began to whisper questions and accusations to me. "How can you be the Christian you think you are? You've hardly prayed at all in the last two years. And with all that anger and the constant snide comments, who are you fooling? You haven't acted any differently than any other unbeliever. Besides...if you have the Holy Spirit like you say you do, shouldn't you be able to control your temper? Because you didn't do a very good job of it." The guilt weighed heavily on my heart. And while I had a friend or two who told me that God hadn't left me and that everything would be okay (and I'm VERY thankful for that), I needed more. I needed someone to come alongside me and tell me that there was nothing to be ashamed of. I needed someone to understand the struggle (or at least try) and tell me they'd help me sort things out. I need to know that I wasn't alone. What I needed a support group—a group of fellow believers on the same rocky road was just thrown on. But you know what? There isn't one. In Colorado Springs—the evangelical Mecca with Christian ministries galore and a church on EVERY corner—there's nothing. If they're out there, I haven't found them. I can only make guesses as to why there's nothing out there for Christians like me. Shame is probably the biggest one. Because of the stigma attached to mental illness, we don't want to tell anyone we have it. So we end up toughing it out on our own...suffering silently in the process.

Please don't ignore us. I know some of us might be a little weird sometimes and might make you uncomfortable, but a lot of that stuff we can't control. That's why we're on medication. In talking about this, a certain woman named Judy comes to mind. If you were friends with me at Northland during my freshman year ('92-'93), you probably heard a story or two about Judy. She was a woman in her 40's who came faithfully to First Bible Baptist every Sunday. Judy was...um...interesting. I'm not exactly sure what she had, but she frequently wandered around the sanctuary, choir loft and the empty baptistry DURING the service. Sometimes her journey was accompanied by different animal noises. Pastor Keck would put his arm around her and lead her back to the people she was sitting with—he never missed a beat in his sermon. No one gave it a second thought. They all loved Judy and did what they could to help her in her walk with Christ. I'll admit that my only real interaction with Judy kinda freaked me out. She was sharing with me before the service one night that she was very disappointed with the meat selection in her care home and that she was seriously considering reverting back to cannibalism—children to be specific. That's why she stayed upstairs in the morning while we held AWANA downstairs. She didn't want to be tempted. My only response to her was, "Oh, Judy...you...don't want to do that...." I was taken off guard. I didn't know what else to say. I didn't understand her. That was the real issue—I didn't understand.

Did you know that 90% of people who commit suicide have some type of mental disorder at the time of their death? Did you know that in marriages where one spouse is bipolar that 90% of them end in divorce (Psychology Today, Nov 2003)? Even the question of whether or not to start a family comes into question—something I personally am in the middle of now. Had I known that I was at a much higher risk for developing postpartum psychosis, I'm not sure that I would have tried to get pregnant this time. I at least would have waited until my disorder was a little more stabilized. Maybe you're not someone who struggles with any of these or has a family member who does (I have four&mdashyou can borrow one of mine!). If you don't know anything about what we have, ask us. Please don't judge us—this isn't something we asked for. When we've got medications to help our bodies function normally, we're just like anyone else you know. We have jobs and homes and families and hobbies. We hate Monday morning traffic, and enjoy a weekend get-away every so often. I'm not saying that someone needs to start something FOR us. I only ask that you make the church a safe place for us to come out of the "mental illness closet" and try to support one another.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

2008-06-11T13:32:00.002-06:00

I went to bed last night frustrated with my niece who refuses to make wise choices and woke up with a headache. And as usual, I didn't get a shower this morning. I tried to be positive and tell myself it wasn't going to be a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

I took my bipolar meds, but they don't seem to be working. I tried to start a load of laundry before I sat down to eat breakfast, but my blood sugar dropped too quickly and I almost passed out on the stairs on my way up. The dog ate Adriana's eggs and then took up residence in my pile of clean towels that needs to be folded. Some how the dishes in the sink mated and multiplied last night before I could get them in the dishwasher. I still tried to be positive that it was NOT going to be a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day.

I tried to finally get my curtains hung in the living room. I had to stand on the back of the couch to get enough leverage to get the screws in the wall, and stripped two of the screw heads in the process. Even then they wouldn't go all the way in. Then I realized that the decorative tie-backs I got to match the rod won't work where I hung the curtains, because there is only a flat wall on the right side of the window (it's a recessed window). Now I have to take down the curtain rod, REHANG it INSIDE the window and then HEM the curtains, because they're too long for the inside of the window. Have you ever seen a 7 1/2 month pregnant woman scale the back of a couch? It's not a pretty site. Then after lunch, my daughter informs me that she has changed her own poopy diaper. She did a fairly good job...except for the little piles she left all through the house...on the carpet. I couldn't exactly scold her for it...though i told her that MOMMY needs to change her poopy diaper next time.

It's only 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I have three hours before Ben gets home to relieve me. I'm beginning to think positive thinking sucks. I think I'll move to Australia. Oh wait. I can't. Ben doesn't get paid until Monday. *sigh*

Chunky Potato Soup

2008-05-15T19:18:00.002-06:00

I know...it's the middle of May, and it's generally not the time for hot soup. However the last few days here in Colorado Springs have been cold and rainy, so I thought this would be a good time to put a dent in the 10 lb bag of potatoes I have in the garage. And as soon as I find the stupid card reader, I'll be able to download the picture I took of my gorgeous meal! (I'm not proud or anything...)

Chunky Potato Soup

Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: 30-45 minutes
Serves: 6-8

Ingredients:
12 medium potatoes, cubed (you can peel them if you want..I never do)
1 small yellow onion, diced
4-5 ribs celery, sliced
5 cups chicken broth
1 can evaporated milk
1 pkg real bacon bits
1/2 cup butter (1 stick)
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
3-4 cups milk
1 cup shredded Swiss Cheese (or 4 slices)
1/4 cup fresh minced parsley
salt & pepper to taste

1. In a large pot, stir together potatoes, onion, celery, chicken broth, bacon bits & evaporated milk.

2. In a separate dish, melt butter and then slowly stir in flour to make a thick paste. Stir paste into the liquid in the pot until completely dissolved.

3. Once the stock starts to boil and thicken, slowly add milk (or half & half, or heavy whipping cream for a richer taste) until it reaches the desired thickness. Cover and let simmer on low for 30-45 minutes. Add salt and pepper as needed.

4. About 10 minutes before you're ready to serve, add the Swiss cheese and parsley. Allow cheese to melt and stir in completely.

The way I served this tonight was in bread bowls with homemade croûtons. I hollowed out the loaves, tore up the bread I removed, drizzled it with olive oil and seasoned with salt and garlic powder. Then I put the tray under the broiler on low for about 5-8 minutes, or until they were golden brown (almost starting to burn). We topped both our soup and salad with the croûtons, and boy was it yummy!!! We had a TON left over since it was just Ben and me for supper tonight, so I just boxed up the rest and put it in the freezer for another rainy day!

I'm Okay, You're Okay

2008-03-03T10:56:00.005-07:00

What better subject for my 100th post than...well, me! It IS my blog, you know ;-) But seriously, I wanted to share with you something that God shared with me that I have been asking Him about for a few months now--my bipolar disorder.

The Set-Up
I've struggled with bipolar in one form or another for the last two years. I believe it was all triggered by my pregnancy with Adriana in 2005. For the most part, I was just your typical over-emotional pregnant woman, crying at auto commercials and hallmark cards. There was quite a bit of stress in even trying to get pregnant with her, and then the last few months of my pregnancy was pretty stressful dealing with a fairly sever case of toxemia. A few days after she was born I wound up back in the hospital for two days with congestive heart failure due to fluid overload. I had 60 pounds of fluid in my body preventing my heart and lungs from working as they should, and they were about to just give up. I think once I was finally able to go home and try to adjust to a newborn is when I snapped. It started out as typical postpartum depression. Then in three months when it hadn't gone away, it started to change. Over night I went from Jekyll to Hyde. I was constantly angry and hateful, with Ben receiving the majority of my hellfire. The things I used to enjoy I no longer had any interest in, and at the worst times, I didn't really even care if my marriage lived or died. For two years I cycled between anger and hate and extreme depression. I just assumed this was a normal adjustment period (after all, this was what my mother and my sister were like with their kids), and I coped with it as best I knew how. Two years of limited contact with God (I couldn't pray hardly at all, and I certainly wasn't hearing from Him in any way), even more limited contact with my husband of 7 years. Two years of agreeing to live only because I couldn't stand the thought of anyone else loving the baby girl I prayed for so long to have. After talking to my sister about her bipolar for quite some time, I decided to make an appointment with my psychiatrist, whom I hadn't seen since he put me on antidepressants 7 years earlier. I gave him the run-down of the last two years and said I thought that I needed to be screened for bipolar. He agreed, and 10 minutes later I had a diagnosis (based on my history and the screen) and a course of treatment.

The Conundrum
Once I started on the medication, it only took about 4 days before I started feeling like my old self again and my topsy-turvy world began to right itself. That's also when the questions started. How did this happen? Why do I have to have this? And the question that has plagued me day and night? How can I be this way and be the Christian I claim to be? The Enemy began to whisper questions and accusations to me. How can you be the uber-Christian you think you are? You've hardly prayed at all in the last two years. And with all that anger and constant snide comments, who are you fooling? You haven't acted any differently than any other unbeliever. Besides...if you have the Holy Spirit like you say you do, shouldn't you be able to control your temper? Because you didn't do a very good job of it. While I finally felt normal again, I was ashamed of my diagnosis. There was still something wrong with me.

The Voice of Truth
I begged God to show me the truth. I needed to know what he thought of me. In His infinite wisdom, He let me struggle with it a little bit. He knew that I needed to trust in the truth even when I didn't know the whole story. His revelation to me on the subject started when my dearest friend Felicia told me, "You may be acting “off”, but you’re asking for prayers and help – your core is intact. He is with you, even when it feels like He’s not." That really started me thinking...and praying. Then yesterday during church, He finally gave me the complete answer. My moods are not me. They are not who I am, nor do they define my spirituality. My moods are not my spirit. They affect them, but they are not them. Because I live in a fallen world, my body began to process of entropy (decay) the day I was born. My body will continue to break down until it no longer exists. My bipolar is no different than, say, my autoimmune thyroid disease or my PCOS. It's no different than someone with heart disease or who is suffering the effects of a stroke. It's all the process of our bodies breaking down. Yes, I know that most of the time things like that happen because of things we do to our bodies. My point is that whatever the situation, our bodies break. Just as my thyroid is slowly destroying itself, my mind is fighting against the rest of my body. I can't will my moods not to swing out of control any more than I can will my ovaries to work or will myself out of a heart attack. This body of mine is breaking down, and my mind is just another facet that is going bad. So what do I do? I take medication to make my mind work correctly. And while I am functioning as I should, I build my spirit, my redeemed spirit, by the Word of God and the ministry of the Holy Spirit. That way when I'm not in my right mind, my Spirit will have something to fight the enemy with. And someday I will have a new body...one not destined to die because of sin. My God is bigger than my thyroid and my PCOS--I have one blessedly sweet girl sleeping soundly in the other room and one growing quietly, but actively in my womb to prove that. He's bigger than those, and He's definitely bigger than my bipolar. So am I.

There Goes Our Savings...

2008-02-22T14:16:00.004-07:00

After being up almost all night last night with Adriana's cough, I woke up this morning to find that the Denver police had been at our front door last night at midnight and woke my poor parents up. It seems that the Colorado Springs police called them and asked them to see if Ben Kuiper lived at this address and if he had a green Jeep Cherokee parked in Colorado Springs. My Dad said yes to both, and the officer said, "okay, thanks for your time" and started to leave. My Dad called after him and asked if he needed a phone number to get a hold of Ben, and he said, "no, we'll find him." That was it. That's what they woke up my 73 year old father and 67 year old mother (who wasn't able to go back to sleep) for--to see if Ben lived here and if he had a car parked in the Springs. Didn't ask to SPEAK to Ben...just wanted to know those two things. I love law enforcement. I really do. But I have to admit--I've never been particularly impressed with the Denver police. This just kinda sealed the deal for me.

Anyway, it turns out that Ben's Jeep, that was parked at the Park-n-Ride a mile from his work, was broken into last night. And it's not like it's in a bad part of town--it's right around the corner from the condo we lived in. He usually moves it back and forth from the park-n-ride to the parking lot at work so he won't get in any trouble for having it there too long. Guess he should have moved it sooner. They didn't get anything. It's 16 years old, so it's not like it even LOOKS like it's worth anything! But they smashed in the driver's side window, which is $200 to fix. I know that because the same thing happened to me with my Ranger a few months before Adri was born. Anyway, the Jeep is so old and it's not in great running condition. If we junked it, we'd only get $400 or less for it. So just replacing the window would all but total the dumb thing.

So now we have to find a place to junk the Jeep, figure out how to get it there (because now the jeep won't even start), and then figure out how to get another car--preferably a van--without draining our savings. We can't afford another car payment. Thanks to my "friend" who owns a dealership we're in the process of paying $8000 ($4k left) for a nice-on-the-outside-scary-mass-of-duct-taped-electrical-wiring-under-the-hood Jeep. He insisted the "check engine light" glowing on the dash was the transmission light, and he had it checked several times by a professional, and he had no idea why it wasn't going off. But like he said, "I'm like family to them," so he took care of me. Oh yes, and now the airbag light is on too. But it's next to the "transmission light". I can only assume the airbag light is on to keep it company.

As I heard Miss Patty say the other night on Gilmore Girls, [crossing self]"Oy to the vey..."

Not Your Average Apartment Search

2008-02-17T08:24:00.003-07:00

Ben and I are planning our move. We've been carefully looking at apartments and locations, trying to figure out where to go now that we're back on track financially. We don't want to move all the way down to Colorado Springs just yet, because we have no guarantee that Ben will be hired on permanently at the end of his contract. We're PRETTY sure, but we can't justify that large of a move on "pretty sure." Parker would be nice, but it's just as far from there to the highway as it is from my parent's house to the highway, and our biggest goal is to get closer to the highway so Ben's commute is easier/shorter.

Well, we THINK we've found the best place--Castle Rock, Colorado. It's a small town located 20 miles south of Denver and 30 miles north of Colorado Springs. It's got all the necessary places that make my life workable--Walmart, Target, a substantial outlet mall.... It's close to my family who needs me right now, and close to Ben's family in the Springs who doesn't necessarily NEED us, but likes to see us once in a while. And not only is it RIGHT on the highway, we're only 5 minutes from the FREX (front range express) station that will take Ben to and from Colorado Springs every day for $150 a month.

Enter "The Pines at Castle Rock", an apartment complex that we've been looking at for several months now. We were pretty impressed when we got there and drove around the complex. And after talking with the leasing agent, he told us about a free shuttle the city has, so on the days where I can't get him to the station, he can walk down to the leasing office, pick up the shuttle and it will take him to the FREX station! So we're sitting at the agent's desk waiting for his co-worker to come back so we could go look at the apartments when a Hispanic gentleman came in and started talking to him. He was speaking Spanish, so I just kinda ignored the whole situation. Next thing I know, Peter (the agent) gets on the phone and in English says, "um, yes. One of our residents just came in and told me that there are two dead bodies in his garage. He said one is his son--he's been missing for a week, and the other one he thinks is his son's friend"

*insert loud record scratch here*

I have no doubt that this is an isolated incident, but talk about a shock! So for the next half hour, Ben and I try to keep Adriana occupied and out of trouble while poor Peter the leasing agent acts as a complex representative at the crime scene. It was all taped off with crime scene tape and everything. I felt really bad for him. He kept apologizing to us. When he finally got back, his co-worker had finished up with who she was with and was getting ready to take us out to see the two apartments. We said our goodbyes and good wishes to Peter and his wife (who is due two days after I am) and went on our tour.

Ben thinks the apartments are too small, but I reminded him that it's pointless to compare ANYTHING we look at to our last place. Our last place was heaven on earth...well, kind of anyway. We had 1400 sqft of condo for $625 a month. Normally that would go for over $1000/month, but interior design-wise, it was a pretty big eye-sore. Emerald green carpet in half the house and tan in the bedrooms with bamboo wallpaper in the dining room and early 80's decor in the other rooms. Oh yes, and a large floor tile missing in the kitchen. But is was 3 bedrooms and OH so spacious!!! I actually cried when I closed the door behind me on the day we moved out.

Soooo....we have one other complex in town that's in our price range. Hopefully that one will be a little less eventful. I posted below the article I found in the Denver Post this morning. It's pretty vague. I think I know more than the paper did! The guys trying to get into the garage were Dad of the one kid and two other family members, I think. Peter said it looked like the boys had possibly OD'd on meth, passed out in the bed of the truck with the garage door closed and the truck running with a full tank of gas. Very sad....

2 bodies found in Castle Rock

By The Denver Post
Article Last Updated: 02/16/2008 06:03:50 PM MST

Castle Rock police are investigating the deaths of two men whose bodies were found this afternoon in a pickup truck parked in an apartment complex garage.

Police would not comment on the grisly discovery, which a witness said was at about 2 p.m. at Pines at Castle Rock apartments, which is just north of the Outlets at Castle Rock. The Douglas County coroner's office said the victims were male but refused to release any additional information.

The witness said he watched police pull both bodies from the late-model truck. The witness said earlier he saw three men trying to jimmy their way into the locked garage, which is off Castlegate Drive North and U.S. 85.

First Glimpse

2008-01-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

I went in yesterday for my monthly OB appointment. I thought he would do an ultrasound to confirm my dates, but he only the doppler to hear the heart beat. It seemed like FOREVER before he actually said something positive. Before that, all he could hear was a large uterine artery. He finally found our little peanut hiding behind my pelvic bone. I'm not exaggerating when I say he had to have been poking around for a good ten minutes. He finally said, "well, I'm convinced that I heard it and it sounds good, but I want YOU to be convinced too." I appreciated it, but by that point I really had to pee, and he was making me sick, so I said I trusted him and that we could move on.

My biggest concern that I wanted to address with him was my desperation to go back on my bipolar meds. I think if I weren't living with my mother I wouldn't be having as much of a problem. But I _AM_ living with my mother, and we won't be able to move out until the first of May, so for now, I'm stuck with an untreated narcissistic, bipolar mother. Anyway, my point is that in initial studies (which aren't many because it's new), it looks like the med that I'm on (lamictal) may increase the chances of oral cleft problems (cleft lip or cleft pallet) in babies exposed during the first trimester. The studies published say an 8-10% chance, which isn't much, but when you're talking about 1--costly reconstructive surgery and 2--the impact it would have on the child even after surgery. It would NEVER change my love for my child, but others can be cruel. And if low risk is within my control, I'll do whatever I can to protect my baby. All that being said, I did a little research to see when exactly the pallet was formed. What I found said between 4 and 7 weeks gestation. I though that MAYBE if I could make it past those dates, I might be able to go back on a low dose and regain a little sanity. Well, my docs books said 6-12 weeks (which doesn't help me any), but he also made a comment during the search for the heart beat that he thought I wasn't quite as far along as we had thought. He thought maybe 8 1/2 weeks instead of just beginning my 10th week. Well, when you're talking about dealing with unmedicated bipolar disorder, that's a HUGE difference. So I asked him if I could possibly have an ultrasound before my next appointment just to make sure of the dates. I'd like to get back on my meds the moment that risk goes down. I ended up having to go to another practice who does backup for him, but I was able to get in this morning at 10am. Of course not before Satan had me completely convinced that something was terribly wrong. I was a basket case by the time I got there. Anyway, long story short, everything is fine. Peanut's growth is right on target for my LMP, so I am exactly 9 weeks and 3 days as of today, and the heart beat looks and sounds good!

So, without further ado, here's Peanut.

My Newest Addiction

2007-12-14T07:56:00.000-07:00

I just thought I'd introduce you all to my newest addiction: digital scrapbooking.
This has become my absolute favorite past-time, because 1. It combines my computer skills and my creativity. 2. It's CHEAP! Lots of stuff you can get for free, but even when you BUY stuff, it's inexpensive PLUS you can use it again and again! 3. Most importantly, THERE'S NO MESS!!!! Except maybe your desktop...mine's pretty full at the moment.

I'll show you first the Christmas cards that I made. I like these best, because I can never find a photo card that I like when I go to Snapfish or any of those other places. The third one down is the one I made for my parents' Christmas cards and the last one is the one you'll be getting from us as soon as Ben's paycheck clears the bank and we have money for stamps!

I've also made a lot of other things like pocket calendar covers (you know, for those little calendars with the plastic covers), desktop and wall calendars and this bookmark.

My next display is my actual scrapbook pages. They're my first, so I still have a lot to learn, but I'm pretty proud of them.

Ben's graduation from CTU

This is a page about our house church in Colorado Springs. I'm particularly proud of this one, because I "hand" made the "H" on "house church." I thought that was pretty ingenious of me. *grin*

Another one of my favorites.

Rosie's Page. I cut her out of one of the pictures and used it as part of the background.

This was a layout of pictures I took during our time at the B&B in Buena Vista for Thanksgiving. We got all the cousins in the tub and I started snapping. I printed this one out on photo paper and framed it in an 8x8 frame from the dollar store and gave it to my in-laws. they loved it!

I have a few more pages, but Ben and Adri are BEGGING me to go to bed. Tomorrow we start pictures of baking day with Gummy (my Mom) and Em (Emily) and Izzy (Lizzy).

Perspectve

2007-12-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sure all of you have heard about the shootings here in Colorado both at the YWAM campus and at New Life Church in Colorado Springs. We had just gotten home from church when my Dad hollered down the stairs to tell me that New Life was just on a special news bulletin. My mind immediately flew back to April 20, 1999. I was driving home from my job at Focus on the Family when they broke through on the radio with news of the shootings at Columbine High School. My heart broke. I didn't go to school there, but Littleton was my home, and my community was hurting, and I was so very far away. Everything was over by the time I heard, but I prayed that everyone I knew there was safe. It wasn't until two days later that I learned that someone I knew had been killed. Steven Curnow—one of the kids I had in daycare during the summer.

I felt the same way this past Sunday. Colorado Springs is my home, and my community—my friends, my relatives, my brothers and sisters in Christ are hurting, and once again I am so very far away. We was relieved to know that the one person we was most concerned about, Ben's Aunt Mary, had left the parking lot a mere 10 minutes before everything started.

Below is from an email my friend Sarah sent me. It's from a friend of hers who was at New Life on Sunday. I hope her account changes your perspective as it did mine.

I wanted to share with you what God has done in my heart and mind because of being so close to loosing my life this Sunday.

I was fortunate to have come alone this Sunday to church. My girls stayed home to rest from the Wonderland performance. My husband slept in for some much needed extra sleep. I almost stayed home but felt the Holy Spirit get me up even before my alarm was to go off. I parked my vehicle at the very corner of the building
where the shooter had entered. After service I made a call on the courtesy phone to my husband since I left my cell at home. My kids and I were going sledding that afternoon and I wanted to find out if they needed anything from Walmart before I came home. After the call I spotted a friend I hadn't seen for a while, Laura Caine. She and I have been friends for 11 years and here daughter is going with us to Florida on our vacation this Christmas to help with the kids.

We talked in the hall for several minutes and finally walked to the corner of the tag chapel hall and the main hall. We heard three shots and I had thought it may have been something that had fallen on the new tile floor flat that had made such a loud clap. Laura immediately knew the sound and she along with hospitality pushed me and two others into the chapel. When I heard screams and men shouting to get out of the building I knew it was a gunman.

All of us ran out of the back door of the tag chapel and out the hall door to the out side. I ran behind a car and most of everyone left in their cars...mine was too close to the door where the man was.

A friend was getting in his suv in panic and disoriention. He couldn't think. I asked him for a ride to my car, he was focused on his wife and kids who were still in the building. Laura and I scrambled into his car and Laura loaned him her cell to try to get a call to his wife. She was the last person I saw come out of the campus....with the two kids under each arm. He shouted for us to get out and they drove out of site. Laura and I hid as well as possible as shots rang out. Laura was wearing a red jacket and Pete yelled to her from a row over to take it off. I called my husband on Laura's cell. He thought I was joking. The panic in my voice told him I was not joking.

Ross Parsely was further back away from the church and ran over to us to make sure we were ok. The concern on his face was unmistakable. Ten minutes into the event, the swat team began to arrive. They told everyone to get into our cars and leave, I told him my car was directly in front of the door where the gunman was so he told everyone who coulldn't leave to go to the World Prayer Center. High heels and ice, I didn't care I ran! Laura close behind me. Everyone was directed to the basement to a little room that looked like a secluded teleconference room. Teens, elderly, Children everyone left in the building that could get out were stuffed in this little room. Fear was overwhelming for me and the others. I was so glad Laura was there. Then I saw a little boy come down the steps and into the room in tears and fear all over his face. I didn't know what he had been through but I knew it was intense for his little heart and mind. As a mother, I forgot myself and
focused on him. I grabbed him and held him while he cried. After a few minutes, he slowed his tears and we got more acquainted. He had seen the whole thing unravel. He was one of two surviving witnesses.

No one knew anything, A couple of guys had laptops and tried to get information of the internet but everything was so vague. No one knew the truth and most of it was media bunk. Everyone shared cells and called family to find out who got shot and who was ok. We finally started praying and singing praise to God and a couple of girls were warring in the Spirit. An hour or two passed and we were finally able to go upstairs to the WPC living room(chapel). Mel Waters boys were still hiding under his desk in the upstairs offices. He was concerned but his confidence of God's protection over his boys was encouraging. I admire his faith.

It took alot of patience and trust during that time. I realized that had I not stopped to chat with Laura or even not as long, I would have walked down that main hall to where the activity center was and exited out the last hall door. I would not be here today.

I have been working so hard to help my husband raise money for Christmas and putting so many hours into work that I haven't taken time to enjoy the season. The stress of marriage, finances and kids and an upcoming vacation has really taken the peace out of our home.

Four hours later, I went home feeling numb, but with one raw realization. It doesn't matter what you do for Christmas, how much money you have, your family is the most important thing you have and you cannot take that for granted. You or one of your family members could be snatched away forever. Every moment is precious. Suddenly, my business wasn't so important. Money is least important. I could care less if there is enough money for our trip.....Enjoying the season and the gift of life given is the most important thing for us to focus on. We are gifts to each other, if we don't appreciate the gifts we have, one day it won't be there anymore. "Things" don't matter. Being with my family matters.

Because of this tragedy, I am talking with family members that I have not spoken to for years. There is no "I" in Christmas. Time is short and we must love much with the little time that is left.

Don't forget to make cookies with your kids this Christmas....

Shalom~
Susan Adams

Tell your friends and family what they mean to you and worship the Lord as you never have before. Don't let the enemy win in your heart when LORD Sabaoth has already utterly defeated him.

Wow...Has it REALLY Been Eight Years?!?!

2007-12-11T18:06:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that we've been married 8 years! We've been through quite a bit in those years. Four apartments, five jobs, three contracts, and several work-studies (between the two of us), a four year degree completed in three, four deaths, two surgeries, infertility, times of spiritual growth as well as some pretty heavy warfare,a pregnancy, birth and subsequent sleepless nights thereafter, three lay-offs, six months of postpartum depression and another 18 months with untreated symptoms of bi-polar disorder, swallowing our pride and moving in with family, a bankruptcy and a miscarriage.

We've been through a lot together, and (now that I'm on meds and can THINK clearly) I can honestly say that I love Ben even more today than I did the day we got married. As much as I hate to admit it, I've given him a lot of crap over the years—especially in the last two. And rather than leave me because it was too hard, or check out on me mentally or emotionally, he stayed just as steady as ever. I can never thank him enough for that.

Ben, I'm so sorry we have to live through all this crap right now. But you are an amazing man for the way you handle it. You always help me take the high road when all I want to do it wrestle in the mud with the pigs. Thank you for going on this great adventure with me. I just wouldn't be the same with anyone else. I love you!

This Makes the Week MUCH Better....

2007-11-19T17:13:00.000-07:00

We're in Buena Vista, Colorado. It's about two hours past the end of civilization. It's a LOOOOOOONG drawn-out ugly story, but because of some past issues that still periodically rear their ugly heads, I was dreading being up here. Right up until I started up my Macbook and saw this beautiful message:

None of your trusted wireless networks can be found. Would you like to join ACTIONTEC wireless network?"

YEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! I HAVE INTERNET ACCESS!!!!!! So now I can post pictures of the beautiful B&B on the river that we're staying at for almost a week for FREE as well as blog my frustrations out (while I eat S'more poptarts that I have hidden from the rest of the family in our suite. And I can finish my new "Best of Engrish.com" post!!!!

Maybe I can enjoy the holiday after all.

Bipolar: Not Your Average Bear

2007-11-01T09:05:00.000-06:00

Today our lesson is about bipolar. Can you say bipolar? That's nice. I like the way you say that.... What's that? No, bipolar doesn't live at the North Pole with Santa. Bipolar lives in your brain AND MAKES YOU AND THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU CRAZY AS LOONS!!!!!!!!!! Or at least it feels that way.

I went to my shrink yesterday...why do they call them "shrink"? They don't really do that. Anyway I've been having problems with severe mood swings since after Adriana was born. For a while, I just attributed them to postpartum and then to just stress. Well, it's almost two years later, and they've actually gotten worse. I finally decided that I couldn't live with it anymore and went to see my psychiatrist to see if my anti-depressants needed to be adjusted. I also mentioned to him that my sister suggested that I talk to him about being screened for bipolar disorder. It made perfect sense. A month of extreme highs and lots of energy followed by weeks on end of depression coupled with extreme desire to obliterate everyone in my vision—plus the fact that I have a sister, a brother and a niece who are all bipolar. It commonly runs in families. So after an hour an a half (well, almost 2, because there was a fire alarm...hmm...a fire alarm pull at a mental hospital. I wonder who did that?!?!?!), and $250 (because we had to do this without insurance), he told me he thinks I'm definitely bipolar and started me on a treatment plan. I'm excited (and not just because I'm in my manic phase). I can finally stop being angry all the time!!

The bad news...we're all convinced that my Mom is bipolar too, but she refuses to get any help. That's just who she is, always has been and people just need to deal with it. Living with her while I'm trying to get better is a daily struggle. I don't want to pass those patterns on to Adriana or any other children we might have. She's not abusive, but the mood swings still have an effect on everyone involved. Fast forward to this morning: she woke up in a LOVELY mood. She's still ticked at me for our plans changing yesterday and she had to watch Adri for longer than expected and consequently didn't get the bathroom cleaned like she wanted to. Then she got mad at my Dad because he didn't get rid of all the halloween candy last night. And then he was sitting in her chair...and while I didn't snap, I made a quick decision that the measly $500 or $600 dollars I'd be making a month is not worth putting the entire household through that kind of stress. Don't get me wrong...the money would help--A LOT!!! But Adri is a very smart, very emotionally aware child. And I KNOW she picks up on the mood swings. And I really don't want her to get the idea that she's in the way or that she's done something wrong by just being in existence. I DID grow up with that, and that's why I am the way I am today...in need of constant psychotherapy. My daughter isn't the end-all be-all, but she deserves better.

Tune in next time when I'll let the voices in my head write the blog entry! ;-)

First Day on the Job

2007-10-22T16:49:00.000-06:00

Well, kind of anyway. It was actually only a four hour training session, but it was really fun. I dialed into their system, and spent an hour talking AGAIN about the fact that my environment must be absolutely quiet, no noise, and that we MUST have a corded phone AND headset....blah, blah.... Then she turned us loose for almost 3 hours to do self-paced study, learning about the company, how they work, who they work for and how to get around the web center. I finished an hour early with a 100% on my quiz, so I just went upstairs and got something to eat. You know, there's really something to be said for being able to work at home. I'm still a little apprehensive about whether or not I'll be successful working for J.Crew—they're not really my style, so I'm not sure how well I'll be able to sell and up-sell. But I'll give it a try. It's only a seasonal position, so in January I'll be able to apply for another program.

In other news....

The last few weeks have been a crazy ride. One of my favorite aunts passed away on the 6th of this month. That was pretty hard. She had lung cancer, and it metastasized to her brain for the second time. They couldn't do any more radiation, or it would destroy her brain, so she opted for brain surgery. That was four weeks ago. I saw her before she went in for the surgery, but because we were all sick and I didn't want to make HER sick, we didn't see her in ICU. Then they moved her to a hospice, but we don't really know why, because her doctor said that he would find a way to keep her in the hospital until she was ready to come home. He never said anything to the family after she died. She was only in the hospice less than 24 hours before she started having heart problems. She had a very sad life, though, so I'm glad she's home with Jesus. I just wish I could have seen her before she left. Then came the issues with my uncle. Sometimes I wish my mouth wasn't redeemed so I could tell you what I really think of him. Plus I don't want anyone to see that I'm not as pristine on the inside as I am on the outside. I did, however, learn how to sign it, so sometimes I can say it and no one will know ;-) Anyway, long story short, this uncle is a real winner, and decided to use some family heirlooms to try to extort money from my Mom and her remaining two sisters. And if that wasn't enough, there's an issue with my sister—we think he did something to several of us when we were little, my sister having the worst of it. But no one remembers anything, so we can't prove it. But he's still creepy. Anyway, my sister went into a full-fledged panic attack over it (and rightfully so). We ended up getting her a valium and a muscle relaxer and hiding her in the nursery with Adriana the whole time. We just kept telling my uncle that she had to run an errand. Then we had to get her out of the church basement and to the car without her being seen. We waited until they went out for a smoke break, I grabbed her out of the nursery and rushed her up the stairs and into Pastor's office. That allowed Ben time to get Adri and her things together and then I put him in the office with her just in case. We managed to get her home safe and sound, though. After all that, I felt like I could probably run security for the President!!!!! One of the things that really touched me was the small bouquet that my aunt from California sent. It had three pink roses, arranged from tallest to shortest, representing the three sisters that are left, and one white rose tucked in the back to represent my aunt that died. The card read, "Sisters Forever." I burst into tears when I read that.

My mom, her younger sister, my cousin, and the bouquet. I could only get two of them to smile at the same time.

My mom and her sister in California haven't spoken to one another for almost 30 years!!!! But when my uncle, their older brother (who was also involved in this whole little not speaking thing) passed away last December, he told them it was time to give it up and get over it. And they did. My mom and her sister have spent more time on the phone in the last month than I think they have in their lives!! There have been a lot of death in that family lately--there are only three sisters left out of seven children. But there's been a lot of healing too. So between that, Ben's anything but encouraging job search and our bankruptcy hearing on the 17th, it's been a pretty rough month. The confusing thing is that everything we've been hearing from the Lord has been that He will bring us back from desolation and restore our fortunes and our joy—"praise and honor in every land where [we] were put to shame." "They will rejoice in the bounty of the Lord....I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." I know that just because He says it now doesn't mean it's going to happen NOW. But this has been such a rough road...it's hard to believe that He'll do what He says.

This is what the LORD says:
"Restrain your voice from weeping
and your eyes from tears,
for your work will be rewarded,"
declares the LORD.
"They will return from the land of the enemy.

17 So there is hope for your future,"
declares the LORD.
"Your children will return to their own land.

...hmmm...I wonder if that means He'll be moving us back to Colorado Springs ;-) (tee hee)

I Just REALLY Can't Do This Anymore

2007-09-20T20:10:00.000-06:00

Ben called me yesterday (Wednesday) morning at around 10:30 and said he was on his way home. That can only mean one thing....he lost his job. He wasn't fired, but it wasn't a lay-off either. They just decided they didn't need him anymore and let him go. When he asked his boss what he did wrong, he wouldn't say anything other than, "you didn't do anything wrong." Well, we found out by chance that when Ben went in to pick up his paycheck, his boss was in an interview. When Ben was offered this job, they gave him a low-ball offer--about $10k LESS than someone with his skills should be making. He said his salary requirement was the minimum that he needed to support his family and couldn't take anything less. They reluctantly went ahead and offered him what he asked for. We're pretty sure now that they just hired Ben because they needed someone and got rid of him when they found someone who would accept less.
So....please pray that he will be able to find something at the right price and at the right time. We have insurance through the end of the month, but after that, we're on our own. COBRA is MUCH too expensive for our current financial situation. Please also pray that we would see God in this situation. I won't go into the gory details, but in the last year, we've been rubbed pretty raw. A lot like Job was. Just about the time we think we've hit bottom, the floor gets moved and we go down just a little further.

We do know that God knows what He's doing and I'm TRYING to trust that. Today wasn't one of those days where I was successful. I've yelled and cried and stomped my feet at God telling him that this isn't fair. We've asked Him to bless us and what seem to be curses rain down on our heads. I told Ben a while back when he was having trouble believing in God's goodness, that God is either good, or He is a liar. I know He's not a liar. He is Who He says He is. I just can't see any of it right now.

Okay, this is evolving into an epistle, so I'll stop now. But we definitely would appreciate your prayers if you think about us.

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

House Church Picnic

2007-09-03T16:06:00.000-06:00

After a little summer break, we met our house church today at Belleview Park for a picnic. It was a lot of fun for me, because I grew up going to that park with my cousin. Adri had a great time going to the petting zoo and taking a ride on the train.

Adriana "playing football" with Nathan, the youngest son of our house church leaders.

Eating lunch.

Nathan and Caleb showing off their latest catch from the creek.
Adri petting a miniature cow.

Adri petting a sheep. She LOVED the sheep. she went around to pet them all TWICE!

Adri & Mommy sitting on the train.

Adri and I standing in front of the train. I have foggy, but fond memories of this train. My cousin and I used to ride this train all the time in our summers growing up. My Mom's cousin's father-in-law used to drive the train, so whenever we came to the park, Carolyn and I were not only allowed to ride the train, but every once in a while we were allowed to ride up front with the engineer. As much as I miss living in Colorado Springs, I'm really enjoying the opportunity to do things with my daughter that I got to do when I was a little girl.

I Suppose I Should Post Something....

2007-09-02T19:38:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted anything in quite a while. I've just been so busy trying to keep up with everything, I haven't had time to write. So here's the short version of the last few weeks. I made a slide show with slide.com. I like making slide shows. ;-)

Oh yes, and this one. We've been trying to get Adriana used to not having her pacifier. I think it's backfiring on us.

Not REALLY My Idea of a Date

2007-08-15T10:06:00.000-06:00

I was happily getting ready to fix fajitas for supper last night. I went out to the patio room where the chest freezer is to get the steak and some cheese so I could get started. I took all the stuff off the top of the freezer, opened the lid and got out the food and shut the lid. Well, I must have disturbed something when I got the cheese out, because the lid wouldn't shut all the way. Well, I had already put everything back up before I noticed it, so instead of taking it all off again, I just lifted the lid and slipped my hand in there to move the cheese over to the middle. Well, unbeknownst to me, there was a broken light bulb in the lid (that's normally covered, but the cover broke a while back). Actually, I DID know about it. My niece Emily had told me about it a while back. I THOUGHT I had told my Dad, and I THOUGHT he had taken care of it. Well, evidently I didn't tell him, so he had no idea it was broken. Well, the light bulb is gone now, but not before I sliced my hand open on it. And I mean SLICED. The ER nurse said it was so clean, it looked like a scalpul did it. It was deep enough that it took a few seconds for it to start bleeding, but when it did, it was DARK red. I was freaking out, but rather calm through the whole thing. My sister Bridget had just left, so I called her first to see if she could turn around and come take me to the hospital and leave the girls here to help my Mom with Adri. Then I called Ben to tell him to step on it and get home asap! Luckily he's still new enough at his job that he can leave for home at 5pm and not leave anything undone. As things turned out, Ben got home just as Bridget and I were headed out to the car, so he ended up going with me to the hospital.
It was actually kinda fun. My adrenelin was really high still, so I was in a really silly mood. We sat in the waiting room, Ben holding up my arm, and watching their tank full of tropical fish. They had two clown fish—an adult and a baby, so we had no choice but to name them Marlin and Nemo. Then there was another little red fish that seemed to scoot everywhere, so Ben named him Scooter. He was funny. He seemed to only want to use his tail fin instead of his side fins, so he kinda swam like he had an outboard motor on his butt. And he would pluk himself down in the little crevices in the rock and just sit there. He'd start at the top and then "hop" down stairstep-like. He was really funny. Then there was a really pretty magenta and florescent yellow one. He didn't do anything; he was just pretty. It was then that I realized *gasp* I was having fun with my husband!!!! It's not that he's not fun...I have just been under so much stress lately that I haven't been able to let go enough to have fun. It was an amazing blessing.

Back to the gorey details. They took me back and shot my hand up with numbing medication. I'm not usually one to flinch at needles, but that sucker HURT!!!! Then Ben told me I squeezed like a wimp, so I hit him. Then an EMT came by and scrubbed out the wound&mdashand I mean S_C_R_U_B_B_E_D!!! You know, like you would scrub a pan with baked on grease. I kept looking at it thinking, "I am SO glad that thing is numb." Someone came by and took xrays to make sure I didn't have any glass left in there, and then they came over to stitch me up (they gave me six, but probably should have been 8 or 10, Bridget said). That was actually kinda cool to watch. After that, they bandaged me up and sent me home with all sorts of cool toys and a bottle of percoset. I had the best night's sleep last night!!!!

So now I'm home trying not to slam my hand into anything. I never realized just how much I use my left hand!!! But most of all, I'm taking comfort in knowing that I won't always be constantly frustrated with everything and eventually will be able to have fun with my husband again. Soon....

Such Wisdom

2007-08-06T20:05:00.000-06:00

My comments are below this post.

Putting My Daughter to Bed Two Hours After the Bridge Collapsed
August 1, 2007 | By: John Piper
Category: Written Posts by John Piper, Current Events, Don't Waste Your Life

At about 6 PM tonight the bridge of Interstate 35W over the Mississippi River in Minneapolis collapsed. I am writing this about three hours after the bridge fell. The bridge is located within sight of Bethlehem Baptist Church. Most of us who minister at the church cross this bridge several times a week. At this point I don’t know if any staff was on the bridge. Desiring God offices are about a mile from the bridge.

There are no firm facts at this point about the total number of injuries and fatalities. When we crossed the bridge Tuesday on our way out of town, there was extensive repair work happening on the surface of the bridge with single lane traffic. One speculates about the unusual stresses on the bridge with jackhammers and other surface replacement equipment. This was the fortieth anniversary of the bridge.

Tonight for our family devotions our appointed reading was Luke 13:1-9. It was not my choice. This is surely no coincidence. O that all of the Twin Cities, in shock at this major calamity, would hear what Jesus has to say about it from Luke 13:1-5. People came to Jesus with heart-wrenching news about the slaughter of worshipers by Pilate. Here is what he said.

There were some present at that very time who told him about the Galileans whose blood Pilate had mingled with their sacrifices. And he answered them, "Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans, because they suffered in this way? No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish. Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell and killed them: do you think that they were worse offenders than all the others who lived in Jerusalem? No, I tell you; but unless you repent, you will all likewise perish."

Jesus implies that those who brought him this news thought he would say that those who died, deserved to die, and that those who didn’t die did not deserve to die. That is not what he said. He said, everyone deserves to die. And if you and I don’t repent, we too will perish. This is a stunning response. It only makes sense from a view of reality that is radically oriented on God.

All of us have sinned against God, not just against man. This is an outrage ten thousand times worse than the collapse of the 35W bridge. That any human is breathing at this minute on this planet is sheer mercy from God. God makes the sun rise and the rain fall on those who do not treasure him above all else. He causes the heart to beat and the lungs to work for millions of people who deserve his wrath. This is a view of reality that desperately needs to be taught in our churches, so that we are prepared for the calamities of the world.

The meaning of the collapse of this bridge is that John Piper is a sinner and should repent or forfeit his life forever. That means I should turn from the silly preoccupations of my life and focus my mind’s attention and my heart’s affection on God and embrace Jesus Christ as my only hope for the forgiveness of my sins and for the hope of eternal life. That is God’s message in the collapse of this bridge. That is his most merciful message: there is still time to turn from sin and unbelief and destruction for those of us who live. If we could see the eternal calamity from which he is offering escape we would hear this as the most precious message in the world.

We prayed during our family devotions. Talitha (11 years old) and Noel and I prayed earnestly for the families affected by the calamity and for the others in our city. Talitha prayed “Please don’t let anyone blame God for this but give thanks that they were saved.” When I sat on her bed and tucked her in and blessed her and sang over her a few minutes ago, I said, “You know, Talitha, that was a good prayer, because when people ‘blame’ God for something, they are angry with him, and they are saying that he has done something wrong. That’s what “blame” means: accuse somebody of wrongdoing. But you and I know that God did not do anything wrong. God always does what is wise. And you and I know that God could have held up that bridge with one hand.” Talitha said, “With his pinky.” “Yes,” I said, “with his pinky. Which means that God had a purpose for not holding up that bridge, knowing all that would happen, and he is infinitely wise in all that he wills.”

Talitha said, “Maybe he let it fall because he wanted all the people of Minneapolis to fear him.” “Yes, Talitha,” I said, “I am sure that is one of the reasons God let the bridge fall.”

I sang to her the song I always sing,

Come rest your head and nestle gently
And do not fear the dark of night.
Almighty God keeps watch intently,
And guards your life with all his might.
Doubt not his love, nor power to keep,
He never fails, nor does he sleep.

I said, “You know, Talitha, that is true whether you die in a bridge collapse, or in a car accident, or from cancer, or terrorism, or old age. God always keeps you, even when you die. So you don’t need to be afraid, do you.” “No,” she shook her head. I leaned down and kissed her. “Good night. I love you.”

Tonight across the Twin Cities families are wondering if they will ever kiss a loved one good night again. Some will not. I am praying that they will find Jesus Christ to be their Rock and Refuge in these agonizing hours of uncertainty and even loss.

The word “bridge” does not occur in the Bible. There may be two reasons. One is that God doesn’t build bridges, he divides seas. The other is that usually his people must pass through the deadly currents of suffering and death, not simply ride over them. “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you” (Isaiah 43:2). They may drown you. But I will be with you in life and death.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, "For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life . . . will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:35-38)

Killed all day long. But not separated from Christ. We go through the river. Not over it. He went before us, crucified. He came out on the other side. He knows the way through. With him we will make it. That is the message we have for the precious sinners in the Twin Cities. He died for your sins. He rose again. He saves all who trust him. We die, but because of him, we do not die.

Jesus said, "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.” (John 11:25)

Talitha is sleeping now. But one day she will die. I teach her this. I will not always be there to bless her. But Jesus is alive and is the same yesterday today and forever. He will be with her because she trusts him. And she will make it through the river.

I shall not die, but live, and declare the glory of the Lord. (Psalm 118:17) That was a verse I used quite often in college when I was convinced that I wasn't going to make it through the semester (which was quite often). A Philosophy and History of Education test (that I hadn't studdied for) was SO miniscule compared to what I'm going through now. Silly me [rolling eyes]. I may not have enjoyed that trial, but God brought me through it. I don't particularly like this one either (and I must say it's "suck-age" rating is FAR greater than the P&H test), but He will walk me through it. Not around it...not over it. Through it. And in each cotton-pickin' communistic step of the way, He will be right beside me. Telling me not to call it that. ;-)

Psalm 71:20 You who have made me see many troubles and calamities will revive me again.

That Was a Mean Trick, Poppie!

2007-08-05T19:08:00.000-06:00

My Dad has false teeth. He thought it would be entertaining to show that to Adriana durring dinner tonight. So now she walks around the house doing the sign for "please" and then pulling on her two front teeth. She wants us to please help her take her teeth out. My Dad has a sick sense of humor.

Also, I ran across this website tonight—www.simpsonizeme.com. Pretty meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but it gave me a smile for a half hour. So now I present to you, my readers, the Kuiper-Simpson Family: Ben, Brandi, Adri and Rosie.

I photoshopped everyone together. And you'll never be able to see it, but I wrote "No, I will NOT fix your computer." on Ben's shirt. I know. I need serious help....

Pics from the Hospital

2007-07-30T08:35:00.000-06:00

Here are a few pics I took at the hospital on Friday with Adriana. My cell doesn't take the greatest pictures, but it gave me something to do.

My hunk-a hunk-a husband

My incredibly cute new shoes—a birthday gift from my in-laws.

Adri in a tangle of leads. For the first hour or so she looked like a marionette.

Adri kickin' back with some Veggie Tales and oxygen while waiting for the respiratory therapist to come in with her treatment.

Once the steroids kicked in, it was hard to keep her down.

Obviously feeling like her old self.

Anyone Got a Rock?

2007-07-29T20:28:00.001-06:00

...Or something that I can use to BEAT some sense into my parents?!?!?!?!?

Ben and I have really been struggling lately because we NEVER get any time alone together. I mean EVER. So we decided to look into having my niece Emily watch Adri for a few hours on a Saturday while we go do something together. We came home and I asked Mom and Dad if they would be okay with Emily watching Adri over here, and Dad blew a fuse. "I've had it. I'm hiring someone to finish that basement. I'm tired of all the bickering and no one wanting to do any work downstairs. I finished the sanding downstairs and I'LL prime it and then get someone to finish the rest." Wat the heck??????? Last thing I was told was don't worry about doing anything down there yet because no one will be here this weekend. We'll work on it next weekend. Then he comes in and says, "Do you know when I get time to MY self??? One o'clock in the morning, that's when!" While trying to keep my cool, I said, "with all due respect, Dad, you are responsible for you. We are doing what WE are responsible for, and this is something very necessary right now." He just walked away mumbling. So I genuinely asked my Mom if I was asking for too much—two or three hours every other week so Ben and I can have time together. She flipped her lid and said, "Since when is that Dad's and my problem? And how do you think you're going to afford to pay a babysitter? If you are only this far into paying off your debt and are already having problems like this I don't know how you're going to make it to the end" Again I scream, what the heck???????????? She said, "I'm with Dad. I said from the beginning that I didn't want you guys living here. We went through the same bulls*** with Michael and Bridget. What made me change my mind is that you said, 'Do you ever want to see your grandchild again?' and it nearly killed me." BULL!!!!!!!!!! SHE IS MY CHILD, NOT A BARGAINING CHIP!!! She may have done that I WOULD NEVER SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I NEVER asked for that basement to be finished. All I asked for is if we could clean out the basement so Ben and I could sleep down there instead and let them have their space back. Finishing it was Dad's idea. And they both thought us moving down there was a good idea.

Really, are we asking for too much? I'm about ready to find an apartment, file bankruptcy and call it good. I can't handle much more of this.

The Best-Laid Plans of Mice and Men Often Go Awry

2007-07-28T20:27:00.000-06:00

Well, last night's dinner was SUPPOSED to have been Balsamic Chicken. We didn't even get to prep it!! Gosh...where do I start? Starting about Tuesday of this week, Adri started getting a runny nose. I didn't think much of it, because it was clear and she wasn't coughing. Wednesday she started coughing a little bit, but I still didn't see anything to worry about. Thursday things started turning. That afternoon she had been running around the living room after Rosie and when she came to sit on my lap to have a snack, I noticed that she was beginning to wheeze a little bit. So I made plans to go pick up a nebulizer that evening from my sister and get her started on breathing treatments so that it wouldn't get any worse than it already was. I started at 7 o'clock when we got home, and strapped her up to the machine every three hours through the night. We got up Friday morning, and the treatments had done nothing. Her poor little chest looked like it was filled with cement and she was desperately trying to get it out. Her belly would fill out while her chest would cave in—it wasn't a pretty sight. So I made an appointment with her doc, put all the pets in their rightful places and hopped in Alice's van and headed to the doctor.

We got in and the first thing the nurse said was, "Well, she doesn't look too bad, now does she?" That's because she was walking all over the office and playing with the toys in the bucket. So I said, "Yes, that's what they said the last time she ended up in after-hours care for 5 hours and was almost sent to the ER. I bet if you take her pulse-ox it's going to be in the 80's." (anything under 90% requires oxygen). Her's was 86%. Score one for Mommy. Anyway, six breathing treatments, 3ml of oxygen, and a dose of Prednizone later, the doc comes in and says, "Well, she's still wheezing considerably, and she's not responding to the breathing treatments. I really think she would be better served and monitored at the emergency room at Children's Hospital. I've called an ambulance to take you guys over and they should be here shortly." At that point I was trying not to freak out, because my 12 year old niece Emily was with me and I didn't want to freak her out. So I just smiled and started calling people like crazy. I called my sister Bridget (the nurse) and let her know what was going on. She knew how serious it was too but was also trying not to freak out for my sake. I called my parents and let them know. They didn't care—they freaked out anyway. Then I called Ben. there wasn't anyone in charge there, so he just started calling and leaving messages with everyone he could think of and left. Luckily his office is only about 15 mintues from the doctor's office. The ambulance team we got was REALLY good (not to mention hot!!). They immediately took to Adri (in between playing with the office scale and other equipment). She played coy, but that just made them work harder to get her to smile or laugh. They got her carseat strapped to the gurney and we headed out the front door to the truck. Ben rode in the ambulance with her and Emily and I followed them in the van to Children's Hospital. I think that was about 1 o'clock. We didn't leave Children's Hospital until 6:30pm!!!!!!!! I totally understand why—they wanted to make sure that her oxygen saturation was going to stay above 95% and that she could go without a treatment for four hours (or close to it). Adri was having a grand time, but the rest of us were bored. They brought toys in for her and they had a TV/VCR in each of the triage rooms and brought in videos for her. And while I was wandering around trying to find my way to cell service, I saw a couple of older kids in rooms playing video games! All in all, it's a pretty cool place. And by this time, my mother-in-law was on her way up. She really was worried (especially with all the stuff Ben went thorugh when he was Adri's age), so she drove up from Buena Vista for the evening. She got into town just about the time we were discharged from the ER, so we met her in the parking lot of the Kaiser office, picked up the Jeep and got hugs. Ben and MIL went back to James and Alice's house to survey the damage. The poor dogs had been crated since 10am that morning, and we KNEW poor little Bingo wasn't going to make it past 3pm. We were right. He was pretty messy. But MIL knew what she was in for and cleaned him up with great gusto. Helped Ben get things settled there while I took Adri home for some much needed sleep (for both of us!).

We took her into the after-hours clinic yesterday by order from the ER to make sure that she was still responding to the steroids and her breathing treatments. The doc on call said she sounded great. She's on Prednisone twice a day for the next four days and I'll slowly wean her off the breathing treatments between today and Tuesday. I'll call in the morning to make an appointment with her doctor to discuss treatment options. Two of these episodes in two months isn't a good sign. They want to put her on a daily inhaled steroid, but I'm not real sure about that just yet. I think I'd rather have her tested first before we put her on anything daily. Maybe I'll talk to Bridget and see what she suggests. This is where my natural/organic side conflicts with my medical side. If she needs it, then she needs it. There's no getting around it. But I don't want to just give it to her blindly either.

Oy vey...I'll post pictures later today. Adri was just too cute in the ER not to snap a few pics with my cell phone.

Better Late Than Never

2007-07-26T13:37:00.000-06:00

Last night was a little crazy. I never even did the dishes!! Ben was at work yesterday for almost 12 hours!! And not because he wanted to be. The owner of the company had the bright idea to play "musical employees" with everyone. He moved Ben's boss and another co-worker to do Ben's job and the moved Ben into his boss's job and added the work of two other co-workers. It's a VERY long story, but we're pretty sure the owner is trying to get Ben to quit. They don't dare fire him (1, because they have no just cause to and 2, because they'd NEVER get everything done). It's been a rather frustrating couple of days.

So without further ado, here are the recipes for last night's supper. Because I was chasing after dogs, cats and a toddler, don't have a picture for anything but the cheesecake. And I only have the cheesecake photo because it's the most AMAZING cheesecake I've ever made!!!

Skinny Turkey-Spinach Meat Loaf
Originally from www.cookinglight.com

Cooking spray
1 cup finely chopped onion
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 cup dry breadcrumbs
1/2 cup fat-free milk
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
4 large egg whites
1 1/2 pounds ground turkey breast
1/2 pound ground beef, extra lean
2 (10-ounce) packages frozen leaf spinach, thawed, drained, and squeezed dry
1/2 cup ketchup

Instructions: Preheat oven to 350°.
Heat a large nonstick skillet coated with cooking spray over medium-high heat. Add onion, and sauté 4 minutes. Add garlic, and sauté 30 seconds. Remove from heat. Combine onion mixture, breadcrumbs, and the next 8 ingredients (breadcrumbs through spinach), stirring well.
Shape meat mixture into a 12 x 5-inch loaf on a broiler pan coated with cooking sprhttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifay. Brush ketchup over the top of the loaf. Bake at 350° for 45 minutes or until a thermometer registers 160°; let stand 10 minutes before slicing.

Variations: To lower the carbs, substitute 1/2 cup of bread crumbs for 1/2 cup of parmesan cheese.

Calories: 292
Cholesterol: 66 mg
Fat: 9.6 g
Saturated Fat: 2.9 g
% Calories From Fat: 87.6 %
Protein: 31 g
Carbohydrates: 20.2 g
Sodium: 765 mg
Fiber: 3.1 g

We also had twice backed potatoes, recipe courtesy of The Pioneer Woman Cooks. The thing I like about this is that they are SO easy!!! All my life I've heard how complicated twice-baked potatoes are, and it's simply not true. Maybe it was just because no one wanted to make them for me. I'll leave that one to my counselor and let you have the recipe.

This recipe calls for 6 potatoes. If you use fewer, then cut your other ingredients back a little—you can just eye it. A good rule of thumb is that you'll want one or two more potatoes than you have people. That way you can really stuff the skins generously. Wash and pat the potatoes dry, and put them in a 400 degree oven for an hour and fifteen minutes. You can microwave them if you like. Just make sure they're thoroughly cooked. While you're waiting for those, place together in a bowl, two sticks of butter, one cup of crumbled bacon (you can used pre-packaged stuff if you wish), one cup of sour cream, 1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon of season salt (she uses Lawry's), one cup of Colby/Jack cheese and fresh ground pepper.

Once the potatoes are done, cut them in half length-wise, and then scoop out the insides, careful to leave a little of the potato on the skin so it won't tear or collapse. There's nothing worse in the world than a collapsed potato. Okay, maybe not in YOUR word. Anyway, scoop the insides into the bowl with the rest of the ingredients and mash 'em up all together. If the mixture looks a little too dry, you can cream it up again with a little milk. Just don't put in too much and make it soupy.

After it's all mixed together, spoon the mixture back into the hollow (but structurally sound) skins. And if you want to be really fancy, you can pipe it in with a pastry bag and decorating tip. If you really stuff them, you'll probably have skins left over. That's why you'll want to fix a couple more potatoes than you have people eating them. Once they're all stuffed, top them off with a little salt and pepper and a little more cheese, and pop 'em back in the oven at 350 degrees for 15 to 20 minutes or until everything is warmed through. You can also freeze these if you want! Just don't put green onions in the mixture if you plan to freeze them. Pioneer Woman says that freezing onioins chemically alters the taste of green onions and ruins the the whole thing.

And finally, my pièce de résistance, my Key Lime Cheesecake. I've been making my own cheesecakes for quite a while now, and this is THE FIRST TIME that my cheesecake hasn't cracked!! I can't be sure, but I have a feeling that it's due to the extra two tablespoons of flour that I added to the recipe.

Key Lime Cheesecake
1 1/2 Cup finely ground graham crackers
2 Tablespoon white sugar
1/3 Cup unsalted butter, melted
1 1/4 Pound cream cheese, softened
3/4 Cup white sugar
1 Cup sour cream
3 Tablespoon all-purpose flour
3 Each eggs
1/2 Cup key lime juice
1 Teaspoon vanilla extract

Instructions: 1. To make Crust: In a bowl stir together the graham cracker crumbs and 2 tablespoons sugar, stir in the butter well. Pat the mixture into the bottom and 1/2 inch up the side of a buttered 10 inch springform pan and bake the crust in a preheated 375 degree F (190 degree C) oven for 8 minutes. Transfer the pan to a rack and cool.

2. In a large bowl with an electric mixer, beat cream cheese and 3/4 cup sugar until smooth, beat in the eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition. Beat in the sour cream, flour, lime juice and vanilla. Beat the mixture until it is smooth.

3. Pour the filling over the crust. Bake the cheesecake in the preheated oven for 15 minutes, reduce the temperature to 250 degrees F (120 degrees C) and bake for 50 to 55 minutes longer, or until center is barely set. Let the cheesecake cool on a rack, then chill it, covered, overnight. Remove the cheesecake from the pan and transfer it to a cake stand.

Variations: If the batter looks a little runny, add two more tablespoons of flour.

Mmmmm....I think I'm going to go have a piece right now....

Blessed Silence

2007-07-24T21:24:00.000-06:00

No dogs whining, no toddlers whining. And Rosie has finally stopped barking at the cats while chasing them around the livng room. What's even better is that no one is calling my name! "Brandi, why is the patio light on?" "Brandi, are you finished doing your laundry yet?" All I can hear right now is my daughter playing in the tub upstairs and the oven regulating the heat while it's cooking tomorrow's cheesecake. One of my best friend's from grade school and high school is coming over tomorrow for lunch. he's married now and lives with her husband and four kids in Kuwait. We haven't seen each other in 18 years!!! I'm having a hard time even dealing with the fact that I've KNOWN someone for 18 years! [I'm NOT old...I'm NOT OLD!!!]

Okay, so now on to tonight's supper. Tonight we dined on a pork roast seasoned with pepper lime seasoning, mushroom risotto, and fresh steamed green beans. My risotto needs a little work. It turned out more like sushi rice than creamy risotto, but it was still rather yummy. Oh, and the drippings from the roast combined with some left over grated parmesan cheese made a VERY nice gravy.

There really wasn't a recipe for the pork roast. I just covered it with olive oil and rubbed the seasoning on it. Put it in a pan and booked it at 350 degrees until center temp reached 160. It was AMAZING—VERY tender and juicy! The beans were just steamed with a little bit of salt. Below is the recipe for the risotto.

Gourmet Mushroom Risotto

6 cups chicken broth, divided
3 tablespoons olive oil, divided
1 pound portobello
mushrooms, thinly sliced
1 pound white mushrooms,
thinly sliced
2 shallots, diced
1 1/2 cups Arborio rice
1/2 cup dry white wine
sea salt to taste
freshly ground black pepper to
taste
3 tablespoons finely chopped
chives
4 tablespoons butter
1/3 cup freshly grated
Parmesan cheese

Instructions:

1. In a saucepan, warm the broth over low heat.

2. Warm 2 tablespoons olive oil in a large saucepan over medium-high heat. Stir in the mushrooms, and cook until soft, about 3 minutes. Remove mushrooms and their liquid, and set aside.

3. Add 1 tablespoon olive oil to skillet, and stir in the shallots. Cook 1 minute. Add rice, stirring to coat with oil, about 2 minutes. When the rice has taken on a pale, golden color, pour in wine, stirring constantly until the wine is fully absorbed. Add 1/2 cup broth to the rice, and stir until the broth is absorbed. Continue adding broth 1/2 cup at a time, stirring continuously, until the liquid is absorbed and the rice is al dente, about 15 to 20 minutes.

4. Remove from heat, and stir in mushrooms with their liquid, butter, chives, and parmesan. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

Serves: 6
Prep Time: 20
Cook Time: 30
Total Time: 50

Calories: 459
Cholesterol: 25 mg
Fat: 18.5 g
Saturated Fat: 7.3 g
% Calories From Fat: 167 %
Protein: 13 g
Carbohydrates: 56.3 g
Sodium: 1240 mg
Fiber: 3.2 g
Trans Fat: g
Sugars: 3.3 g

Tomorrow for lunch I'm making a bunch of little pizza crusts and everyone can make their own pizzas. I thought that would be fun for the kids. And for dessert, my beloved Key Lime Cheesecake. Let me tell you—you're gonna want to eat that in private.

Until tomorrow....

Tonight's Meal....

2007-07-23T20:55:00.000-06:00

Bacon Parmesan Crusted Tilapia, Fresh Corn Casserole and a Berry Dutch Baby for dessert. The tilapia was pretty decent, although I think next time I'll use the little "bottled" parmesan cheese rather than shredded parmesan. I think it will help the bread crumbs stick to the fish a little better. I also took a shortcut and used already cooked bacon—MUCH easier. Ben made a good point—maybe next time I should wrap partially cooked bacon around the fillets and then let it finish cooking with the fish.

Bacon Parmesan Crusted Tilapia
Coastal Living Magazine and www.myrecipes.com

8 bacon slices, cooked and crumbled
1 1/2 cups soft breadcrumbs
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
2 tablespoons chopped fresh Italian parsley
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
2 large eggs
4 (5 to 6-ounce) tilapia fillets
1 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
4 tablespoons butter, divided
4 tablespoons olive oil, divided

Instructions: Combine first 4 ingredients in a shallow dish. Set aside.
Place flour in a shallow dish. Whisk eggs in a medium bowl. Sprinkle fish with salt and pepper, and dredge in flour. Shake off excess, dip fish into egg, and press gently into breadcrumb mixture.
Heat 2 tablespoons butter and 2 tablespoons oil in a large heavy skillet over medium heat until butter melts. Add 2 fish fillets; cook 3 minutes on each side or until golden. Repeat with remaining butter, oil, and fish.

I didn't have quite as much luck with the fresh corn casserole. It's a pretty simple recipe—six ears fresh, uncooked corn on the cob, 2/3 cup heavy whipping cream, 3 tablespoons of butter and salt and pepper to taste. Somehow mine came out a very creamy, but runny mess. Rest assured it was good, though. I'll have to re-experiment some day soon.

Dessert, however, was my pride and joy. Behold, I give you the Berry Dutch Baby!

A Dutch Baby is similar to a German Pancake...only somehow it became Dutch. And since my husband is a Dutch baby and my baby is a Dutch baby...(but part German too), I was outnumbered and made this one. Boy, was it yummy!!! And SO incredibly EASY to make!!! It was intended for breakfast this morning, but my friend Sarah had a gallbladder attack over the weekend and wasn't able to make it down. So back in the fridge it went, and I took it out for dessert.

Berry Dutch Baby

A wonderful baked pancake that can be quickly put together without fuss. While this recipe calls for berries, pitted fruits -- peaches, plums, nectarines -- can be used with or instead of berries. If you enjoy tangy flavors, try substituting plain yogurt or buttermilk for half the milk.

3 large egg whites
2 large eggs
1 Cup All-Purpose flour
1 Cup nonfat milk
2 Tablespoon Sugar
2 Teaspoon Vanilla
1/2 Teaspoon Salt
1 Tablespoon unsalted butter or margarine
3 1/2 Cup raspberries or strawberries or blueberries (or a combo)
1/2 Teaspoon Cinnamon
2 Tablespoon powdered sugar

Instructions: 1. Pre heat oven to 425 degrees. Place cast iron skillet or other ovenproof frying pan in the oven.

2. Blend together the egg whites, eggs, flour, milk, sugar, vanilla, and salt until smooth.

3. Add butter to the hot skillet, swirling to melt butter and coat both bottom and sides of pan.

4. Pour the batter into the pan and bake 25 minutes or until until the Dutch baby is puffy and well-browned.

5. While the cake is baking, mix the cinnamon and berries in a bowl.

6. Spoon the berries onto the Dutch baby and sprinkle with powdered sugar.

7. Serve hot.

And for the first time in I've TOTALLY lost track of how long, Ben and I had an HOUR of uninterrupted time together!!!! Adri decided she didn't want to lie down this afternoon (got too long of a catnap in the car), so she was MORE than ready to go to bed at 8:30pm. It took me all of 5 minutes to get her to sleep! We're going to HAVE to figure out how to do this at home when we go back. There has to be SOMEPLACE in that house that we can go to get away from prying eyes and ears. Anyone up for drywalling?

My Cooking Vacation

2007-07-22T18:33:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I'm not really on vacation. We're at James and Alice's place house/pet sitting for them while THEY'RE on vacation. It FEELS like a vacation to us because...well, because we're not with my parents. We have a whole 9 days to watch what we want, spend as much time on the computer as we want, and most importantly to COOK what we want. So over the next few days, you can sneak a peek at what the Kuiper's are eating.

Sunday's Meal: Fettuccine Carbonara

1 pound dry fettuccine noodles
1 package bacon
3 eggs
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 1/4 cups heavy cream
1 TBSP chopped garlic
ground black pepper to taste

Instructions: 1. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add fettuccine and cook for 8 to 10 minutes or until al dente; drain.

2. Fry bacon in skillet over medium heat until crispy, remove and drain on paper towel. Chop with knife into bits.

3. Beat the eggs, cheese and cream in a bowl, then add the bacon. Pour over the pasta in the pan and toss gently using tongs.

4. Return the pan to a very low heat and cook for 1 to 2 minutes, or until slightly thickened. Don't overheat or the eggs will scramble. Season well with black pepper and serve.

Calories: 1106
Cholesterol: 362 mg
Fat: 71.1 g
Protein: 32.9 g
Carbohydrates: 85.8 g
Sodium: 738 mg
Fiber: 3.9 g

I used turkey bacon, so that should reduce a little of the fat/calories. I'm not sure if something like half & half (or fat free half & half)would work as a good substitute or not. I also added some mushrooms. Then I served it with some asparagus. Ben and Adri bowed down and kissed my feet. Alice, your kitchen is in very good hands. The rest of your property is too, of course. The dogs all get along for the most part. Rosie and Maggie get along well, and she likes Bingo, but gets annoyed with him quickly. Scout LOVES to torture Rosie and poor Horace just spends his days upstairs away from all the commotion.

I Will NEVER Use Cream Of Mushroom Soup Again!!

2007-07-19T18:24:00.000-06:00

Okay, so I won't use the CANNED version anyway. Let me tell you this evening's plight.

I've been working on waxes most of the afternoon for my Dad (it's paying for my counseling!!), and all of a sudden, my nieces come out and tell me their hungry and ask what's for dinner. I look at the clock and it all of a sudden was 5 o'clock. Well, my Dad refuses to even LOOK at a casserole of any kind. Something about the SOS they fed him in the army in Vietnam. Anyway, I decided to make my Chicken Noodle Casserole. It's similar to tuna noodle, but it has cream of chicken and chicken and green beans instead of cream of mushroom, tuna and peas. Well, I ran into a problem when I realized that BECAUSE my Dad doesn't eat casseroles, my Mom has no reason to buy "cream of" anything. So I went on a search to find a replacement. I knew I could make a gravy with chicken broth and flour, but it wouldn't be creamy. I didn't have any milk, powdered milk or half and half...or even cheese to "creamyize" it. That's when I found a post on www.thriftyfun.com for a substitute—evaporated milk!! I ALWAYS have evaporated milk in my pantry. So I used a can of Swanson's Roasted Garlic Chicken Broth, about 3/4 to 1 cup of flour, a little butter, made a thick paste and then over a medium heat whisked in a can of evaporated milk. I also added two tablespoons of Classico Basil Pesto for flavor. We just finished supper, and I had rave reviews! It was SOOOOOO creamy! A little runnier than the other (which was my fault...)but OHHHHH so much better!

You could do so much with this! Make your own "cream of anything" soup!!! Celery, Mushroom, Chicken, Asparagus....the stove is your oyster. Oohh! Cream of Oyster!! Okay....maybe not. And for those of you who like to make and store your own dry mixes, there was also a recipe for that!

Cream-of-Whatever Soup Mix

* 2 c powdered nonfat milk
* 3/4 c cornstarch
* 1/4 c instant chicken bouillon
* 2 tb dried onion flakes
* 1 ts basil leaves
* 1 ts thyme leaves
* 1/2 ts pepper

To use in place of canned cream soups in casseroles or as a base for your own soups. Much lower in fat and salt than the canned versions. The trick is to have it made up ready to use! Combine all ingredients, mixing well. Store in an airtight container until ready to use.

To substitute for one can of condensed soup:

Combine 1/3 cup of dry mix with 1 1/4 cups of cold water in a saucepan. Cook and stir until thickened. Add to casseroles as you would the canned product.

Makes equivalent of 9 cans of soup.

Hands Down, THE Most AMAZING Hot Sandwich!

2007-07-10T18:09:00.000-06:00

I Stumbled upon this website a while back. This woman is hillarious! I love the way she writes (click here to visit her blog). She and her family live on a cattle ranch out in the middle of southern nowhere. She named her husband (very appropriately, I might add) Marlboro Man. Anyway, this is Marlboro Man's favorite sandwich. I made it for supper tonight and got rave reviews from even the pickiest of eaters, my 8 year old niece Lizzy. My favorite part of the recipe is the last step in the instructions.

Marlboro Man's Favorite Sandwich
Website: www.thepioneerwomancooks.com

3 pounds cube steak
1 large onion
6 French/Deli rolls
1 stick Butter
Lawry's Seasoned Salt
Worcestershire Sauce
Tabasco (we didn't have any, so I used Franks Hot Sauce)

Instructions: -Slice onions and cook in 1/4 stick butter until soft and light brown. Remove and set aside.
-Slice cube steak against the grain. Season with Lawry's.
-Heat 2 TBSP butter over high heat (in same skillet) until melted and beginning to brown.
-Add meat in single layer. Cook one side until brown, then flip and cook until brown, about a minute on both sides.
-Add 1/2 (at least) Worcestershire sauce, 5 to 6 shakes Tabasco, and 2 TBSP butter. Add cooked onions. Stir to combine.
-Butter halved French rolls and brown on skillet.
-To assemble, lay bottom half of French roll on plate. Place meat mixture, followed by a spoonfull of juice from the pan. Top with other half of roll, cut in half, and devour! Now go get on the stairmaster. GO!

Staging:

Variations: Now, if I weren't married to a straight-up-meat-and-potatoes rancher, I would probably cook a bunch of sliced mushrooms with the onions. I'd add a little sherry to the meat mixture. And I'd melt a little sliced mozzarella on the top. But that's just me. Truth is, you could play around with this sandwich as much as you'd like: different veggies, different seasonings (thyme, fresh garlic, etc.), or a topping of different cheeses. Go play! Have fun! And report back to me if you make any life-altering modifications.

Up To Nothin' Much....

2007-07-09T17:59:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted in a while. Mostly I've just been busy...and haven't really known what to write and what to keep to myself. Then I figured hey--this is my blog. I can post whatever I want.

On the fun side of things, here are a few pictures of Adri over the last few weeks.

Adriana and her first time in her pool. We've since then gotten a bigger one that ALL of us can sit in.

And this is one of her drying off on the swing. She LOVES the swing, because she can get up there by herself.

Adri eating roasted corn on the cob—her new favorite meal lately. This was taken at Cornerstone Park. We went there with my sister Bridget and her family to watch fireworks on the 4th. I really don't think I'm as fat in the hips/butt as that chair makes me look.

Adri watching the fireworks. I was pretty impressed with this picture. It was taken at about 10pm. I love my digital camera!

Adri and Daddy watching the fireworks. This one was also taken in the dark

In the not so fun category, I started counseling today. Moving back to my childhood home has brought up a lot of issues for me ranging from issues with my Mom to issues stemming from past sexual abuse/assault. I chose this particular counselor because he does theophostic counseling (it's hard to explain—so you can click on the link to learn more). After going through the process with some issues, Chuck (my counselor) made a very interesting observation. In all of the memories the Holy Spirit brought me back to, I had no voice. When I went back to my sexual assult, I had no voice...I never said anything. When I went back to a memory of sitting at the dinner table and my family forgetting to feed me (no one even knew I was there until they started clearing the table), I had no voice. I never spoke up to remind them I was there. I don't know why...maybe it was because I knew that when you spoke up you got yelled at. That's really the only thing I can think of. I've got two weeks to think about it, though. The good thing is that I at least have a little more hope of being healed than I did when I started.

Oh Dear....

2007-06-24T08:49:00.000-06:00

What do I do now?

Back By Popular Demand!

2007-06-23T20:30:00.000-06:00

Okay, so no one really asked me for it. I just figured I'd post our story after the last couple of comments on my last post. Let me correct myself—we got engaged a month after we started "officially" dating. It was two weeks after he told me that he loved me that we got engaged. Below is a tag-team email Ben and I wrote to his cousin Janna in Michigan. I added the dates just to give you a frame of reference.

It all started so innocently.... *smile*

Brandi Brown came onto my team (Audrey's team) shortly after Labor Day last year (around the beginning of September 1998). At the time, I was the MIS Facilitator for the team, which means that if someone's computer wasn't working, I either fixed it or called MIS to get it fixed. This duty was in addition to my job doing data entry, so I had to balance my time between computer maintenance and mail production. We were in a time of transition (getting new computers), so there were a LOT of computer problems to deal with. Coupled with the fact that I also had to keep up my mail stats, it was very stressful. Audrey realized this, so she appointed Brandi to be my assistant MIS Facilitator. Brandi and I were good friends almost straight off; she was so easygoing and honest, it would have been hard not to be. We continued to become better and better friends through Christmas.

BKB: (Hey Janna—this is Brandi :-) A few weeks before Christmas, I began to realize that I kinda liked Ben, but I was trying desperately not to—mostly for fear that nothing would happen. So to keep myself from liking him, I used the excuse that I couldn't ever date him anyway, because he had long hair, and I didn't like long hair on guys. And the more I liked him, the more I said that to myself. Until one day just before Christmas, I finally got fed up and said, "Okay...God, if YOU want something to happen between us, then YOU'RE going to have to get him to cut his hair." And I left it at that; fully convinced that it wouldn't happen. Then I came back to work on December 28th, and it was all gone...I had to look several times to make sure it was Ben—I couldn't believe it! So once I got over the initial shock of him cutting his hair off, I started praying that we would have ore opportunities to get to know one another and become better friends. ...'kay Ben, it's your turn.

BPK: After that, we just kept getting to know each other better. I'd come by and we'd go on break together, or I'd take her to dinner, or I'd loan her CDs, or we'd to a party together. But we didn't really think we were dating. I did check with her once to make sure we were on the same page, because I didn't want one of us thinking more of the relationship that the other. WE both decided that we were just friends. Then the Columbine shootings happened in April. That kind of changed the tenor of our friendship...

BKB: In addition to knowing a number of students from Columbine, I discovered two days after the shootings that I also knew one of the kids who was killed. I worked at a daycare center during the summers when I was home from college, and Steven was there every summer. I even worked with his sister my last summer there. The whole thing hit close to home anyway, because I grew up in Littleton, and I had a lot of kids from Columbine as a youth leader at church. But when I saw Steven's picture on the news as one of the casualties, I completely lost it. So to keep my Mom from driving all the way down from Littleton in a snow storm (she didn't want me to be alone), I promised her that I would call Ben. I called him, and he came over and sat with me for...I don't know...three or four hours. He talked to me and reminisced with me and let me cry. He was always there when I needed someone. And when I was ready, he went to Columbine and Clement Park (the park behind the school where all the memorials were put up) with me. That's where the Lord started knitting our hears together as best friends.

(6/7)
BPK: Shortly after that, Brandi went out of state to be in her best friend Kim's wedding. While she was there, at least five people ask her if she and I were still "just friends". They told her that she needed to talk to me and make sure that we were still on the same page. So when she came back, she asked me. I had started questioning that myself, so when she asked me, it was a great relief. I said that I thought we were more than just friends, but I wasn't exactly sure what that meant. So we decided to officially date and follow the friendship and see how it went. If it stayed a friendship, then so be it; if our relationship deepened, we'd follow it that direction. That lasted for a little less than a month. Needless to say, it deepened...

(6/23-6/24)
BKB: A few weeks after that, I called home to see how my sister was doing (she was pregnant and had a bad case of toxemia), and my Dad said that I had a letter there from Fourth Baptist Church/School in Minneapolis. They had a position open for a high school English teach that fall, and wanted me to apply. My heart really is in the classroom still, though I've been out for three years. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to teach, but I didn't want to leave Ben either. So I prayed about it. I didn't really want to tell Ben, but he pried it out of me the next day. I think it kinda threw him for a loop too, because he was really quiet for the rest of the day. And when I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, he said, "yes, but I don't want to complicate this any more than it already is." So we left that night after work, and both went home to pray. I was trying as hard as I could to leave Ben out of the equation, because I knew he'd tip the balance, but at the same time, there were just too many obstacles to push through (like the timing, and I had to sign a new lease and break it if I got the job...). So I called and talked to my sister and brother-in-law, and they thought the same thing—there were too many obstacles. I prayed about it a little more, and felt complete peace about not applying. Then the next day Ben and I and Brian and his Dad all went to Denver to a Rockies game. Ben and I drove up alone so that I could tell him about my decision.

BPK: When I got it out of her that a teaching position had opened, it just completely knocked the wind out of me. I knew she had a heart to teach, and that she had desired so much to get back into the classroom. When I heard that she had the opportunity to do just that, it scared me. I had grown so close to her, the idea of being without her was overwhelming. But as much as I wanted to tell her that I loved her, I knew that it would weigh against her applying for the job. If it was God's will that she have this job, I didn't want to fight it. So I waited until she made her decision. When she talked to me about it on the way up to the ball game, I plied her with questions to make sure that she wasn't just dropping her life's dream for me. I would have been guilt-ridden if she had. Instead, she talked about how she had discussed it with her sister and brother-in-law, and that they though it wasn't a wise choice. Her reasoning seemed clear enough—it just didn't seem like God's timing. That relieved me. That night after the game, Brandi and I went for a walk. We took Misha with us, and we talked the whole time. For the first lap around the block, Misha was dragging us along; the second lap, we were dragging her. Poor dear ran around so much the first time around, she didn't have the wind for the second. When we got back to the house, we put Misha in the house to recover and sat out on the front step for about an hour. That's when I first told Brandi that I loved her.

BKB: And that was the first time I told Ben that I loved him (only we were on the street where when he FIRST told me :-). Anyway, the following Sunday we were sitting in my apartment after lunch, and out of the blue, Ben said, "You know, I'm having a really hart time not just proposing to you right now." And completely calmly, I said, "And I would say yes in a heartbeat, but I think we need to wait a little while." I think we were both kinda shocked at that one. But we went out to supper later that evening, and we talked about it a little more...we kinda started making plans here and there, but he hadn't really asked me to marry him. Se we went through a bunch of frustration with that, and finally talked to a friend (who is doing doing our premarital counseling and our wedding ceremony) about what we should do. He said that we were headed in the right direction, but that maybe we needed to set a specific time to just date and not talk about marriage. That way we would have time to think about what we wanted to do and still spend time together. So we both decided that a month sounded pretty good (at least that way we'd double the length of our "official" dating relationship). We decided that on Thursday...

(7/3)
BPK: Then on Friday night, we went to see Star Wars. We held hands through the entire movie. Afterwards, though I was an absolute nervous wreck. I had so many conflicting feelings that I got sick. Brandi noticed it and drove me back to my Jeep. That night I prayed that God would show me what direction to go. There were so many emotions and impulses pulling at me that I realized that I just couldn't stay where we were in our relationship. It had to go somewhere. On Saturday, we went on a picnic. This day was a day FULL of last-minute changes. Originally, we were going to go four-wheeling, but neither of us knew a good trail at the time, so we went picnicking at Palmer Park. As we were eating hot dogs on stale bread and with only mustard, we talked about how we felt about our relationship. I told her that I was simply waiting for her, because I felt like I knew her inside and out; in addition, the waiting time tables were really getting to me.

BKB: And what I didn't want to tell him was that I was only waiting, because I thought he wanted to so he could sort out his feelings (I already knew what I wanted...). So I told him all that, and that no matter how long we waited, it wasn't going to change how I felt. So right there at the picnic table, Ben, with his hands folded, and I, with my chin ever so romantically propped up on a bottle of Diet Pepsi, looked at me and said, "Well, I guess there's really only one thing left to say: Brandi, will you marry me?"

BPK: When she said yes, I went into "wow" mode. I couldn't believe what I had just done; I had just asked the woman I loved to spend the rest of her life with me. "Wow" was pretty much the extent of my vocabulary for the next hour. Brandi, on the other hand, was rather casual about it...at first. While I was "wow"ing, for example, she asked me if I wanted the mustard for my hot dog!!! Well, we decided (between "wow's") that it was a little too soon to be making up the wedding plans, so we went putt-putt golfing. After that, we went to the mall...

BKB: We started out going there to look for clothes for Ben, but ended up going to various jewelry stores looking at rings. We looked at three or four stores (he was still "wow"ing, so I had to do all the talking :-)). The last place we went to, we found exactly what we had been looking for, but we wanted to talk it over first. And the more we talked about it, the more we really liked that ring. So we finished the pretzel we were eating, went back, were approved for credit, and took the ring! Then we decided that we should probably drive down to Denver so he could ask my Dad. That's when I started "wow"ing, and Ben kinda calmed down. So we got to my parents' house (my Mom was in Indiana at the time with my sister and new baby), and my Dad was watching the Rocking game on TV (as usual). We finally got him to mute the television long enough for Ben to ask him if he could marry me. He said it seemed a little quick, but he liked Ben, and he didn't see any reason not to give us his blessing. At this point, the ring was still in the box, so we left their house and went to Clement Park—the park behind Columbine High School. We couldn't think of a better place to "officially" get engaged, since that was where our relationship began to change. Walking up that hill and looking at the school was still pretty difficult for me. For a few minutes, I just stood there looking at the back side of the school—the library windows still boarded up—pondering the irony of how something so precious could have grown from something so incredibly tragic. Then we walked a little further down the hill to get away from the other five people who were about to share a moment with us :-)

BPK: I knelt in front of Brandi and put the ring on her finger, then kissed her hand. We held each other for a little while, just absorbing the meaning of the moment. Then we walked (actually, floated) down the hill and back to the truck. I remember little of what was said on the way; at that point, I think both of us were stuck in "wow mode." But I do remember telling her, "I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you." When that REALLY hits you, knowing that you'll be living the rest of your life with a person, you don't really feel like more has to be said.

And that was the end of that email. This December will be our 8 year anniversary. That's really hard to fathom. We're probably going through the most difficult time of our relationship right now (with getting rid of debt and our living situation and infertility issues), but any time the enemy causes me to question whether or not I did the right thing by marrying Ben, the Holy Spirit takes me back to that moment in time when I first saw Ben with his hair cut, and I know that it was God orchestrating the beginning of a relationship He intended from the beginning of time.

This Is SOOOO Me!

2007-06-21T20:05:00.000-06:00

It drives my parents crazy. But hey, it keeps me sane. That and the audio books on my iPod.

And this was REALLY what Ben and I did on our first date (which was about two weeks before we got engaged).

I'm sitting in the bathroom right now while Ben gives Adri her tubby. "Tubby" is what my oldest two nieces used to call a bath, and when Risa was here and was the designated giver o' the bath, that's what we started calling it. Now when I ask her if she wants to take a tubby, she RUNS down the hallway SCREAMING and starts trying to open the bathroom door. I love my daughter. She truly is the light of my life right now. I love waking up in the morning to a little tap on my shoulder and trying to whisper, "Mommy". Then she climbs into bed with me and we sleep until Daddy comes in to say goodbye and leaves for work. I laugh every time she holds my cell phone against her shoulder with her head while she's talking. And how she stands up and gives me a hug after I change her diaper as if to say, "thank you SO much, Mom, for getting that off my butt!" And I can't believe how smart she is! She LOVES to sign. Her newest one is "I love you". She makes the number four with her fingers (you know, like when you're counting...) and thrusts her little hand out as far as she possibly can. What amazes me is that a lot of times, SHE initiates it! She'll get on her little Tigger airplane, wave goodbye and tell me she loves me and then she'll speed off down the hallway with propellers spinning. She's growing up so fast. And while I'm glad she is and I'm looking forward to watching her grow and learn, I'm sad that things will change. I never thought I could love someone so much.

Do Rice Crispy Treats Count as Breakfast Cereal?

2007-06-19T08:55:00.000-06:00

They were made with peanut butter...that HAS to count for something. Of course the chocolate on top might cancel any nutritional value it MIGHT have had.

While I was eating my breakfast of peanut butter & chocolate rice crispy treats, I stumbled upon this site and was LMAO!!!

The US government has a website, http://www.ready.gov. It's another attempt at scare mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII.

The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations below. Enjoy!

If you have
set yourself on fire, do not run.

If you spot
terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin
Diesel, yell really loud.

If you spot a
terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

If you are
sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it
instead of seeing a doctor.

Use your
flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

To eliminate
smallpox, wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless
hand under a faucet with no sink.

Michael
Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal
with scary eyes, run away now.

People,
animal corpses and the bio hazard symbol are all at risk of
being sucked into the time-tunnel vortex.

Be on the
lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they
tend to rub their hands together manically.

If a door is
closed, karate chop it open.

If your
building collapses, climb under your table and practice yoga
postures.

Try to absorb
as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region.
The current world record is 5 minutes, 12 seconds.

After
exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you
may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

If you've
become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand,
remember to close the window. No one wants to see that.

If you hear
the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio,
cower in the corner or run like hell.

Your
respiratory and digestive systems are optional. Cast them
aside if you feel you no longer need them.

If you are
trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not
farting.

Survive a
biohazard attack by first standing, then begging on your
knees, then rolling over and playing dead.

Do not drive
a station wagon if a utility pole is protruding from the
hood.

A one-inch
thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection
against radiation.

No
pyromaniacs admitted.

A quick
family snapshot in front of the latest scene of a terrorist
attack may became a treasured family keepsake that will
preserve precious memories for years to come.

That closet
door in your bedroom leads to the gates of Hell. Don't go
there.

The middle of
a terrorist attack is not an appropriate time to catch up on
your reading or paperwork.

If you see
colors in the sky, grasp your throat and pretend to choke
yourself. Girls go for that.

If your
intended destination is suddenly vaporized, consider pulling
over and watching the cool light show.

If the
weather is overcast with dark skies, look for worms in the
grass.

After all
life is gone, modern appliances will continue to run
forever. Think about it.

Your
telephone may be a practicing physician. Look for a phone
with no numbers on it.

"Wash
your hands" of traditional long distance telephone
providers.

Only the
coolest irradiated citizens will be allowed into the
'underground' rave in the shelter.

In case of
emergency, the parking brake may be used as an adult novelty
item.

In time of
war, real Americans eat red meat only! No wimpy fish or
poultry, please.

There is a
reason you failed chemistry.

Watch out for
people who come out of white tents and try to steal the
shirt off your back.

If you are
trapped with no hope of being found, amuse yourself in your
final moments with shadow puppets.

Radioactive
materials come in 4 convenient sizes:

   - individual dose

   - family value size

   - neighborhood spray pump size

   - supersize!

Satellite
photos of Texas show the large embarrassing radioactive crop
circle in Southeast Texas.

When the
looting begins remember to consider the weight/value ratio.
Here we have a few examples of high value, low effort.

This Is Ridiculous!!!

2007-06-15T07:38:00.000-06:00

Scantily clad women in public is one of my biggest pet peeves, but,I can't believe that I'm even hearing this story. I think if I had been there and within ear-shot, I would have come to her defense. No, I KNOW I would have come to her defense! I wasn't ever able to breastfeed Adriana (though I pumped until my nipples practically fell off and still only got 2 ounces a day), but if I had been able to and I were in the same situation this woman was in, I would have done the same thing she did. [putting on hippie clothes and getting ready for a nurse-in] POWER TO THE BOOB!!!

Back In the Saddle Again

2007-06-12T15:38:00.000-06:00

Well, for the most part. I didn't WANT to miscarry, but I'm very thankful that if it was going to happen, that it happened early on. At 7 weeks, there really wasn't much to "attach" to yet. God's grace has been SO amazing. And I've been learning how pointless it is to worry about things. If something is going to happen, it's GOING to happen whether you worry about it or not. And why worry about how you're going to get through it if it does? As Mrs. Herron told us in Women of the Bible, "God will give you the grace to endure, but not to worry."

The last couple of days have been crazy! We ended up taking Adri into the After Hours clinic on Sunday because she was having trouble breathing. Her blood oxygen levels, which aren't supposed to be less than 94 were at 83 and dropping!! We spent about four hours in the office doing breathing treatments with a nebulizer and of all things prednisone!!! The doc said that if she couldn't go at least two hours between treatments without her oxygen levels dropping, that we'd be sent to Children's Hospital for the night. After everything else, the LAST thing we needed was for her to be admitted to Children's!!!!!! But praise the Lord, her levels went up to about 92 and stayed there for more than an hour, so they agreed to send us home with just meds and instructions to give her a breathing treatment every three hours. That's every three hours THROUGH THE NIGHT!! I honestly don't know how I made it through the first three months of her life, because that one night was absolute HELL! Then on top of that, I had the bright idea to take the feather mattress off of our bed, thinking that sleeping just on the memory foam would be more comfortable. Not so. Our bedroom is pretty warm right now, but taking that feather bed off made it 10 times worse! I was roasting!!!!!!!! Poor Ben just finally got up and played games for a while, thinking that it was just him. So at 3am, we stripped the bed and put the feather mattress back on and slept just fine (except for the stupid alarm going off every three hours. It was definitely a princess and the pea experience. We had a follow up visit with her regular pediatrician today, and she said her lungs sound great, but we'll need to keep an eye on her in the future for signs of chronic asthma--oh joy. The bad news is that she'll need to finish her five days of prednisone. Unfortunately prednisone tends to hype her up and make her a 22lb terrorist! Guess I'll be needing a little more of that amazing grace....

Please Stay Seated Until the Ride Has Come to a Complete Stop.

2007-06-07T19:57:00.000-06:00

Well, the roller coaster is over. We found out at my OB appointment this afternoon that the baby is completely gone--as in no trace that it was even there. We're not sure exactly how it happened, because between my last ultrasound and this one today, I didn't lose any tissue....or anything else. The doctor was kind of dumbfounded--especially because I never had any cramping or anything to go with it. And it's not like it was a chemical pregnancy--we ALL saw the baby on the ultrasound screen--heartbeat and all.

Ben and I have decided to name the baby Elijah Joseph. We chose this name for a couple of reasons. First of all, Ben (and a couple of other people) felt from the beginning that this baby was a boy. The other reason is the way the baby was there one day and gone the next, without my passing anything, and the doctor said he couldn't have been absorbed. You might think it crazy, but Ben and I believe that God just took the baby--just like He did Elijah in 2 Kings (but without the flaming chariot...we DO still have a LITTLE of our sense of humor). The doctor didn't have any other explination for it, and neither do we.

His middle name comes from the Old Testament account of Rachel in Genesis 30. Rachel, for whatever reason, was infertile--a very difficult burden to bear in those days (in these days too...). Anyway, God finally allowed her to get pregnant, and she gave birth to a baby boy.

23 She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, "God has taken away my disgrace." 24 She named him Joseph, [God will increase] and said, "May the LORD add to me another son."

God promised children to us a few years ago. Our prayer is that of Rachel's--that God would add to us another son or daughter.

Ben and I are at peace knowing that because of God's grace, he is in heaven with all those gone before him, waiting for the day he'll get to meet his family face to face. We will still wonder why, but we know that God is soverign and that this is for His glory and our good. And in HIS time (not mine), we will try again, most likely with Clomid this time (a fertility drug). I don't think my eggs can do the job without a little help.

The Waiting Game....

2007-06-05T20:57:00.000-06:00

I have a day and a half left before my OB appointment. I hate waiting. If God asked me, I'd do just about ANYTHING else but wait. And the spiritual warfare right now is VERY draining. So in the mean time, I thought I'd post this picture. We got her some letters and numbers for the bathtub. They're pretty cool—they stick to the wall. We got them to help her start learning her colors. Ben says that Adriana did it all by herself. I have a sneaking suspicion that she had a little help. Daddy is a known UNIX master.

I've Been Tagged!!

2007-05-23T16:57:00.000-06:00

At least I don't have to run like I do in a real game of tag....

The Rules:
After posting these rules, each player proceeds to list 8 relatively random facts/habits about himself/herself. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, leaving them a comment on their blogs to let them know.

1. I HAVE to eat things in even numbers—especially with things like M&M's.

2. I jumped out of a helicopter (assisted) when I was seven years old.

3. I am DEATHLY afraid of spiders. The bigger they are, the more I cry. I had to kill a small wolf spider a few weeks ago. I was convinced that it was going to jump on me, and I was in tears for twenty minutes!!

4. I've been to Europe three times since I was 18—once in December 1993 I went to Germany on a college missions trip; then with my husband and his family in May 2001 to Germany, the Netherlands, and Belgium; and then to England and Scottland in October 2006 with my 9 month old daughter to visit one of my best friends from college. I can't wait to go again!!!!!!

5. I always eat my macaroni and cheese with harvard (pickled) beets, and I always put ketchup on my mac and cheese.

6. I'm not a phone talker. I just can't do it—even with good friends. Don't know when it started.

7. I have panic attacks when I go into a traditional church. That's the biggest reason we go to a house church now.

8. I'm a LOT more on the charismatic side than most people would think.

All the blogs I read have already been tagged, so I'll just be tagging friends by email ;-)

A Few of My Favorite Pictures

2007-05-16T18:51:00.000-06:00

I just uploaded my digital camera into iPhoto for the first time since before Easter. So I thought I'd just post a few of my favorites of Adriana. Most of them were taken at our family Mother's Day/birthday get together last week.

Adriana with her Easter basket. My sister got it for her from Walgreens. You press a button on its paw and it wags its tail and says, "Somebunny Loves Me!"

The only candy we got her was Peeps. She wasn't really sure what she thought of the marshmallo...

She takes after her mother.... That cup USED to be filled with 54oz of pure, unadulterated Diet Pepsi [drool]

Risa and Adri having fun. Ben's in the background...not sure what he's doing.

Adriana lounging in the gazebo. She thinks she's pretty smart getting up there like that.

Adri LOVES to play in the grass. I originally put her in the little red, white and blue dress, but she kept falling down and bleeding, so I had to put on jeans. Then we realized that her toes were bleeding too, so I sent my 12 year old niece, Emily, inside to find her a pair of shoes. She came out with fur lined leather slippers. Not exactly what I was looking for, but it did the job.

Adriana running from her cousin Lizzy.

Evidently my daughter likes corn. RAW corn.... [shrug]

The Rules of a Toddler

2007-05-16T15:36:00.000-06:00

Oh, so THIS is why I was going crazy. I wasn't following the rules!!!!

If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be removed.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back.
If it is Mommy, it must be hugged.

Hmph....

2007-05-14T19:18:00.000-06:00

Did you know that hard boiled egg yolks disintigrate into powder when you try to finish them in the microwave? Uh....yeah...that's what they do. Sometimes I think I'm one of those people meant to serve as a warning to others.

An Honest Mistake....

2007-05-04T18:34:00.000-06:00

I just had to post this joke....

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when 2 people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling".

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called "Bunk Beds". And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you."

Yummy Breakfast!

2007-05-02T09:15:00.000-06:00

I just made the most wonderful breakfast burrito!! It really was nothing different than a typical burrito--eggs, sausage & cheese rolled up in a tortilla. The difference was that I used MorningStar Farms Veggie Sausage Patties. OMG(osh) they are SO yummy!!!!!!! No grease, no icky gristly pieces to spit out, and they really don't taste all that "veggie" really. I had two patties, but if you cut it down to one, it cuts the calories down from 422 to 342, and it still filling! Not a bad start to the day. Lunch will probably be my spicy black bean burgers.

Yes, I've crawled back onto the diet/way of life wagon. To help me to this, I'm trying out www.sparkpeople.com. It's a lot like DietWatch.com that I used to belong to. And funny thing, I JUST now realized that my friend Felicia made a comment on that entry and suggested this same site!! Silly me....

There is one point that I'm really struggling with. My mother, of course. It hit me this morning when my mom said, "Wow! With all this weight I've lost I'll bet I'm in a 16/18 now!!" My mind immediately took me back to the summer of 1991. My mom and I were standing in the middle of Montgomery Wards looking for school clothes. I had worked so hard ALL summer to lose some weight before my senior year. I wasn't losing pounds, but I must have been losing inches, because I tried on a jacket that was a size large. Not a 1x or a 2x, but your average size "large", and it fit! I was SO excited!!! I said very quietly, but excitedly, "Mom! Isn't this great! I don't have to wear my fat-clothes anymore!!" I was met with nothing more than silence and an icy glare. I immediately apologized and told her that I didn't mean to offend her. I was just excited that I was finally in a normal size after all these years. She just walked away from me. I've never been in a size large again. That's not her fault...it's mine. Then the PCOS kicked in while I was in college and that just set me back even farther. But I've always had a deep sense of guilt whenever I managed to meet my weightloss goals and she didn't. I'm working on getting over that, because I know it will be a stumbling block until I do.

Just A Warning

2007-04-27T11:28:00.000-06:00

Yeah, ummm...so if you've got people in your house (or living in someone else's house as is our case) and you're doing the baby dance, MAKES SURE THE BABY MONITOR IS TURNED OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oy vey....I need my own house.

These Are So Cool!!!

2007-04-26T08:55:00.000-06:00

I was playing on my MacBook this morning once again while I should have been doing something productive (like showering or doing laundry...) and I found this website—www.trendytadpole.com. I LOVE THESE SHIRTS! I'm not sure which one is my absolute favorite, so thought I'd post a couple of them.

This one is probably the one I like most. It's very simple—tres chic

These two designs are on separate shirts, but they're by the same designer. I think they'd look super cute together.

Do they have this in MY size????

This one probably made me laugh the most. I wasn't allowed to experience most of the 80's. Not really sure I would have been much of an AC/DC fan anyway. I think if I had a boy, I'd definitely get this one!

The other thing that I really like about this place is that they accept PayPal! I love PayPal. PayPal is my...well, I guess my pal

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

2007-04-24T19:25:00.000-06:00

Thanks to all who posted comments to my last post. I have such amazing friends! The line that really hit me between the eyes was when my friend Felicia said, "Don't punish Ben for another man's sins." I realized at that moment that's exactly what I've been doing. My poor husband!!!! I've prayed a lot in the last few days about what I need to do. I think it's going to take a while to figure out exactly how I need to move forward. But for now, I'm moving forward, and leaving him behind me. So in celebration, I want to share with everyone just how blessed I am.

My husband, Benjamin, is an amazing man. He has his own baggage just like the rest of us, but Adriana and I are always in the forefront of his mind. He has shown me nothing but unconditional love when what I really deserve is to be smacked upside the head! He works his butt off so that I am able to stay home with Adriana—not to mention to pay off all the debt we got into while he was in school (which is a huge undertaking...). He's a wonderful husband and an amazing father! I couldn't ask for anything better.

My daughter, Adriana, is truly a gift from God. If you've never read our birth story, take a quick jaunt over there. I personally think it's quite amazing. While I was in the hospital, the night before we went home, I was just sitting there next to her bassinet weeping (partly because of hormones and lack of sleep) because I was so elated that she was finally here—a life-long dream in the flesh! And I believe that God spoke to me at that moment (call it what you want—I believe it was a prophetic word) and said, "Because of the tears of a mother for her child, many will be saved." She's a blessing to everyone who comes in contact with her. She has a smile for everyone she sees, and she loves without reserve. I'm telling you, this girl is going to change the world.

We have clothes and shoes, a roof over our heads, and food in our stomachs, and a job to pay the bills with a little money left over to save. I have an amazing house church family who continually encourage my walk with God. And I have God—not just a religion, but a relationship—a two way relationship. He really has given me so much. Much more than I deserve. Enough to help me keep walking until old wounds can heal over.

Blessed by Martina McBride

I get kissed by the sun each morning
Put my feet on a hardwood floor
I get to hear my children laughing
Down the hall through the bedroom door
Sometimes I sit on my front porch swing
Just soaking up the day
I think to myself, I think to myself
This world is a beautiful place

I have been blessed
And I feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed

Across a crowded room
I know you know what I'm thinking
By the way I look at you
And when we're lying in the quiet
And no words have to be said
I think to myself, I think to myself
This love is a beautiful gift

I have been blessed
And I feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed

When I'm singing my kids to sleep
When I feel you holding me
I know

I have been blessed
And I feel like I've found my way
I thank God for all I've been given
At the end of every day
I have been blessed
With so much more than I deserve
To be here with the ones that love me
To love them so much it hurts
I have been blessed

Whoever thought you could praise God with a country song? *wink*

In a Tizzy....

2007-04-20T10:02:00.000-06:00

I don't know what exactly a "tizzy" is, but if it means anything like being kicked in the stomach and having your insides ripped out your throat and thrown in my lap and left to put everything back together by myself, then that's the word to describe how I feel right now.

Somehow I got sucked into the "MySpace" phenomenon. And just like anyone else would, I was searching for old high school buddies. Well, long story short. I stumbled upon a picture of my first boyfriend. For those of you who don't know the story, here's a quick recap:

I was 14, he was 18. I think we went out for a total of six weeks between Thanksgiving and the beginning of the year. He decided for whatever reason, he wanted to have sex with me. I was 14. The ONLY thing I knew about sex was from the 12 page book my mother had given me for my birthday the year before. And believe me, it wasn't much of anything. He committed the equivalent of sexual assault (though it was closer to attempted rape). By God's grace, my mother came home from work. By the Enemy's hand, her first and only question was, "What did you do to make him think he was free to do that?" Nothing more. That threw the relationship in the toilet. What broke it up was that my close friend Denise (16) showed up at school one day with his class ring around her neck. She told me that he asked her to hold it for him during a swim meet the day before. Tim and Denise are married now with two children. And as far as I can tell, they live around the corner from where Ben and I live.

Here's where the tizzy comes in. They're happy. He has a killer job, she's a mom of two kids, took the family on a cruise last summer. It's been 18 years...they probably don't even remember me. I, on the other hand, have a wonderful husband with a great job, and a little angel of a daughter. And I cringe every time my husband even looks like he's going to touch me. It's not his fault. I've lived every day of my life with the shame of what he did to me...or what I allowed him to do because I was too scared and confused to push him away.

How is this fair? I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God does not allow things into our lives that He cannot use for our good and His glory. Except this. This is the one thing in my life where I've spend almost half of my life trying to figure out why it happened and what good can come of it. I can even find good in my abused and forgotten childhood. But not this. I don't want much. Just a good marriage and a family to take care of. I have them both. I have my dream of dreams. Only when things are supposed to be the most magical, at times it turns into a nightmare. How can my marriage (and ME!!!) thrive in that?

Oh Dear....

2007-04-18T20:19:00.000-06:00

This is wrong...on SOOOOOOO many levels.

I debated with myself as to whether or not I should blog this. And I just couldn't keep it to myself. What's even funnier are people's comments at the bottom! This one was my favorite...

Man. This is hil-hairy-a$$. Yo Quero Taco Bell my Aunt Mary. Yo Quero HotDiggidyDoll!

I LOVE THIS THING!!!!!

2007-04-06T20:42:00.000-06:00

I hate restaurant high chairs. EVERY time we put Adri in one, I feel like we have to disinfect her after we take her out! Most of the time the chair itself is fairly clean (i.e. no huge chunks of food), but the straps...oh the straps...those are DE_SCUST_ING!!!! So I was out shopping the other day and I saw this at Babies'RUs. It's the Chicco Caddy Portable Hook-On High Chair. Very simple to use and VERY sturdy. It is AMAZING!!!!

Adri enjoying her ick-free meal at Red Robin for Daddy's birthday

The picture is a little off because the lens on my cell phone is dirty. You can also catch a glimps of my newest invention—a sippy-cup lanyard! They make lanyards for pacifiers so kiddos can't toss them on the ground. Well, Adri loves doing the same thing with her cup. So I covered some elastic with some material (like a hair scunci). Then I sewed a loop on the end of a wide ribbon and then sewed the ribbon into the elastic band, and voila! A sippy-cup lanyard! She can toss it off the table all she wants, and it won't hit the floor!

Conversations With God

2007-04-05T20:51:00.000-06:00

God speaks to me on a pretty regular basis. No, I mean He really talks to me. I don't hear audible voices, but I might as well. It's that clear. And I know it's not just my own thoughts, because I would never come up on my own with the things He says. I remember the first time I heard him. It was 5am and I was driving down Mark Dabling on my way to work at NavPress. Vivian was off work that day, so I went in early to turn on the phones. I was listening to "Awesome God" sung by Michael W. Smith on the radio. I was, as usual, singing at the top of my lungs, and all of a sudden, I hear (in my head),

GOD: "Do you really believe that?"

Brandi: I was stunned. "Are you talking to me?"

GOD: "Uh, yeah. You're the only one here." (see, God DOES have a sense of humor *grin*) "Do you REALLY believe that I'm that awesome?"

Brandi: "Well, of course I do..." (sheepishly) "at least I think I do...don't I?"

GOD: (gently) "If I'm so awesome, then why can't you trust me?"

At the time, we were in the deep of infertility pain, and I was really struggling with believing the promises He had given to me. He never accused me, never "hit me" over the head...He just asked me a question.

I had another conversation with Him last week. I was on my way to my sister's house to pick up my BIL and my two nieces to take them to pick up his car from the body shop. I turned off of our street and almsot immediately this red, sporty little Miata was climbing up my tail pipe. Normally I'd try to go a little faster until he can get around me. But it was a time of day where kids were coming out to wait for busses and walking to school, and I don't take any chances with that. I was doing 25mph, and he was peeking around the side (of a two lane road) and speeding up and slowing down—very obviously annoyed wtih me. He followed me doing this for about a mile. Then we both turned (onto another two lane road) and I sped up to 40 (no kids around and the speed limit was 35). Well, that wasn't good enough for him. He passed me going about 50mph on a two lane road with oncoming traffic!!! I was insensed!! I called him every name in the book I could think to call him and THEN some!!! That's when the conversation began.

Brandi: "I hope there's a cop down there! God, why is there NEVER a cop down there to catch these people!!!"

GOD: "Don't worry about him."

Brandi: "But do you SEE what he's doing???? He's going to kill someone!"

GOD: "Don't worry about him."

Brandi: "I just want to SEE it happen. Why can't I ever SEE it happen?"

GOD: "Why does it matter?"

Brandi: "Well, I'd just feel much better if I could see him get in trouble for what he did."

GOD: "So am I any less just if you don't SEE it?"

Brandi: *silence* "No, I guess not. I'm sorry...."

GOD: "It's okay. You worry about you, because you'll be accountable for YOU, not him."

A couple more blocks went by and I passed a church on the right. The church marquee boldly stated, "Healing Service tonight at 7 o'clock"

Brandi: "Yeah...right."

GOD: "Why do you say that?? Haven't you experienced My healing before?"

Brandi: "Well, yeah, but...I don't know. I've been taught for so long that those gifts are dead...."

GOD: "Haven't I shown you your own gift of prophecy?"

Brandi: "Definitely! I don't know...there are just so many frauds out there..."

GOD: "The other day, didn't your Mom have problems with the DVD player?"

Brandi: "Yeah."

GOD: "But it still works, right?"

Brandi: "Yeah, she just doesn't know how to use it. She's never been terribly technical."

GOD: "And just because they don't use my gifts right doesn't mean that the gift doesn't work."

I love my conversations with God.

I'm Going CRAZY!!!

2007-03-23T09:30:00.000-06:00

Excuse me while I vent...

I am SO tired of...of...my life right now! I'm tired of living with my parents. Have you ever tried to stay one step ahead of someone chronically unpredictable??? I'm telling you—it's enough to make a woman OD on her prozac! I stopped counting how many times my Mom has commented that I need to do something with the toys in the living room. And it always comes out as something like, "I'm SO sick of living in this mess. I guess I'm just going to end up throwing my stuff out to make room for all the people I've got living here." Okay. I have three responses to that.

Uh, hello??? YOU INVITED US TO LIVE HERE!!!!!!!!!

Do you think I ENJOY living like this? At this point you have more space than I do. I don't have anyplace else for her toys to go. We have NO more spacd in our 10x10 room, and you get mad if I put anything in the room where Adri used to sleep. If you haven't noticed lately, we're remodeling the basement so we can get out of your space. I can't take her down to play in a construction area, nor can I store her toys down there. Trust me, I don't want to be here right now anymore than you do. And I won't take second longer than is necessary for us to get out of the mess that we're in.

I spent so long venting on the second one, I've forgotten my last one. But rest assured, I would have said it with great gusto!

I just have to keep reminding myself that things will be better once the basement is finished. We will have our own living room, television, bathroom, and most importantly, a bedroom bigger than 10x10!!!!!! I still miss having my own kitchen. Cooking is one of my passions, and I usually don't get the opportunity to that any more.

So if you need me, I'll be curled up in the fetal position. "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful. I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful....."

Is This Bad?

2007-03-22T08:54:00.000-06:00

Will I get my Mommy License revoked if I openly admit that I think John Tartaglia of Playhouse Disney's Johnny and the Sprites is a hottie?

Maybe it's because of my background in theater...or the number of theater romances I had (okay, so most of them were in my head), but I think he's a cutie. Oy...my poor husband.

On a less lusty note....

My friend Felicia has inspired me to try getting my protein in ways other than meat. I'm also getting REEEEEAAAAALLLY tired of eating my mother's various combinations of ground beef, rice, kielbasa, and canned chili. Every once in a while she'll throw in a can of spam or canned salmon...and then fries it in an inch of oil. Anyway, one of my all-time favorite recipes is Southwestern Quinoa Salad (forgive the strange look of the website. I'm still working on it). I changed it around a little today and just added salsa to the quinoa, black beans and corn. Then I cut up a veggie burger into little chunks, mixed it all together, slapped it in a taco shell, and voila! A veggie taco! I don't know that I'd serve it to dinner guests, but it was a decent invention. What's funny is that Adriana LOVED it!!!! She ended up eating about an 1/8 of a cup of it—not bad for a child who's been throwing up constantly since Saturday. I'm still working on my tofu skills. They have a lot to be desired.

We Just THOUGHT It Was All Over...

2007-03-21T09:41:00.000-06:00

I've now been inducted into the Mother's Hall of Fame. My daughter puked AAAAAAALLLLLL over the table and floor at McDonald's yesterday—not just once, but twice! I'm just glad the lunch rush was over. Let me rewind...

Adri started throwing up about 2am Saturday and didn't stop until Sunday evening. Then had TERRIBLE diarrhea all day Monday, but was pretty much back to her old self. Yesterday she started eating a little bit and had been without a fever or diarrhea for 24 hours. So Mom and I thought it would be okay to go do our grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. We got there at 10:30 and then made a little bed for Adri in the cart at about 11:30 (grocery shopping for us is usually an all day affair). I thought she was looking a little flushed, but didn't really think anything of it. She slept for about an hour and a half (her typical nap length) while Mom and I finished up our shopping. When she finally woke up, her little face was BEET red and she was feverish again. While we checked out, she just kinda lounged in the cart, but seemed to be okay other than the fever. By that time, Mom and I both needed lunch, so we drove everything over to McDonalds and grabbed a quick bite. After I finished my lunch, I realized that I forgot to get her juice, so I headed back into the store to get that. When I got back, Adri was draped over Mom's shoulder and didn't look too good. Just as Mom and I were getting stuff ready to head out to the car, she launched everything she had eaten all over the table, the floor, as well as Mom and me. The employees working at McDonalds were very sympathetic, but I think they were scared to help. We finally managed to get everything cleaned up and Adri changed into the pajamas that we had gotten for her and headed out to the car. Since we were already on that end of town, I just decided to take her over to her doctor's office to see if we could get her in. Now I'm not a hysterical mother by any means. I think it's a disservice to take your child in for medication for EVERY sniffle and sneeze. But after two days of fever and puking, two days of diarrhea, and four days of not eating anything and not sure if she was getting enough liquids to stay hydrated, I decided to go ahead and take her in. So I get to our Kaiser office and head over to the peds counter to talk to the receptionist. I told her that we didn't have an appointment, but that she had been throwing up and had a fever since 2am Saturday... While I still had my mouth open, the lady interrupted me and said, "Well why did you wait til the last minute to bring her in???" I just stopped and glared at her and said through my teeth, "She stopped and was feeling better for a couple of days, but she's started all over again, and I'm worried that it's more than just a bug." She threw some paperwork at me to fill out. I filled it out and threw it back at her. They couldn't get me in until 5pm, so we just stayed there. It's about 45 minutes in heavy traffic back home, so it wasn't worth it to go home and come back. When we finally got in to see the doctor, he saw that she obviously didn't feel good (she had fallen asleep on my lap in the waiting room) and he said it was probably a good idea that I brought her in just to be sure. Take that you stupid receptionist.... He said he's pretty sure she just has a virus, but wants me to keep an eye on her over the next few days to make sure she doesn't keep going backward. She still won't eat (which is fine...I'm really tired of cleaning up puke), but she's at least keeping down her juice/water mixture, and she's getting at least a few calories from the juice.

Well, Adri is down for her nap, so I'll have to get up off my fanny and get downstairs to work. I have to paint an anti-mold something-or-other on the concrete walls so that we can get the new wall framed, and insulation and drywall up this coming weekend. I'm enjoying the process, but I'll be glad when it's all over.

The Wearing O' The Green--From the Inside Out

2007-03-18T19:18:00.001-06:00

I was ushered into my day at 2am when Adriana, so adorably tucked in bed next to me tossed her cookies all over her chest and my arm. Poor little thing didn't even wake up! She's spent pretty much then entire day wearing nothing but a diaper, sitting on my Mom's lap either sleeping or watching cartoons. Poor little thing. I feel so bad when she is sick like this. She just lays there trying so hard to be her normal self, but just doesn't have the energy to. She finally stopped throwing up about four o'clock yesterday. I'm trying to keep her hydrated with apple juice and white grape juice and water, and the only thing she's had to eat today (other than a couple of crackers) was a half of a Chicken McNugget and about six french fries. She's still sleeping a lot too. It's almost like she's got narcolepsy or something! She'll be playing in the floor with her toys, and I'll look down a few minutes later and she's laid her head on her hippo and is asleep!! It looks like she's starting to feel normal again. She's back to throwing things down the stairs ;-)

A New Look for Flakes

2007-03-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

Well, my back is sore, my fingers are blistered, my eyes are bugging out from staring at the computer screen, and I'm pretty sure my daughter will need counseling for abandonment issues later in life, but the Flaks of Bran redesign is complete!! I've been wanting to do something of my own for some time now, but there just hasn't been time. I've been playing with it while Adri is napping, but for some reason I just snapped and have been working on it all day. Yes, I know CSS is supposed to be SO much faster to design and build, but I know as much about CSS as I do medicine—just enough to be dangerous. You'll notice that the layout is the same; it's just the color and graphics that are different. That's because the only thing I know how to do is change those things. I haven't had time to figure out how to move them around. I guess I got out of the web design business just as it was getting really cool! I'm pretty proud of the title graphic—I made that one myself!

Okay...it's late and I desperately need some sleep. Hope you enjoy the new look. Hopefully the other pages will get an overhaul sometime soon.

It's Brandi Kuiper: Labor Doula!

2007-03-06T18:09:00.000-07:00

Sounds like something I need a cape for, eh?

Okay, so not quite yet. Actually I haven't even started, but I found some great resources for when I have the money to start. Ever since I had Adriana, I've a bee in my bonnet to become a doula. I honestly believe that with the complications I had PLUS trying to go au natural on the drug front, I would have ended up in a c-section if Desiree hadn't been there.

Desiree holding Adriana a few minutes after she was born.

At 32 weeks I was diagnosed with a severe case of Pre-eclampsia (aka toxemia and pregnancy induced hypertension). I had been following Dr. Brewer's high protein diet (he passed away a month before I gave birth and his website is no longer up). Both Desiree and our birth class instructor, Stacy, said that they're sure that my toxemia would have been much worse much faster if I had not been eating 150g to 200g of protein per day. I was getting REALLY tired of eating eggs. Anyway, with what I had, most doctors would have just said, "I'm going to section you—don't even bother trying to talk me out of it." My doctor knew that we wanted to have as natural a childbirth as possible, and he knew that we had a doula, so he agreed to be as hands-off as much as possible and still keep everyone safe.

Aside from being an encouragement in labor, she was also a spiritual encouragement. After a scary evening of cervical ripening (I feel like I was persuaded with a heavy hand to allow a controversial drug for ripening, and then was bullied by the nurses and doc-on-call into using more than was established in the hospital's safety protocol and DEFINITELY more than I was comfortable using...but I digress), Desiree came into my room and announced to Ben and Bridget (my sister) and I that she believed that God had given her a dream in the night. She dreamed that after a peaceful labor, the baby just popped out and into her arms—no time to call the doctor or my nurse or anything. I'm a big believer in God speaking to us through dreams (I'm not your typical fundamentalist...I consider myself more of a charismentalist). And when she told us about her dream, we all felt the peace of God come over us and we knew that everything was going to go okay. She prayed with us before they brought the pitocin in, she helped Ben and I make decisions about different interventions we were faced with—she was an amazing support. I think the doc-on-call was intimidated by my sister (she's a VERY intelligent nurse), so I'm pretty sure that's why the doctor stayed out of my room until he LEGALLY had to be there—plus he's very vocal about not liking doulas in the room. He said it makes him look like the "bad guy."

I want to be that kind of support for other women. I want to help them to work with their bodies and not to fight it. Some women, for various reasons, aren't able to have a natural birth and either have to have drugs or a cesarean. I want to be there with them and encourage them—especially if drugs or a section isn't what they were planning. I realize that my birth experience what nigh unto a miracle, but I want to help the women who hire me feel as good about the birth of their child as I felt about mine no matter how it goes.

Now...to raise $450 dollars for my training..... ;-)

The Waiting Game

2007-02-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

TMI Warning: Depending on how long you've known me, you may or may not want to read this one.

Unfortunately it's a game I hate playing. I'd rather go back to Jr High school and play floor hockey in gym class—or even better, do rope climbing in front of everyone!! Once Adriana was six months old, I was ready to start trying for baby number two. Of course, at that point, Ben was still a contract employee with Area 101, and we weren't really sure if he would be hired on full time, so we didn't want to get ourselves into a bad situation. Then in September/October (after he had been hired on permanently) was our oh so lovely round of clomid. But I'm sure because my doctor was screwing around with my thyroid (lowering it when it desperately needed to be raised!), I didn't get pregnant then. In October we moved in with my parents in order to eradicate our debt that we accrued the four years Ben was in college and we were trying to live on my measly customer service income. And then if that's not enough to deal with, I was sitting in the living room the other night sobbing because I was so discouraged with our current situation—outside forces making us wait as well as needing intervention to even GET pregnant. So as I'm spilling my guts, my parents say....

get this....

"Maybe you should just be happy with the one you have."

[crickets chirping]

I'm sorry. Have either one of them been paying ANY attention to my life over the last three years?!?!?!?!?!?!? Do they remember all the doctor appointments and medicines and oh yeah, the TEARS!?!?!?!?!?!? I just don't get it. Then my Dad told me that he didn't think it was a good idea for us to have another child while we're living here. I can understand his point a little bit. We ARE living in their house. But we're moving to the basement in a few months (where there is plenty of room) and will be out of their way long before any child were to come along. I'm also planning on getting a part time job as soon as we get downstairs, so we'd set aside money to pay for labor and delivery as well as formula (since I can't nurse) and diapers. Obviously, Ben and I are fairly responsible adults. We're not going to have a baby if we're not able to provide for it. Do my parents really have the right to speak into our lives in that particular way? Do they really have the right to tell us not to have another child? When we came to them with the idea of moving in with them, they were fine with it. Any time I try to give them grocery money, they turn it down. My brother-in-law says they don't. And it's not like I can get pregnant and say, "oops! we didn't MEAN for it to happen!" We have to have medication and then plan every cotton-pickin' aspect of it! Not that we can get pregnant right now anyway. You have to have sex to get pregnant. And having sex with a toddler in her bed right next to you, your dog at the food of the bed, your parents in the next room with paper-thin walls and a very squeaky bed—well, it's just not going to happen. And since it's not our house, it's not like we can go somewhere else. So if you're a praying person, pray that we (read, "I") get the basement cleaned out (about 50 years of junk) and get the bedroom built soon.

Another Song

2007-02-22T09:28:00.001-07:00

This is another song that God has been using to encourage us. Moving back in with your parents at 32 years old is NOT fun.

MercyMe
Coming Up To Breathe

To everyone who's hurting
To those who've had enough
To all the undeserving
That should cover all of us
Please do not let go
I promise there is hope

Hold fast
Help is on the way
Hold fast
He's come to save the day
What I've learned in my life
One thing greater than my strife
Is His grasp
So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?
Can we stop this ride?
Will we see the sun at last?
Or could this be our lot in life?
Please do not let go
I promise you there's hope

You may think you're all alone
And there's no way that anyone could know
What you're going through
But if you only hear one thing
Just understand that we are all the same
Searching for the truth
The truth of what we're soon to face
Unless someone comes to take our place
Is there anyone?
All we want is to be free
Free from our captivity, Lord

For All You Mac Lovers Out There

2007-02-12T14:58:00.000-07:00

MS Vista - innovation or ripoff

A Fun Website

2007-02-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

I have no idea what it's based on. I don't really care about the metephysical mumbo jumbo, I just thought it was fun :-)

My color is Canyon Sunset

Charismatic
Powerful
Social
PEOPLE ARE naturally drawn to your energy and charisma. Interacting with others stimulates you and makes you feel alive. You are persuasive and can be aggressive if you need to be. You can instigate change and enthusiasm when you are present. Quick on your feet, you are not easy to control or manipulate. Your personal color helps ground your energy so you can carve out your own unique path. Wearing, meditating or surrounding yourself with Canyon Sunset gives you the energy to move around obstacles or challenges.

Finally At Home

2007-02-04T09:36:00.000-07:00

Not physically, but spiritually. After many disappointing attempts, we were FINALLY able to attend house church yesterday. Talk about a sigh of relief!! It's clear out in the Parker/South Aurora area (about 30 to 40 minutes), but it is SO worth the drive. I wasn't quite sure what I was going to think about it when we first walked in, but after the adults all sat down and started talking, I settled in just fine. I felt really bad, because Ben hardly talked at all. But I told everyone that staying home with Adri, I don't get my 15,000 words out every day (unless you count "no no Adri" over and over...and over). While we at dinner, we sat around the kitchen table and talked about what it means to be "The Church" (i.e. the body of Christ) and how we're supposed to flesh that out with one another and with others outside our immediate circle. Then the kids (about 8 of them) all came downstairs and sat down to watch Narnia and the adults went into the living room and just sat there for a while, each individually spending time with God, reading and listening to what He was saying to us. Then after a while we started talking about what we felt the Holy Spirit had been showing us. Then we looked at everything to see if we could find some unifying "theme/s" with what we all had been talking with God about. One of the biggest things that came out was using our lips to Praise God&emdash;especially in the hard times. I had never really understood what a "sacrifice of praise" was. It's not like praise is a hard thing to do. Especially when it comes to singing. Even with the problems that I've had with my voice since being pregnant, I almost ALWAYS have a praise song on my lips. But lately with all the stress of moving and living with my parents and trying to work through all the financial lessons I've been learning, and learning to sacrifice myself to give to my daughter, I've noticed that I haven't been praising as much. It's almost like I have to force myself to do it&emdashlike a sacrifice. It's hard. I don't feel like thanking God for the situation we're in. I don't like it. I don't want it. I want my own home and my own space. I don't want to be on a restrictive budget. But you know what? I can praise God that I have a roof over my head and parents who are willing to help us despite my stupidity with our finances. I can praise Him that Ben has a full time job with good benefits and room to grow. I can praise Him that we didn't have to file bankruptcy and completely ruin any chance we had of getting our own home in the near future (we're not THAT far in debt, but it sure feels like it). I can praise Him that I finally have a doctor who took the time to listen to me about my PCOS and actually diagnose me and treat me for it! He DOES love us, and He IS staking care of us. Casting Crowns has a song called "Praise You in This Storm" from their lastest CD that has really become my theme song of late.

Praise You In This Storm

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as You mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will life my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

We're DONE!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-02-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

But it wasn't without its problems. Sunday morning after my last post, Michael came over and we all went downtown to pick up my brother. We stopped and I bought everyone lunch and we were having a grand old time talking on the way to get the truck. We were even talking about starting a new show--"Pimp My Walker"(because my Dad has to use a walker for the next 4 weeks after having his hip replaced). Brian said we should email our idea to Ellen (Degeneres) and see if she would use it as a segment on her show. My parents are old. They are very old school too. Neither of them like Ellen simply because she's a lesbian. They just can't get past that. My brother is gay too. But they tell him that they love him no matter what. Well, without even thinking about it, I said, "Yeah....I don't think Mom and Dad would go for that." I tried to get around WHY they didn't like her, but he caught on anyway and that just set him off. Understandibly so, but it was all made MUCH worse due to his bi-polar. He was fine for a while, but the moment we got to the storage unit, he flipped out saying he was never good enough for Mom and Dad and no matter what he did he never would be. I felt really bad, because it was what I said that started it. But I just hugged him and helped him up the walk to meet his friend and assured him it was okay that he left.

....And then there were three.

We ended up restacking all the boxes that were already in the unit to be able to use the space better. At about 4pm, we were losing light and hope that we would ever finish (or fit everything in!!!). Just about that time, the guy that I've been emailing about going to their house church called me to see how the move went and to let me know that he gave me wrong directions to church that day. When he found out that we were still unloading and that there were only three of us, he talked with the other guys there and three more people were at our storage unit within a half hour to help us out. Keep in mind, these are people we've NEVER met...and they dropped everything and drove 20 miles to the other side of town to help us out. What would have taken us another three hours to finish, we had complete in 1 hour with the extra help. And there is NO room in that storage unit. It's 9 feet wide by 20 feet long by 7 feet high, and it is filled from stem to stern. We even had to bring a few things home with us!! Then with the help of my friend Chris (from our house church in the Springs) I went back to clean things up on Tuesday and Wednesday. Locking up the house was kind of a bittersweet moment. As I went through the house and turned off lights and opened doors, it was kinda like those "clip montage with a sappy song" sit-com episodes. Goodbye kitchen and dining room where we had so many friends over for dinner. Goodbye living room where my house church family gathered and prayed over my broken heart and my infertility. Goodbye bathroom where I first saw those two little pink lines. Goodbye bedroom where our dream was conceived and brought home to nurture. Goodbye Adriana's room where I cried tears of joy as I was setting up her crib. Goodbye computer room where...uh...well, nothing really happened there. That condo holds a lot of memories for me. I don't think I've ever had such a hard time leaving someplace. But God is still working in us, and that won't stop with this move. We're in a new season of our lives, and He has things for us to do/learn here too.

And Satan just HAD to get the last word in. Just 15 minutes from home, I was in a minor car accident. It was really icy, and as I tried to stop, my wheels locked and I slid about 50 feet into the guy in front of me. He had already slid to a stop just before hitting a stop sign, and there was a car skidded to a stop next to him. But with the way I turned the wheel to turn out of the skid, my rear wheel well cover ended up bouncing off the guy's spare tire on the back of his Ford Escape. He came out and asked if Adri and I were okay. He said he was okay. We looked at his car&emdash;no damage. We looked at my Jeep&emdash;no damage. It was butt-slapping cold out, and the city wasn't on cold reporting, so we would have had to wait for a cop. Neither one of us wanted to do that. He said, "If you're good, I'm good." I was good, so we all went home. I'm sure I had more than one guardian angel with me, because what could have been a pretty nasty and costly fender bender ended up being absolutely nothing.

So now that our move is over, we now return to our regularly scheduled life....

Almost Done!

2007-01-28T09:31:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned yet today how much I hate moving???? It's not the physical labor (although that really sucks). It's the fact that we seem to have accumulated so much CRAP in the last 7 years. Then you add on all the baby stuff that it would be really stupid to give away because you're just going to need it again anyway and all of a sudden you have too few people trying to empty out your 1400 sqft condo into a 26 foot U-Haul truck so you can take it to your oh-so-tiny 9x20 sqft storage unit. I'm scared it's not going to fit, but my brother and brother-in-law insist that it will. they will be over in about 30 minutes to go with Ben and I to the storage unit to unload everything.

The move itself went rather well under the circumstances. We were supposed to start at 10am, but it was snowing, so we didn't get to Colorado Springs until 10:45. Oh yes...that was AFTER we finally got a hold of my brother who thought I was picking him up at 9am instead of 8am. We dropped Ben and my brother Brian off at the condo so they could let Aunt Mary and our friend Nathan in to get started, and Michael (my BIL) went to pick up the moving truck. This was our first misadventure of the day. We started out at 10:45 to get the truck...we didn't even FIND the place until an hour later! When we got there, they were short staffed and swamped with crabby people. Another hour later, we finally had our truck. The first box loaded was a box of picture frames that someone "packed" for me. They fell off the dolly and most of the glass broke. I knew then that it was going to be a rough day. The good thing about being so late with the truck is that by the time we got there, Ben's brother Brian was free from his committments and was able to come over and help. Then at around 5pm Ben's parents came to help out with the remainder of the move. It was SUCH a relief to have the extra help!!! We even managed to move our 800 lb solid oak computer armoire without hiring a piano mover!!!! We left Colorado Springs with the truck loaded and my Jeep loaded and headed back to Denver. We didn't get back until after dark, so we had to park the truck over night.

....And so that's where we're headed this morning. Hopefully it won't take too long. Then all I have to do is clean the condo, turn in the keys and we're all done!!!

I Am SO Tired of Moving!!!!

2007-01-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

We've technically been living in Denver since the beginning of October, because it was getting SO expensive for Ben to drive up and back every day ($350 or more a month just in gas!!!!). Since then, I'd go down to Colorado Springs a couple of days a week, pack a few boxes, and then come home. Then I went with Adriana to see my best friend Kim in England for two weeks in October. Then Thanksgiving came...then Christmas came...then all the wonderful Colorado snow hit. So here comes January&emdash;our lease is up the end of this month&emdash;and I'm now SCRAMBLING to get everything packed up and ready to move. For the last two weeks, my brother and I have been going to Colorado Springs three days a week to get things packed up. This week, we'll have gone down four days in order to get things ready for the moving truck on Saturday. Getting help for the move has been a tad frustrating too. Though we told specific people to keep the end of January open (I'd get them an exact date ASAP), they all made other plans anyway. I know...it probably shouldn't frustrate me, but I'm desperate here! I have a 1400 square foot house to pack up and move, and for the most part, I'm doing it by myself!! Yes, these people would say, "Let me know when you need help packing and I'll be there." Well, until it's done, I ALWAYS need help packing. YOU are the ones who need to tell me when you can be there. So as a result, I've spent more time lately with my brother than is probably healthy for me. My brother is a VERY gay man. Not fruity-gay, but definitely flaming "in-your-face" gay. I know MUCH more about Denver's gay community than I E_V_E_R wanted to know. I love my brother. I really do. But I can only take so much of his lifestyle and beliefs. He was raised in the same household as I was, so I have NO idea where he gets his ideas from. Ideas like everyone will eventually end up in heaven (his reasoning is "every knee shall bow, every tongue confess") or my most recent favorite, that polygamy is completely natural. I won't go into some of his justifications (because they're just waaaay too graphic), but he says that it's a man's job to make all the women he can pregnant&emdash;God said to be fruitful and multiply. That's the easiest way to do it. Needless to say, I listened to praise and worship music for the half hour drive home after I dropped him off this evening. I felt I needed a little cleansing after today.

On a totally different note, my Dad's hip replacement surgery went remarkably well! The concern wasn't whether or not the surgery would go well as much as how he would react to the anesthesia. He is in advanced/final stages of emphysema, so his lungs are pretty much shot. But we stopped by the hospital this afternoon after we got back from packing, and he looked amazing! He wasn't wearing his pain in his face anymore, and he was eating like there was no tomorrow!! He hasn't been able to eat well over the last few months, and has lost almost 40 pounds as a result. He'll have to have the other one replaced eventually, but it will be a little while. Now if we can just get my Mom through her two knee replacements in April and then in July. As much as I'd like to have our own place right now, I'm glad that we're home to help them through all of this.

Welcome To My Blog Roll!

2007-01-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

A quick welcome to Alice, the newest addition to my blog roll (you know, because I read so many!!). She is a friend of my friend Felicia. We were at Northland at the same time for a little while, and it turns out that we're only about 30 minutes away from one another. She's been a HUGE encouragement in the attachment parenting arena—especially on the issue of sleeping! Eventually we're going to get our kiddos together for a play date....once it STOPS SNOWING!!!!!!!!!!

*in through the nose, out through the mouth*

I'm okay now. Really.....

Life's a Little Better Now....

2007-01-22T14:45:00.000-07:00

Oy vey... What a crazy ride this is. My Mom did end up apologizing to me for going postal on me the other day. And now everything is hunky dory—like nothing ever happened. I really don't know how I ever survived living here. Maybe it's because I lived in the basement from the time I was 14 until I moved out at 23. Hopefully that's the key, because we're in the process of trying to get the basement remodled so Ben and Adri and I can live down there. Thank heaven for my Zoloft!!!!

And in other news....

I know this is bad...but it's SO stinkin' funny!!! It's a website called Engrish.com. It's been a long time since I laughed so hard I cried. You can read all about who they are and what exactly "Engrish" is (basically really BAD Japanese useage of English), but here are a few of my favorites from their clothing gallery. The captions underneath are those from the website.

I think this says it all...

Sometimes you gotta stop and smell the stress...

Stoopid peaples

Like when you reach #2...

Everyone had a good time at the Miss Urine Tester pageant...

It's not easy being manic-depressive

Going on four days now...

Carefully exit the correct side of a bed...

Preheat oven to 350 degrees...

America locks!

Because I think Grandpa did it...

Hope you enjoyed the laugh as much as I did.

Open Letter to My Crazy Mother

2007-01-21T10:01:00.000-07:00

I'm SO sorry I'm such an inconvenience to you. Is that why my sisters took care of me 90% of the time when I was an infant? Was I an inconvenience to you even then?

I'm sorry that I made the mistake of getting my family into debt. I won't mention where I learned my spending habits from that got me into this.... I guarantee that it won't happen again, but the point now is that it's MY responsibility to take care of it. I know having your children move in with you isn't the easiest thing in the world to do. I'll be the first one to admit that. It's not easy for us either as adults to admit that we need this kind of help. But we are THREE PEOPLE and a dog all living in a 10x11 room—clothing and other necessities included. I'm sorry my daughter has diapers and toys and clothes. I'm doing my dead-level best to keep everything out of your way so that your living space is impacted as little as possible. When I mentioned bringing in the shelving unit to put on the patio, it was so that I could get our stuff out of your kitchen cupboards and off the counter top so your things would no longer be displaced. Nothing of yours needed to be moved out—just moved from one side of the cabinet to the other. And it wasn't even anything that was normally out there. It was all stuff you needed to go through and get rid of. Doing that actually created MORE space for you. But you didn't want to see that. All you could see was that we were somehow in your way, and the martyrdom began. "Just put the shelves up. I won't say another thing. It's more important that YOU all are comfortable. I'll just pack up my things and take them to Goodwill." Pardon my language, but what the HELL kind of solution is that?????? Even when it comes to baby-proofing the house, we have N-E-V-E-R asked you to put away ANY of your things. If you would just help us go through the things in the basement, we'd be able to get the room built down there and you would have the upstairs back to yourself.

I love you, Mom, and I am doing my best before God to honor what is honorable, but you are NOT making it easy. You desperately need to recognize that YOU are sick. Manic/Depressive, Bi-polar, call it whatever you want to, but you need to do something about it before it completely destroys EVERY relationship you have left.

Feeling Sad...

2007-01-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

I've been down in Colorado Springs for the last two days packing up our stuff. I don't think moving has ever made me sad, but it definitely is this time. I know this is something that MUST happen. We have no choice. We will financially sink if we stay in Colorado Springs. But leaving all of our amazing friends and the incredible deal of an apartment we got...it just makes me want to cry. Maybe some of that is because we're leaving our own home and moving into someone else's home. I'm praying that things will feel better once we get the bedroom in the basement built and we have our "own" space. And until then, we're praying that we can find a house church (or even just a church at this point) so that we can have a little emotional and spiritual support.

Ladies and Gentlemen, We Have Confirmed Polycystic Ovaries!!

2007-01-09T14:16:00.000-07:00

Three years ago I walked into my doctor's office and announced to him that I believed that I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I believe his exact words were, "Eh...probably so. We can put you on Metformin if you want. It's not going to hurt you if you DON'T have PCOS, but I've heard that they're using that to help treat the symptoms." So I agreed, and I started the medicine. No tests were ever mentioned, no checking to see if the dosage was correct. Eight months later we went to see a reproductive endocrinologist so I could have someone actually TREAT the PCOS—provided I really did have it. This was the loser with the god-complex who rushed us through my appointment and tried to get us signed up for invetro fertilization at $10k a pop (evidently Hummer #3 needed some repairs). We left his office, went straight to Dr Weary and never looked back. We were pregnant with Adriana my next cycle. Then in July of '06, I went to se an RE in Aurora. Nice old man, but he took my blood tests, informed me that they were perfectly normal and that I should try going on South Beach for six months and I should be able to conceive naturally. Adri is now 13 months old, and we've been trying for #2 since October with no success. Dr weary gave me some Clomid at the end of September to take for October, but that didn't take. And with our insurance switching from Colorado Springs Kaiser to Denver Kaiser, we just decided to start over with new doctors. I went to just my regular endocrinologist. He said I should see their reproductive endocrinologist. He didn't really do anything more—no contact number or anything. So I just made an appointment with an OB/GYN, because the nurse making the appointment said he'd be comfortable treating PCOS. When I went in last week to see him, he also said that I should see the RE too, but HE gave me a phone number. So I made an appointment for today. SUCH a better experience than the last RE we went to see. He put me back on Metformin, but at a higher dosage, to see if that will help with the insulin resistance and other symptoms. Then he did an ultrasound to make sure that my ovaries were in good enough shape (not all huge and fluid filled) to withstand more Clomid in a couple of months. He walked me through was was on hte ultrasound. He got to my ovaries, and low and behold—wouldn't you know it??? THERE WERE CYSTS!!!! A perfect little "string of pearls" just like the textbooks show. Hmmm...I wonder how THOSE got there?!?!?!?!?!? Sorry for all the gloating, but I feel QUITE a sense of accomplishment right now. I've been telling doctors since 1994 that something was wrong with me. All of a sudden bleeding for three months at a time and gaining almost 50 pounds in 8 months (even though I was walking EVERYWHERE) just can't be normal!!!! So now I have an official diagnosis—confirmed by a doctor and a plan to get better...or at least get pregnant. I've finally been heard!!!!!

A Treatise On Keeping the Oven Empty

2007-01-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

Ovens should remain empty. Period. Unless you are cooking something in them, there should be nothing but the racks that came with it.
Ever since I can remember, my mother has kept various pans in the oven. She also, for whatever reason (probably because HER mother did it), she keeps potato chips in there. I REALLY think this is a bad idea. And with 32 years to get used to it, you'd think that I would remember to take the chips OUT of the oven before turning it on. Well...I didn't. For the second time in 32 years, I set the bag of potato chips on fire. The first time I did it, I was 15 and only burned a brown spot on the bag. This time it was a bit more extreme. This time there were flames. Yes, I set the bag of chips on fire. And to top it all off, the next door neighbor was visiting at the time. I was in the middle of making corn bread, and I was waiting for the oven to preheat so I could put the pan in. The oven had been on at 450 degrees about 10 minutes before I realized what was happening. This is all that is left of both the bag and the bag clip.

Please don't take away my membership to the Food Network. I'm not entirely to blame. Heredity is the biggest culprit. Evidently my grandmother did it several times. Tomorrow, my mom and I are going to Wal-Mart with the bag clip and ask them if they know were we can find another one—this one is broken.

Core Dump

2007-01-03T16:34:00.000-07:00

Gosh...where do I start? So many things to blog about and I haven't had time to do them all in separate entries. So I guess I'll cram them all into one! Let's see...the GOOD highlight of Christmas was spending a wonderful evening with Ben's family at the Oxford Hotel downtown Denver and then spending the next few days at a bed and breakfast in Buena Vista on the Arkansas River. The BAD part of Christmas was that the time at the B&B was too short and the hotel was haunted. Yes, like with ghosts. I didn't find this out until AFTER the fact (otherwise I would never have gone), but I knew something was up when we went to bed Saturday night and couldn't sleep. So we've been knee deep in spiritual warfare the last few days.

New Years Eve was spent with my family in Denver. It was pretty uneventful, and we were all in bed by 9pm. But the neighbors graciously woke us up for the fireworks at midnight...until 12:30am.... Then New Years Day my sister and brother-in-law and their two girls Emily and Lizzy came over for our traditional dinner of black-eyed peas, ham and cornbread. I also spent most of the day (and the day before) eating peel-and-eat shrimp and cocktail sauce. I probably ate my weight in shrimp! Okay...maybe Adri's weight...but it was still a lot! Then after dinner I was putting the food away, and there was shrimp left over. That just can't happen! So I popped a few more in my mouth and just jokingly said, "Somebody come out here and stop me from eating theeeeeeeese!!!!!" And my mother. My LOVING mother yelled out in front of everyone in the house, "What's the matter? Don't you have any self control?" You could literally hear the record screach to a stop. If you need some background on my relationships with food and my mother, click here. As my brother-in-law Michael says, I had SEVERAL hot-sauce words on my tounge. I REALLY need a counselor...NOW....

On the second Adri and I took a trip to the doctor. When it was all said and done, she's tall (30 inches), lean (21 lbs) and smart (18 in head circ.)and very healthy. Her pediatritian's only advice was to work with her on her words since she tends to grunt and point more than try to talk. I don't know...maybe those grunts ARE words and I just am not understanding them. My appointment with the OB/GYN was a little more in depth (no pun intended). He removed a benign pollup from my cervix about the size of tip of my finger. Despite his name (Dr Payne), I like this doctor. He was readily willing to show me what he removed. I know, most people think that's really gross. But remember--my sister is a nurse. We used to watch open heart surgeries on TV at Northland fro fun! He also gave me a referral to their reproductive endocrinologist to manage my PCOS as well as any fertility treatments or meds that I need. I have MOPS this morning, so I'll try to get that appointment made by tomorrow so we can get going on trying to get pregnant.

And my daughter is now up, so I'll probably have to write more later. Oh yes! In all my "spare time" (we ALL know this doesn't really exist), I'm trying to teach myself cascading style sheets. I've only learned enough to edit some of my existing pages, but I'm pretty proud of what I DID manage to do. www.dakuipers.com/aboutme. That particular page has been not loading right, and somehow I managed to fix it as I was changing the more "decorative" properties.

Some People Just Have TOO Much Time On Their Hands...

2006-12-27T16:12:00.001-07:00

I have this fun little button on my browser called Stumble (www.stumbleupon.com). You set up your preferences, click the button and it takes you to a random website based on those preferences. It's really fun. Though it just took me to this website. www.tamponcrafts.com. I'm not sure if I should be grossed out...or take notes so I can make these things too!

Oh My Gosh!!!!

2006-12-20T15:17:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone with my best friend all through elementary school, middle school and high school!!! That was just so cool.... Ben came in the kitchen with my cell phone and said, "There's a Michelle Wickham on the phone looking for a Brandi Brown...." I just about jumped out of my skin!! I emailed her through reunion.com ages ago, but figured there was a problem with the website, because I never heard anything from her. We talked for quite a while, though—it was really nice to connect with her again. Once we got into middle school, my Dad used to drop me off at her house in the mornings and we'd walk to school together. We were in marching band together, both played the clarinet. We worked together on Fiddler on the Roof our freshman year—I in the chorus and she on stage crew. We even tried our first cigarette together. Don't worry—I didn't inhale ;-) That was the last cigarette that ever touched my lips too!!! yuck... We even were able to walk together at graduation. I don't have much from those years. Most of my memories are ones I'd like to forget. It's refreshing to have a connection that is a positive one.

Good Heavens, I Thought This Was Supposed to End!!!

2006-12-05T11:04:00.000-07:00

Adri has all of a sudden stopped sleeping through the night. Actually, she's never really SLEPT through the night. I've always had to get up at least once just to pat her back and help her go back to sleep. But lately even that isn't working. She's fully waking up at least twice a night, sometimes more, and in order to get her back to sleep I have to pick her up out of her crib and rock her back to sleep. In the mean time, I end up dozing off in the rocker and waking up an hour later with a kink in my neck. I put her back in her crib, and two and a half to three hours later, she's awake and we do it all over again. Then she wakes up at her normal time at 7:30. Sometimes she takes a nap, sometimes she doesn't. On the days I've tried to nap while she's napping, she's only slept for 45 minutes—just long enough for me to start to doze off. I don't mind rocking her back to sleep. I'm all for the attachment parenting thing. In fact, if there was room in our bedroom, I'd just bring her in there for a while until this passes. Am I setting a bad precedent by putting her back to sleep that way? It's not like I can't make the best of it—make myself comfortable and sleep for an hour in the chair and then put her back in her bed. I just don't want to start something with her that's going to end up making her "needy" and my life miserable.

Okay, So We Won't Count This Year

2006-11-29T17:04:00.000-07:00

Thanksgiving this year was. . . well, it was pretty much just a meal this year. The only difference was that we all went around the table and stated one thing we were thankful for. We moved our meal to Friday this year because my sister Bridget had to work a shift at the hospital on Thanksgiving. We had just decided this on Sunday evening, so when I got to Bridget's house on Monday to help her empty out her storage unit, I called my brother to let him know. Well, he ripped me a new one for about 20 minutes because we didn't bother to call him and ask him what HE wanted to do. Let me tell you a bit about my brother. He's 40 years old and lives on disability due to a condition he has because of some choices he made, so he doesn't work currently, and my sister administers his finances. And because of some other choices he's made over the years (usually involving a joint or some meth and a pint of Jack Daniel's), his brain is pretty much fried. Those choices led to problems with jobs and loss of his driver's license for several years. He got that back three years ago, but has no money for a car. His days are spent sitting around his apartment twiddling his thumbs because he's isolated himself from life. So when it came time for the matriarchs of the family to figure out what to do, we all just figured my brother would go with the flow as usual. Oh no....not Brian. He tore me up one side and down the other because he had plans with friends on Friday! And to top it all off, he's bi-polar (aka manic/depressive) and doesn't take his meds faithfully. At the time he was having a manic episode, and let me tell you—manic isn't always a positive thing. Then he went off on the fact that no one ever calls him, comes to see him, does anything with him, etc. I told him that I was sorry. I try to do what I can, but lately my life has been just a little crazy, and I was having a hard enough time keeping up with my husband and child. So he asked me what was going on in my life that was making me have such a hard time. Well, I'm 32 years old and just moved my family in with my parents so that we can get some debt paid off. I'm having a heck of a time getting my thyroid under control which has its own problems (see my previous post), we want to have another baby, but even the fertility medications aren't working with my body. His response? "Well, maybe you shouldn't have more kids." I was dumbstruck. There have been very few times in my life that I have been absolutely speechless. His next words were, "Be glad you don't have any real problems." That made me mad. So mad I hung up on him. He must have ranted on for the next five minutes, because about that time, he called back and said, "I was just telling you goodbye and I loved you, and the line was dead." Uh yeah, genius. I hung up on you. I told him that my problems WERE real, and they ARE very difficult to deal with. He said he didn't mean for it to come out that way he just meant that I should be glad my problems aren't worse than they are. Yeah...I'm glad, but that still doesn't make my life easy to deal with at the moment! So long story short, Brian went to his thingy with his friends and then came over and ate with us, and we're all still trying to figure out what was so difficult that he had to yell at me the way he did.

But on the good side, I was finally able to see the endocrinologist. It's no wonder I was feeling so terrible—my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) level was at 32. Normal is between 1 and 7!!!!!!!!!!!! So he put me on a higher dose and I go back in January to see how I'm doing. Now if we can just get the fertility medications to work.

Yesterday we went to Colorado Springs to pick up Adri's 1 year pictures. Can you believe she's already a year old?!?!?!?!?!? The originals were taken in sepia (an antique brown color for those of you who don't know). I scanned the pictures in, changed them to black and white and then colorized them. I'm personally pretty proud of my work :-)

I've Been Turned into a Cow...Can I Go Home?: The Sequal

2006-11-16T14:29:00.000-07:00

No really...this time I HAVE been turned into a cow. I stepped on the scale this morning and weighed in at a whopping 280 pounds—that makes 20 pounds gained since Adriana was born last December. I'm not proud of this by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, this is the first time I've ever admitted to anyone other than my husband and the DMV what I weigh. I didn't get this way overnight—although it was pretty stinking close. I've always struggled with my weight. In fact, one of my earliest memories is that of a girl in preschool telling me that my thighs were too big. At four years old, I had just learned what my thighs were!!! During my formative years, my Mom (who's going to kill me if she ever reads this) was going through a very difficult time personally. And as her female ancestors before her, she turned to food for comfort. It wasn't uncommon for us to sit down together and spend some nice quality Mommy/Daughter time on the couch scarfing a bad of snack sized candy bars. She insists to this day that she bought all that chocolate for my Dad, but I know the truth. From the time I was three or four years old, my Dad had half of his stomach removed and as a result couldn’t eat that kind of stuff all the time like he used to, because it would make him sick. If she wanted to go out, it was to Dairy Queen for a Blizzard. Not the six ounce ones that they call “large” today. No, back then they served a large in a 32 ounce cup. Would YOU give your 9 year old a QUART of ice cream?!?!?!?!?!? I wasn’t allowed to do this ALL the time— only when Mom was doing it. Unfortunately then I would just sneak it. Children don’t understand the concept of binge eating. They just know that for what seems like forever, it’s “all food all the time”. Then it stops—no rhyme or reason. I don’t know a child who could be exposed to that for long periods of time (thirteen years in my case) and then just be expected to stop. Most adults I know don’t have that kind of willpower. Coupled with my vice of being fiercely independent you get a child who wants to eat and will do anything necessary to get it. Knowingly or not, my mother created a monster. I’m not saying that I’m not responsible for what I do now. Regardless of WHY I make the decisions I make, I solely am responsible for my actions.

Another piece to this puzzle is my thyroid disorder and the PCOS that I currently have. Both, if left untreated, tend to add vast amounts of weight to a body. Do you know how many times in my life I’ve been told just to “diet and exercise” and that should take care of my problem? I stopped counting at age 18. It seems a logical answer to my problem. However, I did a little experiment last year. I spent four months working out 5 days a week for an hour and ten minutes. Two three of those days I spent forty-five minutes on a pretty rigorous workout on the elliptical machine and 25 minutes doing weights. Then on the other two days a week, a friend and I took our lunch hour plus a break (an hour and 15 minutes) and walked close to four miles—two miles one way and two miles back. I also made sure that my caloric intake was no more than 1800 calories per day. So here’s what the math looks like on that:

MWF
Calories: 1800
Eliptical: -810
Weights: -315
----------------
Net Calories: 675 per day.

Tues/Thursday
Calories: 1800
Walking: 610
----------------
Net Calories: 1190

Total for 5 days: 4405
Total for 5 days w/o exercise: 9000

Do you know how much weight I lost? I think I managed to lose five pounds—not in 5 days. In FOUR MONTHS. I’ll be honest—I wasn’t always 100% faithful. There were days I went home and ate a pint of Haagan Daas for dinner or only worked out twice a week. But following a 90% 10% plan (good diet and exercise 90% eating junk and no exercise 10% of the time) you would think that I would have gotten a little more out of it than a measly 5 pound loss. Is it any wonder that I have no motivation to exercise right now? And with my thyroid so out of whack (and the PCOS in tow), I could eat just enough for my body to function and I’d still gain weight. I don’t think it’s supposed to work that way. I guess if I could SEE something happening, I’d be more motivated to keep going no matter how slow the process.

Ben called me this afternoon to tell me that our insurance was now officially switched over from Kaiser of Colorado Springs to Kaiser of Denver. Now I can make an appointment with the endocrinologist recommended to me by the doctor who diagnosed my thyroid condition 24 years ago (I don’t feel like I should be that old…). Hopefully he can help me get my thyroid under control. Once that’s done, then we can work on getting the PCOS (and subsequent insulin resistance) taken care of. I can only hope. That seems to be all I have left right now. And even that is running dry.

Family Pictures

2006-11-13T16:54:00.000-07:00

We had family pictures taken at Sears on Saturday, and I just thought I'd post a few of my favorites.

Ben, Brandi & Adriana

Just Ben & Brandi

Adriana in her Christmas dress. We bought this dress the day we found out we were having a girl. And believe it or not, Sears didn't put this portrait together—I did! Yes, I love being a Photoshop guru *grin*

My New Medical Discovery...

2006-11-11T13:15:00.000-07:00

I'm calling it the Bruce Banner Syndrome. I guess I could call it Jekyll and Hyde Syndrome, but...I dunno...Bruce Banner is more my generation than the other two. Besides, I don't know if Dr Jekyll could feel his metamorphosis coming on. I can. Ben asked me at 3 o'clock this morning if I was feeling better (I went to bed last night rather perturbed). I said, "Yeah...kinda. I feel a little like Bruce Banner—'Don't make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry.'" I can honestly FEEL myself losing control. I'm sitting outside on the front porch right now for that very reason. I had to turn Adri over to Ben this morning to get her dressed for that reason. She was throwing a fit because she didn't want to get dressed. I needed her dressed in SOMETHING because we needed to get going to the store to get groceries/meals for my Aunt & Uncle who are house-bound and my Uncle starts chemotherapy this week. Mom was on a time schedule (because we had to be back by a certain time so they could eat on time) and my Dad was holding her up because he needed us to take something to the post office for him (he still can't drive), so she was getting frustrated with Dad...which made me frustrated...which Adri was feeding off of and making her more frustrated.... Most of Adri's little tantrum was just plain temper--which normally I would discipline for. But at the moment, I would have been disciplining out of anger, and I refuse to start that. That's how I was disciplined as a child, and it did nothing but instill fear in me.

I'm just so tired of not being in control of my emotions!!!! I'm trying SO hard. I'm on anti-depressants, so it could be much worse than it is. But the cause this time is my thyroid/hormones/PCOS. They're still trying to switch our Kaiser insurance from the Colorado Springs plan to the Denver plan, and I until they do that (which I'm hoping will be next week sometime) I can't make an appointment with the endocrinologist that I need to see. I'm just so tired of being broken. My reproductive system doesn't work right, my endocrine system isn't working right, my ability to process sugar isn't working right....and though my voice has been healed to a certain extent, I still have to exercise it to get it back to its original abilities. I can't even sing right!!!! For so long, my voice was my identity...it was my face to the world. In a place where my face or body wasn't attractive to anyone, my voice was. That was my beauty. I'm sure I will be able to sing as I once did...as long as I don't have the same problem with reflux that I did when I was pregnant with Adriana. But for the time being, I feel like I've been disfigured.

I know I don't have it so bad. In the grand scheme of things, this is nothing more than a trivial annoyance compared to a couple of stories I've heard over the last few days. And now I feel guilty for complaining. But at least I feel like I can go inside and be in close proximity to my family without turning green and breaking through walls.

I'm Too Young for This

2006-11-09T15:51:00.000-07:00

Ben and Adri and Rosie and I recently moved in with my parents for a little while until we can get on our feet with this move from Colorado Springs to Denver. I love my parents, but they are old now and getting very crotchety. I realize there's a reason for it. Arthritis runs rampant through my Mom's joints, and my Dad needs to have both hips replaced, but they don't want to do it until it gets really bad because with his emphysema it's a huge risk just to put him under anesthesia. They have a reason to be cranky.

However...

The seem to have forgotten what it's like to have a small child in the house. "How much time do you spend on the computer a day?" my Dad asks... Um...how many hours of Fox News do you watch a day????? What on earth does it matter?!?!?!?!?!? Yes, there is laundry all over our floor, and I still haven't completely unpacked from our trip to England. You try chasing a very intelligent 11 month old around AND run errands for someone and see how much YOU get done in a day!!

Don't get me wrong...I LOVE my parents. They are making a huge sacrifice allowing us to stay here while we get debt paid off so that we'll be able to buy a house in the next year or so. And I know my Dad is just trying to help. But there are times where it feels he jumps in to help because I'm not doing it right...or fast enough. Good grief...where did THAT piece of baggage come from?! I guess I'll just add that to my luggage cart. I pity the next counselor I end up seeing.

Girl Interrupted

2006-11-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

I was at my MOPS group this past Thursday, and my care group leader gave devotions. She said that one of her frustrations of the "mini van years" that they are in right now is that she isn't always able to carve out space for her quiet time. Yeesh! Don't I know that!!!! It's always a constant source of guilt for me. But she said something that really spoke to me. She said that in the times where she doesn't seek Him out, He seeks her out. When her life gets so out of control (like it is now--her mom has a very agressive cancer) and she is doing all she can just to keep up with basic daily tasks, God gently but clearly interrupts her day and gives her what she needs to make it through. That really got to me. One of the things that I've been learning over the last few years is that my relationship with God is not a one way relationship. Just like any relationship here on earth, it's one of give and take from both parties. How many times have I spent days on end just "touching base" with Ben because our lives are so crazy busy, only to have him send me a long email telling me how much he loves me and that he understands how hard it is for me to keep up with things. Or he'll just out of the blue bring home flowers and dinner for us so that I can have a few minutes to relax. Scripture makes it clear that what we experience here on earth is just a small picture of our heavenly relationships. Obviously going without our time with God shouldn't be the norm. But how is it that we have convinced ourselves that if we go through a period where we aren't exactly dilliget about our devotions (you know...like the times when we're doing good just to get in a shower twice a week!), that our spiritual lines of communication shut down? Are we such an important part of the equation that God can't initiate a quiet time with us?

He's been doing just that for the last couple of days. While adjusting myself to not being on vacation, I'm trying to help Adriana readjust to her normal eat/nap/play schedule, help my parents around the house; run errands for my Dad since he can't drive; figure out how and when I'm going to get back to Colorado Springs to get more of our stuff packed up; trying to cope with raging hormonal imbalances and all the other wonderful side effects like fatigue and mood swings; trying to be a decent wife and mother; and on top of all that, deal with my desire to have another baby and the frustration that comes with not having any control whatsoever about making that happen because my body is not working the say it's supposed to. Right now I have no entry in my dictionary for "quiet" or "time" either one! But despite all that, God has spoken to me very specifically over the last few days. First through some promises He gave to Ben and I over two years ago about His intentions for our family, and then, of all things, through a widget on my Mac. For you non-Mac users, a widget is basically a mini program that runs on your desktop. This particular widget is a daily Bible verse that pops up on my screen. Anyway, after Ben had read back to me some of the promises, I kind of got discouraged. Remembering the frustration in trying to get pregnant for so long and the ache in my heart when month after month it never happened...I REALLY wasn't looking forward to dealing with those emotions again. Don't get me wrong—I LOVE the little miracle that I just put down for a nap. She has changed my life forever and healed my heart. But God gave me a desire for a large family (or at least larger than one child), and we are ready to get moving again. It's not discontent with what I've been given...it's frustration with the rocks I must climb to get to the goal. Then yesterday, it was like God put His arms around me and said, "no, no, sweetie...don't get discouraged. I know the plans I have for you. They're not plans to destroy you, but plans to give you hope and a future. Trust Me." Then this morning, I was feeling better, but still telling Him that I'm not sure I can do this again. And once again, He put His arms around me and said, "it's okay. You CAN do this, but only with My help. I know this is hard, and you don't have to be strong. Lean on Me and let Me be strong for you."

I have to say, I'm glad my relationship with God isn't solely dependant on my action alone. That's one interruption in my day that I don't mind.

Back to Reality

2006-11-05T11:02:00.000-07:00

Okay guys who have been reading this—we're going back to girly things now. So if you don't want to hear about MY girly things, then I suggest you go...uh....here...yeah, that's a good place.

For those of you who knew that I was on Clomid last month, it didn't work. For those of you who didn't know, Ben and I are trying to get pregnant again, and after having to take TWO separate doses of progesterone to get me to stop bleeding, I started Clomid to help me ovulate. Well, I did end up ovulating, but not until it was too late to have an egg healthy enough to support fertilization. I was pretty discouraged when the relatives came (Aunt Flo, Uncle Red, and this time the Cramp children brought ALL their friends). I kept reminding myself that I'd rather have things go this way than to have gotten pregnant and miscarry—I just couldn't' handle that right now. Normally miscarriage wouldn't cross my mind, but because my thyroid has been so crazy, and thyroid problems can cause miscarriages. The other frustrating thing that I've been dealing with lately is that I feel like I'm in a constant state of agitation. And poor Ben...he just patiently walks beside me and lets everything roll right off his back. The two weeks I was gone kind helped me reset that problem...but alas, it seems to have only lasted about a week. Between the stress of living with family (instead of our own place), trying to move an entire household from a different city, and all the hormonal problems, I've been quite the jewel to be around. Then earlier today I looked at my two most recent thyroid results (that span the last six months), and my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is going DOWN when it should be going UP!!!! No wonder I feel like a crazy woman. I am!!!! And I now have a recommendation for an endocrinologist (that I got from my childhood endocrinologist), but I can't make an appointment with him until I get our insurance switched from Kaiser of Colorado Springs to Kaiser of Denver. And who knows how long that might take!! So until then, I'll be reading the PCOS diet book to see what I can do by managing my glycemic response.

Finally Home!!

2006-11-02T20:52:00.000-07:00

Actually, we got home late Monday night. This is just the first time I've had a chance to write anything about it! The trip home was a bit crazier than the trip over, but I'll get to that a little bit later. Right now I have to finish telling you about the rest of our trip.

Just a few more pictures from our trip to Edinburgh, Scotland:

Adri and I at Edinburgh Castle

A view from over the wall of the castle

This was kinda comical—this guy was dressed up as William Wallace (Braveheart) and was standing outside the castle taking pictures with tourists for a donation to the national Leukemia fund. He kept telling everyone he wasn't Mel Gibson, but close up, he kinda looked like him!

I took a number of pictures of the Scottish countryside, but this was by far my favorite. Everywhere you looked, there were all large herds of sheep—EVERYWHERE!!!

We left Edinburgh on Wednesday and headed south to Stratford-upon-Avon, the birthplace of William Shakespeare. One thing that struck me was how long Brits tend to think driving takes. From Westcliff where Kim lives to Edinburgh is only about 7 1/2 or 8 hours away—nothing more than a day's drive for most of us. The British seem to think that's a trip better split into two days! I was talking to a lady on our way back home who was born in the UK but now lives in Montana and she said it was a shock to her the first time her husband wanted to drive 14 hours somewhere in one day!!

Stratford-upon-Avon was a fun place to visit. They have these "Hop-On Hop-Off" double decker tour busses that drive around the city and stop every 20 minutes at different attractions. You buy one ticket for 24 hours and can ride the busses to any of 12 different sites. So we got on at the beginning of the tour, rode it to Shakespeare's house, then to his granddaughter's house and the Teddy Bear Museum and then to his wife, Ann Hathaway's house. We would have gone to the church where he was buried, but armed police had the street blocked off.

The proverbial red double decker bus

Adri and Kim on the backside of Shakespeare's home/birthplace

Ann Hathaway's house

Thursday we took the train/tube and spent the day in London and tried to take in as many sites as we could.

Our tour guide, George. He was a very sweet man, but Adri did NOT like his hat!

Adri and I at the Tower of London

Adri and I with Big Ben, the Houses of parliament and the London Eye in the background. We were standing on the sidewalk in front of Westminster Abbey.

Adri and I in front of Buckingham Palace. We had a really neat experience here. While we were just standing in front of the palace taking in the scenery, out of nowhere comes this black carriage pulled by two horses and driven by two men in camel hair coats and black top hats! We have no earthly idea who it was in the carriage, but it certainly was fun to guess!

Our last sight seeing day was Friday when we took the Tube back into London to Victoria Station and took a coach tour to Leeds Castle, Dover, Canterbury and then ended the day in Greenwich with a river cruise down the Thames. This was probably one of the most relaxing trips we took—mostly because someone else was doing the driving!! There ended up only being 11 people total on this tour, so Kim and I took over the row of five seats in the back of the bus so that we would have plenty of room for Adri to stretch out and play or sleep.

We drove past the Metropolitan Tabernacle—the church started in London by Charles Haddon Spurgeon in the 1800's. This area of London was an area heavily bombed by the Germans in WWII, so the front facade and the foundation was the only part of the church that survived. Every other part of the church looks much more modern.

Leeds Castle was a castle created by one of the early Kings of England for his Queen, and there after became knows as the Queen's Castle. All of Henry VIII's wives stayed there at some point. We also learned how to remember how each marriage ended: Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived. And trust me—the Brits still love their soap operas!

The White Cliffs of Dover. During WWII, Winston Churchill wanted to spend the remainder of the war in Dover so he could look the Germans in the eye, so to speak. Obviously he wasn't allowed to due to security, but he often went there for short periods anyway.

Kim and Adri and I at the White Cliffs overlooking the English Channel. When you're there, if you look really, REALLY closely, you can see the coast of France as a faint line across the horizon.

This is Canterbury Cathedral—an area made famous both by Chaucer's Canterbury Tales as well as by the long line of Archbishops who traditionally have crowned the monarchs of England.

Among the more famous people buried at Canterbury Cathedral are:

Edward, the Black Prince of Wales (who had the not-so-honorable distinction of dying of dysentery—at least that's what our guide said. I've read other accounts that said he died of plague) and King Henry IV and his second wife, Joanna of Navarre.

Also of interest is the burial place of Stephen Langton. He is credited with adding chapter divisions to the Bible.

That's about it for all that we saw. There will eventually be descriptions on all the photos on our flickr site. The trip home was a bit more harried than the trip over. We left on an airport shuttle at 6am Monday and got to Gatwick around 9:30. After somehow managing to get our luggage AND the stroller into the airport by myself, they then proceeded to tell me that my luggage was too heavy and I would need to repack it. Ummm...hello, McFly! Do I LOOK like I have extra luggage in my back pocket?!?!?!?!? I BURST into tears—something I've found rather helpful in getting help. They brought someone over to push my luggage cart over to the baggage shop where I spent a rediculous amount of money on two little bags so as to even out the weight of my luggage. Then when I went to check in, the woman told me that I'd have to pay $125 for the one extra bag!!!!!! At this point, I really didn't care. I wanted to go home and the luggage was coming with me any way possible. When I went around to pay the fee, the woman (who had earlier seen me trying to get the stroller and the luggage cart to cooporate and go the same way) winked at me and told me that I was allowed to check a bag for the baby, and gave me my boarding pass! I wasn't very happy with security, however. I wasn't allowed any liquids whatsoever, so Adri's benedryl ended up in my checked baggage. Subsequently she was awake 7 out of 9 hours of the flight home. Praise the Lord, though, thanks to the nice lady from Montana who switched seats with us so I could have an empty seat for Adri and to the airlines for having an hours worth of Baby Einstein videos on the "On-Demand" list, she was still a wonderful little traveler. The biggest thing that made me mad was that they made me taste her food AND her formula even though it was factory sealed!!!!!! Again, all I wanted to do was get home, so I said a little prayer for God to protect the milk and did what I could to keep any contamination to a minimum.

All in all, we had a good time with Kim and enjoyed the sights and sounds of the country. But I'm VERY glad to be home....

Frankie Says Relax

2006-10-28T13:35:00.000-06:00

*sigh* My body is finally rebelling against the pace we've kept for the last week. I just realized that today is the first day in seven that we haven't done ANYTHING!!! I woke up this morning with a little bit of a cold--the first one I've had since before I got pregnant with Adriana! So I guess now that I'm sick, it's time to go home :-) I think it's getting to Adri too. She refuses to drink more than one bottle a day (in the morning), but eats solid food like a mad woman the rest of the day. She went through more food just today than she normally goes trough in TWO!!!! I hope she does okay on the plane Monday. I keep checking my flight reservations, and so far there's no on in the seat next to me so Adri can havae her own seat (kind of) on the long flight back to the states. The flight from Minneapolis to Denver is pretty much a sardine can, but that's only an hour and a half flight.

Okay, so on to the "diary" of the last week. Obviously I've taken more pictures than I'll post here (otherwise it's going to take me forever and I'll just give up). All my photos (not yet with explinations) can be found at our Flickr site.

Saturday - Monday: Westcliff to Leeds; Leeds to Edinburgh
Monday - Wednesday: Edinburgh to Stratford-upon-Avon; Stratford-upon-Avon to Westcliff
Thursday: London
Friday: Coach tour of Leeds Castle, White Cliffs of Dover, Canterbury, Grenwich, and a cruise down the River Thames.

We were pretty excited to actually be able to go to Leeds and Edinburgh, because as you may have read earlier, Adri and Kim had both been sick in the days before. Everyone was feeling better Saturday morning, so we went ahead with our plans. We drove about 3 hours north of Westcliff to the town of Leeds where Kim's frind Mark and his family live. They were kind enough to let us stay over night with them. When we got there, Adri, of course commanded the attention of everyone in the room. She's gotten a bit cheeky as of late. Anyway, that evening we took everyone out for bowling and Chineese to thank them for letting us disrupt their lives for 14 hours. It was a lot of fun, but we were glad to get back on the road to our destination. Four or five hours later, we found Edinburgh. Finding our hotel was a totally different story. I think we probably drove around for a good half hour before calling the place for directions. Adri was exhausted and Kim and I were both pretty testy. So we parked the car, walked everything two blocks down and then lugged everything up the stairs to our room. It was a very nice little suite with a kitchen AND a washing machine!!! As you can see from the picture, Adri was facinated with the front-loading washer.

Monday morning we got up and headed down into town to do our sight seeing. First stop was Edinburgh Castle. Let me tell you--walking up to that castle is NOT for the faint of leg. Of course if we had gone up the RIGHT way, it would have been a lot easier.

And just a little known fact--did you know that King James I, the patron of the King James Bible (1611 AV) was born in Edinburgh Castle, nd that his mother was Mary Queen of Scots??

I'll p ublish this much, but I'll have to finish the rest tomorrow. My body is now on automatic shutdown, and if I don't get it into bed, I'll be sleeping on the keyboard tonight.

Um...I've turned into a cow. Can I go home?

2006-10-26T14:12:00.000-06:00

That's a line from "The Emperor's New Groove". I'm really enjoying my time and all the things we're seeing, but I think I'm ready to go home now.

I'll post more later (and I promise--pictures are coming!), but so far we've seen Edinburgh Scotland (and lots of sheep and shaggy cows), Stratford-upon-Avon and Downtown London--and all the lovely sites that go with them. Tomorrow is our last major event--a coach/riverboat tour of Leeds Castle, the Cliffs of Dover and it ends with an evening cruise down the Thames River. I'm looking forward to it, but I'll be glad when we can stay closer to home. And then we leave on Monday to come back to the States!! I'm definitely looking forward to that. Two weeks is WAAAAAY too long to be this far away from the love of your life! TTFN!

Next Stop: Edinburgh, Scotland!!

2006-10-21T02:52:00.000-06:00

Okay, so it's technically Leeds--but it's half way there, and Scotland IS where we're going to end up. Plans were a little sketchy for a while since BOTH Kim and Adri were sick, but all seems to be going better so far. So this will probably be my last post until Wednesday when we return to Southend and I have internet access again. Pray for safety (because Kim is letting me drive!!!) and settled tummies all around.

I Hate Jet Lag...

2006-10-19T18:36:00.000-06:00

Actually, I voluntarily stayed up this late so I could talk to Ben for a while. He left for a business trip to Washington DC the same day we left for London, so I haven't talked to him since Monday. I've never not talked to him for that long!!! I know it sounds a bit cheesy (and a little morbid, I guess), but we're one of those couples who wants to die together because we'd never be able to stand life without the other. We COULD do it, but we don't want to. Have you ever seen the end of "The Notebook"? That's how we want to go. I cried my ever-lovin' eyes out!! I can't say as I'd recommend it to my more conservative friends, because it gets a little racy. But oh my gosh what a love story!!!!

Today was pretty laid back. I'm trying to figure out what exactly Adri wants to eat. She won't touch a bottle of formula or juice, but she'll drink the sugar water Bridget suggested I give her to keep her hydrated. She also had some blueberries and pears for dinner. We went to an open house at Kim's school and I met a number of her coworkers. I'm beginning to get a big head with everyone telling me how beautiful my daughter is!! They all commented either about her smile or her eyes. She's definitely still turning heads everywhere she goes.

I also got to wash and style my hair today. What a difference that makes!!! I actually feel HUMAN! The humidity seemed to be a bit milder today as well. We're going to the Southend-on-sea pier tomorrow night (or now it's tonight I guess...) At 1.33 miles long, it's the longest entertainment pier in the world. Then Saturday morning we'll head up to Leeds and stay the night there (and sight-see) and then head to Edinburgh, Scotland on Sunday. Then on the way back home to Southend, we'll head to Stratford-upon-avon and stay over night at a B&B there. Hopefully that means more pictures to come!!

I'm headed off to bed. Hopefully I won't wake up again at 2:30--since it's 1:45 now. That would suck.

Okay, So It's Not ALL Perfect...

2006-10-18T19:49:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's 2:30 in the morning again. I seem to be on a funky schedule...a lot of it is just my insanely screwed up thyroid.

Adriana spent most of the day today throwing up EVERYTHING. Poor little dear. Our laundry is a little worse for wear, but she seems to be doing better. She's finally taking little sips of juice/water after pushing everything away for the last 12 hours. Thanks to Kim being able to make VOIP calls for free from her computer, I was able to call my sister Bridget back in the states and get some advice since I don't have a lot of my things from home. I know the UK isn't a third world country, and I can get the equivalent of a number of things here, but Adri's little tummy needs to be American a bit longer. Just incase it's the water, for some reason, I'll see if boiling it helps any. Her tummy might not have liked the yogurt she had for breakfast either...I dunno. We'll see how things go today. The picture above is of Kim bathing Adri in her sink. We had already gone through four changes of clothes--two of mine, two of Adri's--before Kim got home from work. And we had been in the bath twice too. We're talking PROJECTILE vomiting--Kim's poor carpet will never be the same again. Luckily she has a washer, but no dryer, so all of her radiators are covered in clothes and blankets :-) We're supposed to go to an open house tonight at Kim's school, so hopefully Adri will be feeling up to it. I'm looking forward to getting out and meeting some of Kim's friends that she talks about all the time.

Speaking of friends she talks about...Russ evidently texted her and said that he would try to pop by on Friday. He wanted to drop off two tins of Pear Drops for me!!! I'm not one for hard candy, but these things are yummy!!! They're pear flavored, but they have a touch of mint or eucalyptus or something, because the flavor--excuse me--the flavoUr (that's for Russ) just seems to radiate in your mouth. We looked for them at Tesco the other night but couldn't find them. What a sweetie he is!!

And before I sign off for the night...or...uh...day...I'm still confused as to what day it is--I wanted to post a picture that I took of a fox in the garden next door to Kim's flat. He was SO adorable! The look on its face reminded me of (and make me homesick for) Rosie. We sometimes call her "little fox" because sometimes when she lays down, she'll curl her tail around her body. And with the little white tip on the end of her red tail, she looks just like a little fox!

Cheers mates!! (or "laters maters" as Kim likes to say...)

It's 2 a.m. Do You Know Where Your Daughter Is?

2006-10-17T19:33:00.000-06:00

Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. She's in my bed sleeping soundly. The only problem is that she should be in HER bed sleeping soundly. I don't know if her little blow-up mattress is too hard or what, but she woke up about 1:30 crying. I held her for a bit until she went back to sleep and put her back in her bed. She slept just long enough for me to get back to sleep and then woke up crying again. So I went against all the rules (safely, of course) and put her in bed with me. And now it seems that I've been kicked out. That's okay...I'd rather have myself a little sleep deprived than her. I'm just glad she doesn't seem to be affected by jet lag!! So I guess now is as good a time as any to give details of our trip.

Like I said earlier, I couldn't have asked for a better flight!! She played most of the way from Denver to Mineapolis. The lady next to me fell in love with her and played with her some of the time. And if the cabin pressure changes bothered her, she never showed it. We landed in Mineapolis at about 5pm and our next flight was supposed to leave at 7pm. Evidently there was a miscommunication between the ground crew doing maintanence on the plane and the flight crew, because the flight crew ARRIVED at 7pm!! I guess the ground crew finished early and failed to tell the flight crew.... At any rate, Adri was just a tad tired by then. We spent our layover getting her changed into her PJ's in the bathroom (and forgetting to take her diaper bag off the back of the stroller before I took her out. It pulled the stroller over backwards, dumping my pop all over the bathroom floor. No one helped...just stared. Thanks guys....). By this time, between the humidity and the effects of some medication that I've been on (my life has been one big hot flash for the last month), I was DRENCHED with sweat. I managed to get everything back on the stroller and back out to the now overflowing waiting area. A nice (and kind of boisterous) lady came over and sat beside me and started asking about Adri. She is an American married to a British citizen, and was going home after a wedding. She showed me pictures of her 4 month old twin girls and her two year old daughter. She said if I needed any help on the flight just to ask. Her breath seemed to have a distinct alcohol odor, so I just kinda smiled and nodded. She did, however, suggest that I see if I could be assigned a bulk head seat so that we would have more room since Adri was a lap ticket. When I went up to inquire, I found out that the seat next to me was empty--score!!! So we just kept our original assignment and went back to sit down. By this time they had begun boarding first class and a number of other passengers. WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO PREBOARDING THOSE WHO NEED ASSISTANCE?!?!?! Evidently they don't do that anymore--or at least Northwest doesn't. But at one point the flight attendant made a very quiet announcement that if you needed extra time or assistance you could board too. So I looked at this lady and said, "I've never done this before. Do I just get in line?" She grabbed me by the hand and said, "Come with me, dearie. I'll get you up there" and proceeded to announce to the entire airport that I had a baby and needed to get through to the front of the line. I was apologizing to them as fast as she could clear them out of the way! The other thing that surprised me was that NO ONE helped me on board!!! Not any staff, anyway. When and older British lady (very proper, I might add) commented that it was barbaric of them not to help me on with my bags and such, a nice young man in a Dr Pepper shirt turned and said, "I'll take your bags for you. Just tell me where you're sitting." So I dropped the stroller at the gate and followed him into the plane where he set down his bags and lifted mine (which were pretty heavy) into the overhead bin. I never saw any of them again to thank them, so thank you so much tipsy 30-something lady and Dr Pepper guy!! You saved my life!!!

By the time the plane actually took off, Adri was fast asleep on my lap. She slept right through take-off!! I even laid her down on a pillow on the empty seat next to me, and she never woke up until about three hours into the flight. At that point she sat on my lap and played for about thirty minutes until a nice old British man (whose beard looked a lot like Daddy's) came over and, after talking my ear off about his whirlwind trip through the US National Parks, he offered to get my bag down for me so I could get her a bottle. She drank her bottle dry and went back to sleep until about an hour before we landed. And even then I had to wake her so that I could feed her before we got on the ground!! We landed about an hour later than scheduled, and it took me about 45 minutes to get through immigration, baggage, and customs. I was SO glad I didn't have any problems!!! And I found Russ right away too. Russ (who works for the Essex County Police force) is Kim's friend who graciously picked me up from the airport for little more than the cost of gas money and a jar of American peanut butter. Evidently British peanut butter is pretty bad. So about an hour later we arrived at Kim's flat in Westcliff-on-sea. You can see the ocean from her bedroom window!!!!! Russ got all of our luggage up and even played with Adri for a while so I could call my family and Ben (who was in DC at the time) to let them know that I had arrived safely. Then he showed me where everything was, showed me how to work the tea kettle (oh how I wish I could take one back with me!!!) and got me a glass of water before he went home. I then fixed Adri a bottle and we promptly fell asleep on Kim's bed for about two hours until she came home from work. We chatted for a couple of hours, headed out to Tesco (it's like a cross between Walmart and Target...and Geico...evidently you can purchase just about anything from Tesco if you know where to look!!) to get a few things, picked up some Indian food on the way home and came back and crashed.

And so now I'm back at where I started...my daughter still in my bed sleeping soundly. I think I'll just sleep on the couch :-)

Cheers, mates!

We Are Here!!

2006-10-17T06:41:00.000-06:00

No pictures yet, but only because I've yet to find the camera...or the card adapter. Plus I'm still trying to keep Adri from getting into everything in Kim's living room. I'll have to write more tomorrow and tell all about our flights (which went amazingly well!). We're all pretty tired, and Adriana desperately needs a bath.

BUT! Before I go....

2006-10-16T07:09:00.000-06:00

Do you know how hard it is to fit all my stuff, all of Adri's stuff (which includes a deflated inflatable travel bed) plus three jars of peanut butter, six packages of Oreos, seven packages of purple G2 gel pens, and six bottles of lotion from Victoria's Secret in a suitcase??? I even have one of those expandable ones where you unzip around the top and it pops up a few more inches. Yeesh... Kim, this is how much I love you, my friend.

Crossing the Pond

2006-10-15T11:17:00.000-06:00

Forty-eight hours from now Adriana and I will be in Westcliff-on-Sea, Essex England!! Or at least on our way there. Who knows how long it's going to take to get through immigration and customs and such. I still have so much to do before we leave tomorrow!! My friend Kim and I have a few touristy things planned. We'll stop by Leeds Castle on our way north to Edinburgh, Scotland later in the week. And of course we'll be taking our pilgrimage to Stratford-Upon-Avon, birthplace of William Shakespeare. How could two English majors NOT pay homage to ole' Billy's home????? Anyway, hopefully I'll be able to post updates and pictures while I'm over there, so keep checking back!!

We'd really appreciate your prayers, too, for our trip over.

1. Pray that Adri will do well with the plane trip and that she'll adjust well to the time change. She is a WONDERFUL little traveler, so I don't think I'll have much of a problem with her. I've also read that there can be some problems with infants going from high altitudes to sea level and back to high altitudes, so you could pray for that too.

2. Pray for a smooth transition from the airport to where we're staying. Kim's friend Russ is picking us up from Gatwick and taking us to Kim's place until she gets off work (she's an English teacher in the London school system).

3. Pray for safety for the two weeks we're over there. I'm a little apprehensive about flying with all the terrorist plots being uncovered lately--especially those dealing with US flights in and out of the UK! But I've prayed a lot about it and still have peace about going. We'll also be traveling around the country quite a bit, so you can pray for safety there too.

4. Pray for Ben--he's going to miss his girls terribly!! He'll be on a business trip to Washington DC for the first three days we're gone, but after that, he won't have anything but work to keep him occupied for the next 12 days.

My PCOS Rant

2006-10-08T21:02:00.000-06:00

I hate this. PCOS SUCKS!!!!!!! Adiana is 10 months old, and I have YET to have a normal cycle since I got pregnant with her. The first doctor put me on the wrong dose of progesterone to get me to end two months of non-stop bleeding. So I stopped for about two weeks and then started up again...for another month. This, by the way, is the doctor (supposedly a PCOS expert) who took blood tests at the wrong time in my cycle and then when he got the results back, he said that he didn't see anything wrong with my results and so I obviously didn't have PCOS. He suggested that I go on a good low-carb diet for six months, lose some weight and he bet I'd be able to conceive on my own.

YOU'RE KIDDING!!!! [slapping forehead] IS THAT ALL I HAVE TO DO?!?!?!?!?!? I NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT!!!!!! [rolling eyes] Sheesh... idiot...

Anyway, after that, Dr Vecc put me on another round of progesterone. This right dose this time. And since we wanted to start trying to get pregnant again, Dr Weary started me on Clomid. About three days into the five day course, I turned into a...well, let's just say I wasn't very fun to be around. Now I'm just an emotional wreck, but I had to deal with hot flashes from hell for over a week. I'm now on day 20 of my cycle. I have a 21 day progesterone blood test tomorow afternoon, and to the best of my knowledge, I haven't ovulated. I still could, but from what I've read eggs released after day 21 aren't usually very good for fertilizing. So I put myself and my poor husband through 10 days of sheere hell, and we won't even get pregnant!! So after I get back from London, I'll make another appointment with Dr Weary. He'll do an ultrasound to make sure that my ovaries didn't get hyperstimulated. Then if everything is okay there, he'll up my Clomid to 100 mg. I'll wait for my body to decide it's not going to ovulate and start another cycle, and I'll put my family through twice as much hell as I did this time (I was only on 50 mg this time).

I don't want this. I didn't ask for this. I'm tired of looking at food and gaining 10 pounds. I'm tired of not being able to lose any more than four pounds without restricting myself to 1000 calories per day. I'd like to be surprised with an unexpeced positive pregnancy test rather than planning every every unromantic step of it. And just once I'd like a doctor to look at my weight as a symptom of a problem instead of a sign of an undisciplined lifestyle. Just once...

Infertility Sucks...

2006-09-29T16:22:00.000-06:00

I like to plan. Surprises—for the most part—are not my cup-o-tea. But having to plan out your sex life down to the VERY minutest of details (and I do mean MINUTE) just to have a baby...I'd have to say it sucks. Big time. It's more than just "honey, come home! I'm ovulating!! NOW!!!!" This is charts and temperatures and saliva swabs and peeing on tiny little sticks and taking medicine that not only turns your emotions hostile, but your cervical mucous as well--oh yes! Then there's the whole CHECKING the cervical mucous thing! And if I don't have fertile cervical mucous, then I have to use something to make my cervix a more "hospitable" host. I know...that was probably way too much information. But hey...this is MY blog. If it's too much, go here.

As frustrating as it is, it's all worth it. I'm sitting in the kitchen listening to Ben playing with Adri. Hearing her sing and giggle as Daddy makes faces at her. And hearing Ben squeal with delight as he watches Adri crawling for the first time and Adri sitting up and clapping for herself. Yeah...I'm glad we're doing it again.

Have It Your Way...well, except for that.

2006-09-25T16:08:00.000-06:00

Okay...a little vent here. I spent most of the day in Denver this morning getting meds for my Dad so that my sister could have the day off. You wouldn't think that would be a huge undertaking. Yeah, well, I was wrong. The first place I went to waited 15 minutes before they told me that they didn't have the pain killer I was to pick up. "We'll have it in on Wednesday, though." Uh...HELLO McFly!!! IT'S A PICKIN' PAIN KILLER! HE NEEDS IT NOOOOOOOOWWWWWW! Then I had to drive clear across town to another pharmacy where they told me that they didn't have access to the other pharmacy's database (yeah right...), so I had to call my poor father and make him give me all of his information by phone. Then while waiting over an HOUR, Adri and I tooled around the grocery store where we picked up a package of spoons and a jar of beef with vegetables and rice and took it back over to the pharmacy to have lunch. And the people behind the counter looked at me like I was the one inconveniencing THEM by asking every 15 minutes if my script was finished!!! Oy vey...

So anyway, I was on my way home and stopped at Burger King for lunch. I'm really into their Chicken Fries lately. I'm also trying to keep my french fry consumption to the bare minimum, so I asked him to keep the fries a medium and just king size the drink. "I'm sorry ma'am, we can't do that." What do you mean you can't do that? Every other Burger King I've ever been to can do it!" "We just don't have that option...I'm sorry." So because he can't seem to find the button on the cash register, I end up having to order all three things separately and paying $1.50 MORE than I would have if I had gotten the meal--not to mention that I got a SMALL fry instead of the medium one that came with the meal, so I even got less food and still paid more! Ugh... I know there are bigger injustices in the world, but...well, it's just not right.

PLEASE tell me this isn't bad....

2006-09-22T17:56:00.000-06:00

For the last 3 hours, Adriana has been making the same noise over and over and over and OVER again. It's not a grunt...and it's not a cry. She kinda sounds like a chimpanzee. Whatever it is, she's mildly unhappy. I tried feeding her. She kept swatting my hand away (and flinging chicken, potatoes and peas all over the floor). I tried giving her a bottle. She drank 3 ounces and tossed it across the living room floor. Right next to the peas. She's physically just fine. So I put in ear plugs. Someone please tell me that's not bad! But there's NO ONE around to relieve me, and I can't even call Ben, because he left his cell phone at home. Then there's the not-so-small Rosie who insists on sitting on my lap. I now know why moms lock themselves in the bathroom.

My Midlife Crisis is Over...

2006-08-11T07:33:00.000-06:00

Okay, so it was more of a PRE midlife crisis. But it's over now. Look closely at the picture. Specifically at my nose. Yes, I got my nose pierced. But before you email me and tell me what a bad decision that was, let me assure you that it's out and the hole is healing. Not necessarily because I want it to, but because I had to. Every time I would take it out and put it back in, my nose would swell up twice it's size. And since it was only on one side, I looked rather lopsided. I've always wanted to get my nose pierced, and when I went to Idaho for Risa's graduation in June, we both did it for her birthday. I'll miss it, but considering my chances of getting toxemia again the next time I'm pregnant and having my entire nose get at LEAST twice its normal size, I thought it might be a good idea to just let it close up and enjoy the memory.

So on the cusp of my midlife, I bid farewell to my nose stud (and a little bit of my youth). And now I'm off to color my hair....

I WIN!

2006-07-24T20:15:00.000-06:00

FINALLY!! Okay, I have two out of three blogs set up now. Now I just have to figure out an easy way to post our pictures!! That's going to take a little more fenagling since I'm storing everything on Flickr. My next task, though, is to teach myself CSS. I think I've finally had it with creating a page and then cutting it up and putting all the pieces back together in a table that I end up having to fight with because embedded somewhere is a typo that is shifting all my cells to 7 million pixels to the right.

Nothing much went on today. I met a friend for lunch--it was good to catch up with her. I love being able to stay at home, but it seems like the only time I get out is to either go out and eat or go out to shop--neither are real easy on the budget (or the diet for that matter). I don't mind just going out for a walk, but it's pretty boring. I suppose museums and such might work, but there really isn't anything in Colorado Springs. Unless, of course, I want to hike a mountain or something. I'm not exactly prepared to do that with Adriana in tow.

I also got Adri's birth certificate in the mail today!! That means I can take her to the post office next week to apply for her first passport!!!!!!! I can't wait for our trip to go see Kim in the UK. Now THAT'S someplace I don't think I'll have a problem finding something to do.

iWeb's not so great after all...

2006-07-11T21:27:00.000-06:00

One minor thing Apple forgot to make iWeb do--manage more than one site!! I saw the blog option and figured, "hey! I can put updates on our main website and then use it to do my regular blogging!" Not so. It will only manage one website at a time!!! How hard is it to include an option to choose which web pages to publish to what server!?!?!?!?!? So now I'm back to square one--trying to make my own site and use a simple blog provider to do the posting. Hmph....

Chocolate & Peanut Butter Are from the Devil!

2006-05-25T12:35:00.000-06:00

I hate my PCOS. I’m constantly craving sugar and carbs!! So rather than buying Reeces Peanut Butter Cups constantly, I decided just to make something at home and keep it in the fridge for when those cravings get really bad. I know….stupid idea. So I made up a batch of Cheerio Bars. It’s sugar, honey, peanut butter, and Cheerios all mixed together, and then you melt chocolate over it. The only problem is that I can’t stop eating them!!!! Ugh! I will be SO glad when this doctor gets me on something to help regulate the insulin resistance.
I suppose I don’t feel too bad about the Cheerio bars now. I just finished off a whole plate of steamed asparagus with ham and cheese. Yum!!!!